Something went terribly wrong in our field .... "On GitLab, our pages would load an average of 20kb on each page load versus the full JavaScript file size of 800kb+." What exatly takes 800kb? I don't see a 3d animation/game on every gitlab page... IMHO the solution to all this craziness is just generate small mostly-static page quickly and do not have 200 onLoad() functions.
Funny thing, I have built a full fledged production 2d/3d application in JS. It was less complex than what GL has to do, and it was 670kb fully minified and obfuscated. We are constantly looking for ways at GL to make our file size smaller and our JS faster. It is something we are actively putting our time towards.