Ask HN: I’m being bullied at work. What do I do?

"On my first week, me and the PO had a disagreement during a Scrum Grooming. It wasn’t a big deal for me but it must have been a big deal for her."

Can you elaborate on this? What was the disagreement?

Have you tried talking to her? Explaining the situation from your perspective, and just trying to let her know that you want to clear the air with her?

I think opening up to her about your worries and feelings can help you both move forward and make your work environment more friendly.

What I didn't do in your situation - should have done - was to stick up for myself. Now, "sticking up" can take several forms, and the trick is to do it appropriately.

If you're too gentle, the other party might not understand that you have concerns, might not respect them as important, or might be able to pretend not to know about them.

If you're too emphatic, you risk exceeding the bounds of professionalism yourself.

Do stand up for yourself. Don't bully her.

I'm sorry you have to deal with being harassed and find your self in an uncomfortable environment daily. I have dealt with this kind of behavior in the past working for several large companies, and as a quiet person that likes to keep to myself I have always had problems dealing with power dynamics. You have a few options.

1. Find a new Job then quit. This may sound like hard advice to take, but if you are in a position and you feel like the structure of the company creates an environment were a person being victimized has no recourse, do you really want to work there anyway? It's always hard to quit a job but finding a new job first will make it much easier, and it will be easier to find a new job now that you are currently employed and have experience. ( I've done this )

2. Find a new job and then talk to HR. If HR does not act to stop the harassment then you can threaten to quit. If you come under retaliation then you can quit. Be sure you have an actual job offer before you threaten to quit, employers will often taken you up on that threat.

3. Talk to the person in a personal way. Explain that you want to be friends and explain how their actions are negatively impacting you. I've found that many people play power dynamics games in an unconscious/impersonal way. They either don't know that they are doing anything to distress you or largely consider it "part of the game". In any case when rational people are faced with the consequences of their actions they often change their behavior.

Good luck and may God bless you.

> No, but it sure as hell keeps it at bay.

I would avoid this attitude. Assume there are areas where you can improve in this dimension. The fact that you're being defensive on this point here with us is not a good signal. It makes me think that maybe you are being defensive at work as well.

The correct response to this is, "I'll keep that in mind and look for ways to improve." There is zero room for making statements about how good you are on this point or any other, except through action. There is no way talking up your own qualities can help.

> Edit: From your perspective how can I solve it?

Personally, I'd go the direct conversation route. Schedule a one-on-one, say, "I've gotten the impression that our relationship doesn't have the professional trust I would like it to. I'd like to understand what I can do better." Take radical steps to demonstrate good faith. Never complain, never defend.

I was actually in this situation lately, but on the other side of the table. I had a person under my leadership who had been disgruntled and unsatisfied, and I had to go to them and basically say, I'm sorry I've been a bad lead, but I want to repair this. We had a long conversation where I basically took responsibility for every bad thing that had happened, and pledged to improve. Since then, there's been a night and day improvement in our professional relationship.

If it were a peer, I might suggest something different, because bullying in this case might be a way for the peer to assert extra-organizational power over you. But this individual already has organizational power over you -- what you perceive as bullying is probably not about obtaining more power.

Or it could be a rare case where the other individual has some sort of sociopathic tendencies. In which case there is probably not much you can do. But nine times out of ten this is not the situation.