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How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

nytimes.com

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Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#51

Post by no_wizard »

TheOneTrueKyle wrote: post #30

I have been "lonely" most of my life. I have lived in a terrible town growing up where everyone lived on the other side of town. I went to college where nothing was happening and nothing is really interesting and I didn't connect with anyone really. Now, I am reaching 30, and have spent the most of my 20s trying to find a way to move to a place that will make me happy. I'm hoping this will eventually happen, but I ha…

I feel the exact same way. It's quite strange. I find I can't connect with others either. In my job I appear to be quite social and pass largely as someone who is considered nice and socially adept...not that I'm not a nice person I just mean nice in the sense of being easy to get along with and "understanding" people but unless I have a given context for interacting with someone (like...work) I've been deemed 'too intense' to be around for a long time in my life. I can't just turn 'me' off so I often find it hard to make friends. I'm lucky that I met my wife because she's very understanding of my peculiarities. If it want for her I wouldn't have a lot of social interactions outside work at all.

i feel you man, I feel you

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#52

Post by ArkyBeagle »

arkitaip wrote: post #8
muninn_ wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right. It's not an issue of technology, for the most part, but it's the way American cities are designed. Instead of mixed-use walkable neighborhoods where people with a variety of incomes and backgrounds live, and stay put, we have suburban fortresses where people live in a box, never talk to their neighbors, drive a box to work, work in a box, then do it all over again. The national highway system was great for a n…

We city apartment people aren't better at socializing with our neighbors, probably even worse. The stereotype that cities can be harsh and unfriendly is very much rooted in reality.

I've live on a cul-de-sac (back) in Extreme Flyover Country now for a whopping ... three months, and I met all the neighbors and chat with 'em often. People in stores are very open and will talk if spoken to.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#53

Post by ArkyBeagle »

FrancoDiaz wrote: post #39
muninn_ wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right. It's not an issue of technology, for the most part, but it's the way American cities are designed. Instead of mixed-use walkable neighborhoods where people with a variety of incomes and backgrounds live, and stay put, we have suburban fortresses where people live in a box, never talk to their neighbors, drive a box to work, work in a box, then do it all over again. The national highway system was great for a n…

Terrible. I wish I could be governor or something and make sure that we stop this. It makes me sad. How would you stop this as governor? I have a feeling your solution would be far worse than the problem you're trying to solve.

Uuuuuuh... call out the National Guard?

knock knock knock "Huh?"

"I'm Sergeant Jones with the 665th Airborne. Our records show you haven't been out all week. Come with us, sir... "

It'd be different if he handed you a beer first, I guess.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#54

Post by wott »

tnecniv wrote: post #29
LeanderK wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i speak with strangers in bars all the time, seriously. I thought it's one of the reasons bars exists. Even most tinder-dates start in bars, because if it's not going anywhere there other people to talk to. You just might not get laid.

I must be going to the wrong bars. Everyone I go regularly has people minding their own business.

> I must be going to the wrong bars.

Very likely. There are bars where people go to be alone; bars were people go in a group to stay purely within their group; bars where people go to meet between regulars and are closed to newcomers; bars where people are opened to anyone, regulars or 5-minute newcomer; etc.

The most classy, and also often the most hyped ones are the coldest ones. The most popular are often the warmest... providing that you manage to get into the 'family' circle if it is a matter of regulars/locals; or that you belong to the same scene if it is a subculture oriented place.

And it also depends also on you. And not necessarily as you expect. I am amongst the most introverted, shy, less talkative persons ever, and yet bartenders and regulars generally great me by calling my name on my 2nd or 3rd visit in a bar while some mates who've been coming to the same place dozens of times in are given the cold shoulder (I have plenty of examples like this, it was quite funny sometimes to see how upset by the situation my mate was :-).

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#55

Post by duderific »

bvinc wrote: post #43

I think it's valuable to think about this problem from an evolutionary perspective. Almost every problem we have can be viewed this way. We should be asking ourselves how we were living 100,000 years ago. This is what our bodies and our brains are expecting. The whole concept of the nuclear family and a house and a fence is a completely foreign concept to our bodies because we haven't been doing it for very many gene…

> I think it's valuable to think about this problem from an evolutionary perspective. Almost every problem we have can be viewed this way.

Spot on. I was an Anthropology major in college, and this is the single most important takeaway from my education.

Even a few decades ago, families often at least lived with or close to the elder generation (grandparents) which created a greater sense of community and history. At some point it was decided that elder persons should live by themselves, or they were not welcome in their adult children' homes (or there was no room for them there.)

I think what you say about tribes is interesting -- I think people tend to create their own "tribes" either with friends, workmates, hobbies that are communal etc.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#56

Post by alashley »

edpichler wrote: post #37
TheOneTrueKyle wrote: post #30

I have been "lonely" most of my life. I have lived in a terrible town growing up where everyone lived on the other side of town. I went to college where nothing was happening and nothing is really interesting and I didn't connect with anyone really. Now, I am reaching 30, and have spent the most of my 20s trying to find a way to move to a place that will make me happy. I'm hoping this will eventually happen, but I ha…

Man, could I give an advice to you? Don't expect too much from other people, and try you to create "events" and invite some people, with similar interests, to join with you. Don't worry about the "no"s you will receive, pay attention to the "yes". The change start on you. This works for me.

> Don't expect too much from other people

I think you have to at least "expect" things to change for the better socially. Maybe its just a matter of finding the right people where you can set expectations of each other? There will be times when the expectations cannot be met, but respect and communication help with that.

Maybe this view is too idealistic :/

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#58

Post by ArkyBeagle »

mtw wrote: post #40
conistonwater wrote: post #3

I like the article, but I gotta ask: why the focus on "new research"? Is "old research" not good enough? I suppose it might not be, but some of it should really be at least brought up. Here's a book from 1974 [1] by Robert Weiss, whose first (sample) chapter [2] reads very similar to the NYTimes piece, and covers many of the same issues, even before the internet was around. In particular, it draws the line (much more…

It's because loneliness is much more prevalent now than in 1974. It's no longer exotic but a condition sometimes voluntarily chosen and supported by modern technologies in 2016. Also we used to think that heart disease risk is mostly tied to diet and exercise. But it's still the #1 killer in the United States. So every protective or risk factor needs to be considered. As such, new research linking heart disease, CVD,…

My folks were Silent Generation,and I think we're a lot less lonely than they were. And face it, I like being alone. I haven't felt lonely since college, and I think that was mostly performance anxiety.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#59

Post by TheOneTrueKyle »

soneca wrote: post #46
TheOneTrueKyle wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I mean I still try and I give more than I receive for sure, but nothing seems to be working. For the first half of my 20s I didn't leave the house under the assumption that, "if I work hard, I can live where I want to and find a job in a cool place. No reason to make friends now." I have since replaced that assumption, but it's hard to find meaningful relationships in a place you despise.

Do you despise all people living in the place you live now? Take this lightly, but I bet you can find at least one more person that "despises" your place and you can discuss that with them. :)

I will say that my limited connections comes from mutual hate and not mutual interests.

Not sure if that is good or bad.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#60

Post by allemagne »

bvinc wrote: post #43

I think it's valuable to think about this problem from an evolutionary perspective. Almost every problem we have can be viewed this way. We should be asking ourselves how we were living 100,000 years ago. This is what our bodies and our brains are expecting. The whole concept of the nuclear family and a house and a fence is a completely foreign concept to our bodies because we haven't been doing it for very many gene…

Isn't that sort of what a nuclear family living in a house or a college dorm is?
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