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How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

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Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#181

Post by abandonliberty »

onmobiletemp wrote: post #67
xor1 wrote: post #56

I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person. It's a huge facto…

Please stop, you are wrong. Im attractive and people hate me. Have you ever considered whats its like to be attractive? People are instantly jealous of you and hate you. And they make sure to lay judgement into you -- if you arent whip smart they will tear you down just like anyone else. I know ugly, average looking and good looking people who all do very well with people and in life. It comes down to your intelligen…

>Please stop, you are wrong. Im attractive and people hate me.

These two sentences are all the evidence required to conclude that your issue is not your looks. They reek of a superiority complex, victim mentality, and a complete lack of understanding and respect for other people and their life experiences. Very unattractive. No wonder people want to tear you down.

You can keep blaming your looks and other people for your failings, or you can do some serious reflection and tackle the very uncomfortable truths you've been avoiding about how you show up, interact, and perceive yourself and others.

Wake up. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#182

Post by ksk »

randcraw wrote: post #143
onmobiletemp wrote: post #87

I started paying attention to people and discovered a lot of this on my own over the course of three years. At some point i realized that whenever i talked to someone their eyes would glaze over and their face would go stony. Then theyd talk to someone else and their eyes would become focused and their face alive and animated. Laughter. I figured out this was because they didnt care about what i was saying or about m…

Actually, not only do I agree with your main point, but I think I know why it's a problem. (BTW, it's a problem for me too.) Most people today have the attention span of gnats. They crave talk in small, light, humor-based doses, like TV sitcom dialogue. (And yes, I don't understand what most people want to hear either. Mostly I think they want others to compliment them, ask them to expound on themselves, and laugh at…

What made you believe that this so called 'large talk' was popular before TV? I feel people were simply more wordy before, not necessarily more expansive in terms of exchanging ideas.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#183

Post by sowbug »

hoodoof wrote: post #15

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

Read The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane " rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnet.... The myth is that charisma is "natural function of who they are." The reality is that charisma is a set of discrete behaviors, any of which can be analyzed and broken down into steps that anyone can learn.

As the Time article suggests, a huge part of charisma is being a good listener who genuinely makes a conversational partner feel valued. But being a good listener has many different variations and components. Obviously, there are the mechanical parts such as maintaining eye contact and not speaking over the other person. Then the active listening includes phrasing replies in a way that shows that you're empathetic and have actually heard what they've said. And then there's what you bring to the conversation: are you the kind of person who deeply groks what someone's saying and potentially builds on their thoughts to create something amazing in a conversational moment? Do you naturally exude authority about a subject or in a certain environment? Do you see the big picture in a way that inspires people to take their ideas to you to be told why what they're doing is important? Are you a kind, warm person who people open up to when they fear being judged by others?

Everyone has at least a little charisma. This book helps you find it and develop it.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#184

Post by jogjayr »

Kiro wrote: post #121

I always try to play the game of "don't say a thing about yourself until someone asks" and it always works wonders. Everyone loves me since all I do is ask questions, giving them an opportunity to speak about themselves. It seriously makes me hate people though since so few actually asks anything back.

I've tried that but often the other person also doesn't say much. For instance, I distinctly remember a conversation I had with a woman at an alumni gathering where any question I asked about her work was met with monosyllabic responses. She didn't seem to want disengage from the conversation (body language wasn't "I want to walk away") but wasn't interested in carrying her end of it either. In the end I had to make my excuses and walk away because of how uncomfortable the conversation was.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#185

Post by jogjayr »

YCode wrote: post #166

Somewhat related... Dale Carnegie, this article, et. al describe various methods to be liked, listened to, etc. that all basically revolve around the idea that you should make the conversation about them and their needs. Even smiling is a small step away from outright saying you like them and are willing to listen. One thing I've found though is that this can be mentally exhausting. It starts to feel like the people…

> how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet other people's needs?

Some people thrive off interactions like this, I think. If that's not you (and I count myself in that category also) then I think the "best" compromise might be to turn it on only when and where it matters (even though that sounds awful and self-serving). That probably means with valued friends and close family, and people you're trying to impress for some reason (personal or professional).

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#186

Post by dpark »

ksk wrote: post #182
randcraw wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Actually, not only do I agree with your main point, but I think I know why it's a problem. (BTW, it's a problem for me too.) Most people today have the attention span of gnats. They crave talk in small, light, humor-based doses, like TV sitcom dialogue. (And yes, I don't understand what most people want to hear either. Mostly I think they want others to compliment them, ask them to expound on themselves, and laugh at…

What made you believe that this so called 'large talk' was popular before TV? I feel people were simply more wordy before, not necessarily more expansive in terms of exchanging ideas.

I'm not even sure people were more wordy. TV has been widespread for three generations now. When people under the age of 80 talk about the time before TV, they're mostly revealing their imaginations and not any historical information.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#187

Post by Hungarian_aztec »

onmobiletemp wrote: post #87

I started paying attention to people and discovered a lot of this on my own over the course of three years. At some point i realized that whenever i talked to someone their eyes would glaze over and their face would go stony. Then theyd talk to someone else and their eyes would become focused and their face alive and animated. Laughter. I figured out this was because they didnt care about what i was saying or about m…

Did you just call me an autist?

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#188

Post by xor1 »

criddell wrote: post #167
xor1 wrote: post #56

I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person. It's a huge facto…

Can you recommend a decent everyday sunscreen? The stuff I use is kind of gross and I only apply it when I know I'll burn if I don't.

https://www.amazon.com/Olay-Total-Effects-Anti-Aging-Moistur...

Don't buy it off Amazon, you're likely to get counterfeit product, and it's also much cheaper in stores.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#189

Post by EagleVega »

I feel like this article is outlining how to fake a lot of things... It emphasizes rote lines. It feels shallow. However, I think it hints at what it takes to be a good conversationalist: a deep and genuine interest in people. That coupled with a broad knowledge allows you to find what someone is interested in and learn from their perspective while adding some to theirs. This is the core of solid communication and conversation.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#190

Post by [deleted] »

goblin89 wrote: post #180
onmobiletemp wrote: post #87

I started paying attention to people and discovered a lot of this on my own over the course of three years. At some point i realized that whenever i talked to someone their eyes would glaze over and their face would go stony. Then theyd talk to someone else and their eyes would become focused and their face alive and animated. Laughter. I figured out this was because they didnt care about what i was saying or about m…

> Humans are machines and the algorithms that they employ for attention and emotion are surprisngly uniform and very unintuitive for autists like me and you. What do you (or anyone else reading this) think of evolutionary psychology in which context such aspects of human behavior can be somewhat consistently explained?

[deleted]
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