Ask HN: Co-founder mom died, and his depression is effecting the business

Grandpa Fred was my beloved's grandpa. In 1998, we were out in Iowa visiting the extended relatives on that side of the family and did a video interview life review...on video tape. Grandpa Fred was born in 1912. We asked him about his life. The first thing he said at age 86 was that his mother died when he was twelve and "after that there was no picnic". It had been 74 years. He'd buried a wife. And a son. And in his mind the death of his mother was the defining event in his life.

From a business standpoint, it's an unlucky break. From a personal standpoint it's a profound tragedy for your cofounder. If the business is viable this won't be the last encounter with bad luck. How this one is handled will set the company culture.

My random advice from the internet:

1. Google up "grieving process". You won't discover how to fix it because there ain't no fixing it. It might help you understand what your cofounder is going through and suggest constructive ways to help.

2. The tragedy effects all three of you. That's why there's demotivation and frustration. Group counseling might be a way to work through the current situation. Relationships are one the things that counseling strengthens.

3. Reframing your coworker's condition as grieving rather than depressed puts it in the right light. It acknowledges the proximate cause and places the sadness within a timeline. More importantly it recognizes that the condition is not pathological or a mental disorder. It's simply a healthy part of the human condition.

4. Suppose you and the other founder kick out the grieving cofounder. Afterwards, there's still just the two of you. It is nice to imagine that the business would be in the same shape that it's in now. But it won't be. It will have gone through the distraction and disruption of removing a founder. On top of the disruption and distraction that the death has already caused.

5. Ultimately the business decision is whether to lawyer up or to team up. I hate sports analogies, but here one would be managing a squad where someone has blown out an ACL. The person can usually return to full fitness but it takes time.

Good luck.

If I recall the story correctly, Alexis Ohanian of reddit's mother passed during the founding period. Perhaps you should try to reach out and see how they dealt with it.

sounds like the real reason is that someone's not pulling their weight. the question becomes, was this person pulling his/her weight before this family affair? i'm assuming this was a random, sudden change or was the mother sick, for example, during a long stretch and recently succumbed? what i'm guessing is that this was a long battle, the latter, and that he hasn't been himself for a long time. if you value his potential or previous contributions then put him on extended leave, even if he doesn't want to, and then deal with it by pushing harder or hiring people. if you're just using this recent development as a trigger then i think it's a bit more involved and you probably are regretful of having him in the first place, regardless of this most recent change or not, but perhaps dealing with some guilt due to the recent passing of his mother.

In my mind, the single best part of being a business owner/founder is freedom. That includes the freedom to be compassionate. That's what is required here.

Your startup is really insignificant compared to losing a loved one.

I'm interested to know what he said when you communicated to him that the two of you find him uncooperative and that you feel he is holding you and the project up.

This has the potential to make your team stronger. This a good example of an exception where this particular co-founder should come first over you, or the project.

I don't think it's unreasonable to put a timeframe around this, so you don't enable and he doesn't exploit the situation. I think that's closer to the 12 month mark than the 4 month mark.