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How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

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Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#11

Post by guycastell »

chillacy wrote: post #9
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Yea, I sort of just adopted this strategy as a quiet person, but I found out that I couldn't hang out with other people who used this strategy too, because neither of us would be big talkers and were used to participating in at most 20% of the conversation. So now I just make friends with more talkative folks, some of whom border on narcissism. It's alright though, they tend to be interesting.

I've been told that I'm borderline narcissist. That said, I have about the same amount of friends who aren't very talkative and mostly keep to themselves (with those friends I can have very intelligent conversations with) as I have those who are pretty much like me, with whom I can talk about really anything.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#12

Post by specializeded »

chillacy wrote: post #9
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Yea, I sort of just adopted this strategy as a quiet person, but I found out that I couldn't hang out with other people who used this strategy too, because neither of us would be big talkers and were used to participating in at most 20% of the conversation. So now I just make friends with more talkative folks, some of whom border on narcissism. It's alright though, they tend to be interesting.

For sure keep the talkative ones around, they rub off. You might notice you naturally take the "lead" in convos with people like you as time goes on :)

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#13

Post by pstuart »

rrherr wrote: post #4
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

that one weird trick...

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#14

Post by hoodoof »

rrherr wrote: post #4
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

Well I wasn't there of course, but all things being equal, if a woman at a party touches you whilst talking, is animated in her discussion, and goes to the trouble of saying out loud that she likes you, well usually that's a good sign that a person is "interested".

Maybe you're in a relationship, maybe you weren't interested anyway but she might have wanted to get your phone number.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#16

Post by bthallplz »

bitL wrote: post #5

Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is wrong?

No, it does feel weird, especially when we suppose that the "hacked" person derive no benefit from being "hacked." However, if the "hacker" provides more value to the "hacked" person than the "hacker" captures as a result, the "hacked" person might be OK with the exchange.

This sounds a bit more OK to me, but still the notion of manipulating others does get under my skin.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#17

Post by throwaway2016a »

rrherr wrote: post #4
tyingq wrote: post #2

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#18

Post by nunez »

Skimming through the article, I observed that they missed the most important step one must do to get better at talking to people:

Practice!

One doesn't learn how to write code without writing code. One also doesn't learn how to tie their shoes without actually tying shoes. So it follows that one doesn't learn how to become good at people without talking to people.

You've gotta go out! And I'm not talking about grabbing a drink and staying on the sidelines or going to that conference and being glued to your Mac the entire time. You've gotta approach people, and you have to get rejected.

People will walk away. People will ask to be excused. This stuff hurts, but just like a startup, you treat the mistakes as learnings and try again next time. It helps a lot to have a buddy that will help you through the process and give you feedback, since learning on your own (like I did) generally sucks.

How did I learn how to talk to people? I approached hundreds of women to start conversations with them during the morning rush and on the street. nothing deep; usually stuff about food. My dating skills improved slightly, but my conversation skills went through the roof.

There are other things to keep in mind, too. People care way more appearance than they let on, so dressing well and staying healthy go a long way to help you be more. Body language is also something that people look out for without knowing that they're looking out for it. Fixing posture goes a long way towards fixing this too.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#19

Post by CuriouslyC »

bitL wrote: post #5

Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is wrong?

Communication skills aren't about manipulation, and if you think of it that way you'll be a bad communicator unless you're a sociopath. Instead, think of interactions as an opportunity to create happiness. If you make people happy when you talk to them good things will come to you.

Re: How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

#20

Post by nunez »

throwaway2016a wrote: post #17
rrherr wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be…

I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.

I prefer "That's really interesting; what's a day in your life like?" People love talking about this because people spend most of their lives working, so most of their life is work.
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