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How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

nytimes.com

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Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#41

Post by TheOneTrueKyle »

edpichler wrote: post #37
TheOneTrueKyle wrote: post #30

I have been "lonely" most of my life. I have lived in a terrible town growing up where everyone lived on the other side of town. I went to college where nothing was happening and nothing is really interesting and I didn't connect with anyone really. Now, I am reaching 30, and have spent the most of my 20s trying to find a way to move to a place that will make me happy. I'm hoping this will eventually happen, but I ha…

Man, could I give an advice to you? Don't expect too much from other people, and try you to create "events" and invite some people, with similar interests, to join with you. Don't worry about the "no"s you will receive, pay attention to the "yes". The change start on you. This works for me.

I mean I still try and I give more than I receive for sure, but nothing seems to be working.

For the first half of my 20s I didn't leave the house under the assumption that, "if I work hard, I can live where I want to and find a job in a cool place. No reason to make friends now."

I have since replaced that assumption, but it's hard to find meaningful relationships in a place you despise.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#42

Post by TheOneTrueKyle »

xabotage wrote: post #20
muninn_ wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right. It's not an issue of technology, for the most part, but it's the way American cities are designed. Instead of mixed-use walkable neighborhoods where people with a variety of incomes and backgrounds live, and stay put, we have suburban fortresses where people live in a box, never talk to their neighbors, drive a box to work, work in a box, then do it all over again. The national highway system was great for a n…

I've seen this brought up many times before but I disagree completely that American cities' designs are the culprit. I enjoy visiting my family in their "suburban fortresses" out in the Midwest where you have to drive a car to get anywhere. I enjoy it because it gives me a chance to recover from the crippling social isolation that comes with living in a city with roommates, taking buses everywhere, walking around in…

I leave the house far more thanks to Uber. There are cool things happening, but it requires me to drive and I hate driving.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#43

Post by bvinc »

I think it's valuable to think about this problem from an evolutionary perspective. Almost every problem we have can be viewed this way.

We should be asking ourselves how we were living 100,000 years ago. This is what our bodies and our brains are expecting. The whole concept of the nuclear family and a house and a fence is a completely foreign concept to our bodies because we haven't been doing it for very many generations.

From what I know, we should be living in tribes, right?

From that perspective, I would immediately look at communal housing solutions. Maybe we should often be living in very small apartments with communal living areas and communal eating and cooking areas. That's closer to what our bodies and minds expect, right?

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#44

Post by kovacs »

JumpCrisscross wrote: post #16
arkitaip wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We city apartment people aren't better at socializing with our neighbors, probably even worse. The stereotype that cities can be harsh and unfriendly is very much rooted in reality.

I have lived in my Manhattan building for only 2 years. Know most of the other residents, the owners of neighborhood restaurants, local politicians, et cetera . That said, I do not feel that expectation of social and civic engagement in San Francisco.

Yup. I've lived in SF since 2000 and every time I go to NYC it's way easier to connect with people. It's either I'm different when I'm in NYC or it's SF. Or maybe a bit of both but your comment resonates very strongly with me.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#45

Post by LeanderK »

tnecniv wrote: post #29
LeanderK wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i speak with strangers in bars all the time, seriously. I thought it's one of the reasons bars exists. Even most tinder-dates start in bars, because if it's not going anywhere there other people to talk to. You just might not get laid.

I must be going to the wrong bars. Everyone I go regularly has people minding their own business.

well, if i am not interested in keeping the conversation between me and the friends i am meeting or if i want to talk to strangers because they're late/i am in a foreign city etc. what works for me is to sit directly at the bar (is this correct english, i hope you understand what i mean). It's way easier to start a conversation there.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#46

Post by soneca »

TheOneTrueKyle wrote: post #41
edpichler wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Man, could I give an advice to you? Don't expect too much from other people, and try you to create "events" and invite some people, with similar interests, to join with you. Don't worry about the "no"s you will receive, pay attention to the "yes". The change start on you. This works for me.

I mean I still try and I give more than I receive for sure, but nothing seems to be working. For the first half of my 20s I didn't leave the house under the assumption that, "if I work hard, I can live where I want to and find a job in a cool place. No reason to make friends now." I have since replaced that assumption, but it's hard to find meaningful relationships in a place you despise.

Do you despise all people living in the place you live now?

Take this lightly, but I bet you can find at least one more person that "despises" your place and you can discuss that with them. :)

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#47

Post by gragas »

mtw wrote: post #40
conistonwater wrote: post #3

I like the article, but I gotta ask: why the focus on "new research"? Is "old research" not good enough? I suppose it might not be, but some of it should really be at least brought up. Here's a book from 1974 [1] by Robert Weiss, whose first (sample) chapter [2] reads very similar to the NYTimes piece, and covers many of the same issues, even before the internet was around. In particular, it draws the line (much more…

It's because loneliness is much more prevalent now than in 1974. It's no longer exotic but a condition sometimes voluntarily chosen and supported by modern technologies in 2016. Also we used to think that heart disease risk is mostly tied to diet and exercise. But it's still the #1 killer in the United States. So every protective or risk factor needs to be considered. As such, new research linking heart disease, CVD,…

That's not to say that loneliness causes those things. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find that lonely people are more likely to be depressed and sedentary. Many diseases follow from being depressed and sedentary.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#48

Post by alashley »

tnecniv wrote: post #29
LeanderK wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i speak with strangers in bars all the time, seriously. I thought it's one of the reasons bars exists. Even most tinder-dates start in bars, because if it's not going anywhere there other people to talk to. You just might not get laid.

I must be going to the wrong bars. Everyone I go regularly has people minding their own business.

I could be wrong but I feel like its generally more difficult to meet people at bars in small town, and its also tougher to fail fast.

Bars in big cities provide more opportunities but then I think people are generally seen as more "disposable" if that make sense.

This is coming from someone who also feels like they have been going to the wrong bars.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#49

Post by gragas »

TheOneTrueKyle wrote: post #30

I have been "lonely" most of my life. I have lived in a terrible town growing up where everyone lived on the other side of town. I went to college where nothing was happening and nothing is really interesting and I didn't connect with anyone really. Now, I am reaching 30, and have spent the most of my 20s trying to find a way to move to a place that will make me happy. I'm hoping this will eventually happen, but I ha…

>However, the greatest joy for me is sitting in front of my computer interacting with you folk.

That sounds like my version of hell.

I think the best thing you can do is ask people to do things with you. Many will say no, but that's okay. Eventually you'll make friends.

Re: How Social Isolation Is Killing Us

#50

Post by Swizec »

xabotage wrote: post #20
muninn_ wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right. It's not an issue of technology, for the most part, but it's the way American cities are designed. Instead of mixed-use walkable neighborhoods where people with a variety of incomes and backgrounds live, and stay put, we have suburban fortresses where people live in a box, never talk to their neighbors, drive a box to work, work in a box, then do it all over again. The national highway system was great for a n…

I've seen this brought up many times before but I disagree completely that American cities' designs are the culprit. I enjoy visiting my family in their "suburban fortresses" out in the Midwest where you have to drive a car to get anywhere. I enjoy it because it gives me a chance to recover from the crippling social isolation that comes with living in a city with roommates, taking buses everywhere, walking around in…

> I enjoy visiting my family

> surrounded by people who don't care about you

That's the difference. Not city vs. suburban. Where are the people that care about you and that you care about? That's where you will feel less socially isolated.

I'd bet that if you went to a suburbia that doesn't contain your family, you'd feel just as isolated as you do in the city.

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