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Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

nytimes.com

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Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#61

Post by sliverstorm »

ghshephard wrote: post #39
grellas wrote: post #19

I like to call it a "midlife adjustment" and there is not a person alive who gets to that age who does not have to deal with it at some level - it really is the transitioning from the phase of life where everything points up to that in-between phase where things slow down, age starts to show itself more, and our mortality looms nearer. We all react to it differently but react we do, unless we are beyond feeling. This…

I think it's a bit of a stretch to state "not a person alive who gets to that age..." - The whole mid-life crisis thing is a function of societies that are a little higher up in Mazlo's hierarchy. I assure you that the significant part of humanity that is trying to track down enough food, clean water, or even a warm place to sleep each night - let alone adequate medical care or education, doesn't suffer from ennui. T…

> Sometime happiness suffers when we are provided everything that we need, and we end up asking ourselves, "Isn't there more?"

Which is why sometimes instead of doing great science or cool projects I wonder if perhaps a more old-fashioned life would be a good choice. Modern medical assistance maybe, but if you have to work to survive every day, I find that does wonders for your happiness.

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#62

Post by ramidarigaz »

aaronblohowiak wrote: post #35
namin wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great quote. Made me curious about the author.

Tom Robbins is funny, quirky and occasionally drops nuggets like this. He is one of the few fiction authors that I recommend.

Fierce Invalids is one of my favorite books of all time. I laughed 'til I cried at several points.

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#64

Post by andreyf »

abstractbill wrote: post #50
andreyf wrote: post #47

So I took this advice a bit too literally when this article came out, and was in denial about all the tantrums my wife was throwing. This weekend, she told me she's hired a lawyer and moved out with my daughter. Should I "buy it" yet?

It wasn't advice, it was an anecdote. I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through though, I can only imagine what that must be like.

Good point. I certainly shouldn't blame anything on a year-old article, it's just what came to mind re-reading it. Thanks for the kind words, although I can't imagine anyone can imagine what this might be like - at least I sure couldn't. :-/

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#65

Post by wildwood »

andreyf wrote: post #47

So I took this advice a bit too literally when this article came out, and was in denial about all the tantrums my wife was throwing. This weekend, she told me she's hired a lawyer and moved out with my daughter. Should I "buy it" yet?

To whatever extent this article had any advice, it was not to ignore the tantrums, but to ignore the attacks. The author responded to "I don't love you any more" with "what can we do to make this better for you?"

If you took a similar approach, refused to engage in the personal attacks, repeatedly tried to find common ground and ways to fix the problems, and your wife still left... well, you did everything you realistically could. Your focus now should be on maintaining your relationship with your daughter, IMO.

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#66

Post by msg »

alanh wrote: post #54
ghshephard wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it's a bit of a stretch to state "not a person alive who gets to that age..." - The whole mid-life crisis thing is a function of societies that are a little higher up in Mazlo's hierarchy. I assure you that the significant part of humanity that is trying to track down enough food, clean water, or even a warm place to sleep each night - let alone adequate medical care or education, doesn't suffer from ennui. T…

(Maslow’s.) Yes, very true, and perhaps a great illustration of how we humans haven’t yet evolved quite enough to deal with the very different challenges the affluent nations deal with so soon after we as a species were struggling for survival.

You can't evolve out of the meaning of life.

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#67

Post by georgieporgie »

abstractbill wrote: post #40
georgieporgie wrote: post #34

I remember when this came up on Reddit a year ago. Summary: hold on to your man by emasculating him, then wait for enough depression to kick in that it suppresses his urge to improve his life. Also, I'm going to guess that most of her fond remembrances of romantically planning their future together primarily reflect what she hoped for, not what he did. In other news: people who write long-winded, self-obsessive essay…

He wasn't emasculated. He was free to actually leave any time he wanted. She just called his bluff and he turned out to be unwilling to really go through with it.

I think he'd been emasculated for quite some time. As others have mentioned, she views and treats him as a child having a tantrum.

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#68

Post by georgieporgie »

MrFoof wrote: post #41
sliverstorm wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

my guess: (s)he loves , but all the (wo)men (s)he dates hates and if (s)he married that (wo)man (s)he'd have to give up . Replace with the tag of your choice :) (^ one of the biggest crimes of political correctness: making everything so damn hard to read and full of strange punctuation!) Either that, or (s)he is typically extremely busy with very fulfilling things, and is looking for either a similar partner or a par…

I've run into that dating. The conversation was along the lines of... "So, it's paid off since I bought it with cash. The insurance is cheaper than an economy car. The parts are as cheap as economy cars, save for wear parts. It actually gets pretty decent mileage to boot. Why would I have to get rid of it?" "You just would, that's why!" I had hung out with her for two weeks and apparently her idea of a happy marriage…

> despite the fact my apartment has won AWARDS

Okay, seriously, how do you win awards for an apartment? That's got to be an impressively flexible come-back for an awful lot of relationship-related comments.

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#69

Post by georgieporgie »

andywood wrote: post #55
jdietrich wrote: post #46

I'd like to make a thoughtful comment, but I'm struggling to get past the phrase 'age-appropriate'. As someone who has never been 'appropriate' to their chronological age in any respect, it always comes across as reductive, patronising and ultimately dehumanising. It seems to me to be the product of a worldview which sees children not as distinctive individuals with unique preferences and aptitudes, but as mere larva…

I suspect that we are ALL reading our own perspectives into this story quite a bit, so I can't say that you're wrong. Where you see "refusing to engage with him emotionally", I see her simply declining to respond to his drama with counter-drama of her own. She had an insight that let her avoid bringing her own ego into his situation, thereby simplifying the path to a resolution. As an aside, as someone who had a pare…

> Where you see "refusing to engage with him emotionally", I see her simply declining to respond to his drama with counter-drama of her own.

Here's another view: he never wanted to leave her, he simply wanted some excitement and passion back in his life. Maybe he wanted to simply see that his wife really still had deep, romantic feelings for him. If it takes a loud, screaming argument to bring that about, then so be it. She came across to me as hyper-controlling and robotic.

Her descriptions of there life seem like it's all really dull, but satisfactory to her. I didn't see anything about him expressing what he wants and her responding to that.

Re: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

#70

Post by georgieporgie »

abstractbill wrote: post #7
jtbigwoo wrote: post #5

Steps to writing an annoying article: 1. Deny you're calling your husband childish while comparing him to a child. 2. Proclaim that you're impervious to abuse by touting your toughness as if those in abusive relationships are not physically tough enough. 3. Highlight your suffering martyrdom as much as possible while claiming that you refuse to suffer.

I think you've missed a great deal of the point of the article. Read the followup too (see tokenadult's comment). This is one of those rare cases where "passive aggression" (stonewalling) is actually the most effective thing to do. If your partner claims to be unhappy with your relationship, but you're really sure they're actually miserable with some other aspect of their life, then this seems like a workable strateg…

> If your partner claims to be unhappy with your relationship, but you're really sure they're actually miserable with some other aspect of their life, then this seems like a workable strategy.

Wouldn't it be a lot quicker, more respectful, and less hurtful to simply express this to your partner? Maybe encourage him/her to attend some counseling before committing to a decision?

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