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CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

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Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#131
Three men meet in a GULag camp, and conversation turns to why they are there.

"I got twelve years hard labour for speaking out against Gennady Karasov", says the first.

"That's funny, I got twelve years hard labour for supporting Gennady Karasov!" says the second. Attention turns to the last man.

"I am Gennady Karasov".

-----

Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissolved in alcohol. Everybody is having a great time.

One is tired and really feels like sleeping; he decides to pull a joke on the others. He excuses himself, runs to the lobby and gives the receptionist a few bills. "Please send someone to my room with a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt in ten minutes." He then returns to the room.

After a few minutes, he notes to the others that stocks of refreshments are running low. "Not to worry, comrades! I have good contacts."

He leans over towards the potted plant in the corner, grabs it and loudly says, as if speaking into a microphone:

"Comrades at the listening post, this is lieutenant Dyatlov! We urgently require a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt to our room! Make haste!"

The others laugh their asses off - until a minute later, there's a knock on the door and vodka, salt and rye bread is served.

You could hear a pin drop. Our man goes to sleep, enjoying the quiet.

When he wakes up in the morning, the others are gone. A note is left on the table. "Comrade! A couple of your jokes yesterday would easily get you to Siberia! (The one about Stalin's maid, while hysterical, could get you in front of a firing squad!!!) However, we liked that room service joke so much, we'll let you off the hook this time. Sincerely, KGB."

Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#132
Wlodek, a rural farmer, has decided that might be safer not keeping his money under the mattress. So he takes his horse and cart and goes off to the nearest town to talk to the bank.

"Right," says Wlodek, "I want to make sure my 50 zlotys are safe. Like, what happens if someone robs you and takes everything in your vault?"

"Oh, don't worry about that!" says the smooth bank manager. "The main branch in the city would cover you!"

"Okay," says Wlodek. "But suppose the whole bank went bust? I know these things happen."

"Well," says the bank manager. "People have a right to be worried, of course. So that you can feel completely secure, the Polish Central Bank still guarantees your savings."

"But suppose the Polish Central Bank ran out of money?" asks Wlodek. "What would happen then?"

"This is very hypothetical," says the bank manager. "But if it ever happened, we have a treaty with the Soviet Union. They would still make sure you weren't out of pocket."

"But what if the Soviet Union went bust?" asks Wlodek stubbornly.

The bank manager sighs. "Look," he says. "Wouldn't that be worth 50 zlotys?"

Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#133
Three men in a platzkart train are telling political jokes on their way to Moscow. The fourth is coming in and he hisses "Oh my, do not tell those, you'll be taken". "Oh, come on, man, says one of the three". The alerting guy than goes to the stewardess and asks for four cups of tea delivered to that platzkart seats in exactly 4 minutes. Four minutes later he continues to hiss on his travel companions "Guys, if you won't stop to tell political jokes, they will take you!", getting the same "Come on, man" in response. "All right he says, look here". He stands up near the small lamp in the corner and says "Comrade mayor, four teas to platzkart seats 14, 15, 16 and 17, please". The stewardess brings the tea. Everyone shuts up, and soon goes asleep. In the morning, our hero discovers that his three travel companions' seats are empty. He asks stewardess whether they took off in Tver? "No", the stewardess says, "they were taken". "And why they did not took me too?". "Because comrade mayor liked your joke about the tea very much".

Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#134

Wow, the joke that ends up with "I can stand in front of Kremlin and yell To Hell With Ronald Reigan too" is the famous one. One can even find the references to it nowadays in Russian blogs. CIA is good!

Abakumoff was a top KGB general, did you know that?

Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#136
A man is walking down the street carrying a 12-roll pack of toilet paper. People surround him, all excited: "Where'd you get that?" The man answers, "I just got it back from the dry cleaner's!"

(source: Viktor Suvorov's fascinating Kuzkina Mat [1])

[1]: http://andrewnurnberg.com/book/kuzkina-mat/

Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#137
post #97
post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you seen the news coverage of the protests and rioting in the US? Every other has a sign that says, "Fuck Trump"

Sorry, I don't think there's any evidence of rioting in the US recently.

What does this look like https://pibillwarner.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/black-bloc-...

Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#138
post #94

Here is my favorite one: The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations the…

I like that kind of joke that is on both side's cost – not only the punchline about the KGB is funny but also the parts about the FBI and CIA play with the respective stereotypes in a funny way.

Re: CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]

#140
post #29

I like this one: An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell, "To hell with Ronald Regan." The Russian replies, "That's nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'To hell with Ronald Regan,' too."

I like how Ronald Reagan delivers this joke: https://youtu.be/mN3z3eSVG7A?t=131

What's bark?
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