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No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

theatlantic.com

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Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#371

Post by ohyoutravel »

MarkMc wrote: post #368
ivanhoe wrote: post #366

This is possibly a good long term approach, but what to do when you need to put the situation under the control quickly, and kids just don't cooperate? I had such experience when my 4yo kid was at some point fascinated by kitchen stove, turning the gas knobs on/off. It's just something that you can't slowly teach him not to do, you need to draw the line right away, for his own safety. You can't reason with kid that s…

A workmate once told me that he found his young son fiddling with the dials next to a hot stove. So he took his son's hand and briefly placed it on the hot part. The son ran away crying but he learned his lesson.

This is what rational me says I should do, because it makes sense. But I can't imagine my wife understanding, and the questions at pre-school, etc. Assuming it was a small burn, because that's what would cause a child to cry. Plus I might hate myself for doing it. It's a short jump from "I touched my son's hand to the hot stove to teach him it's bad" to CPS knocking on my door.

Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#372

Post by mamadrood »

MarkMc wrote: post #368
ivanhoe wrote: post #366

This is possibly a good long term approach, but what to do when you need to put the situation under the control quickly, and kids just don't cooperate? I had such experience when my 4yo kid was at some point fascinated by kitchen stove, turning the gas knobs on/off. It's just something that you can't slowly teach him not to do, you need to draw the line right away, for his own safety. You can't reason with kid that s…

A workmate once told me that he found his young son fiddling with the dials next to a hot stove. So he took his son's hand and briefly placed it on the hot part. The son ran away crying but he learned his lesson.

That's a good way to build trust with your son. And to be a decent human being. But, sarcasm aside, there is a huge line between scaring / yelling at your kid and physical harm and this is way over the line.

Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#373

Post by MarkMc »

3131s wrote: post #160

I live in a very poor Asian country where most every parent has never given a single thought to behavior theory or been exposed to the whole parenting industry. It's mostly just feed your kid, let them run around unsupervised with other kids outside, and have the oldest child handle certain responsibilities like getting everybody to school on time. Having worked with kids back in the US and here, the contrast in beha…

It's interesting that in rich Asian countries like Japan, Korea, Singapore, the stereotype is of Tiger Moms whose parenting attitude is the polar opposite of what you describe.

Perhaps taking a hands-off approach is more likely to result in well-adjusted, independent children AND children who learn and earn less.

Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#375

Post by maroonblazer »

marcell wrote: post #62

Quoting the article: > "Sarah, put on the green coat or the red sweater. We're going to go out, okay?" Choice among humans increases the likelihood of compliance. And choice isn't important, it's the appearance of choice that's important. I've gotten this exact advice from so many articles and pop psych pieces. Maybe they are written by non-parents or their children are much easier, but it never works for me. My 4 ye…

With my kid I adopted the "Parenting with Love and Logic" approach which suggests that we (parents) pick too many battles with our kids and should instead let them learn first hand the consequences of their choices. So in the case of the coat, if the child refuses to wear one then they get to experience what cold feels like.

Time outs have worked very well for me too. Some behavior is simply unacceptable and ignoring it only teaches them they can repeat it.

Lastly, I think there's a tendency to forget that, with kids, they're basically completely different people every few days/weeks. We've gone through a lot of phases with our son and sometimes the best solution is to simply wait it out. More often than not the behavior changes as his brain changes.

Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#376

Post by gegtik »

marcell wrote: post #62

Quoting the article: > "Sarah, put on the green coat or the red sweater. We're going to go out, okay?" Choice among humans increases the likelihood of compliance. And choice isn't important, it's the appearance of choice that's important. I've gotten this exact advice from so many articles and pop psych pieces. Maybe they are written by non-parents or their children are much easier, but it never works for me. My 4 ye…

same - my 3yo will ALWAYS respond to false choice with "NEITHER!"

Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#377

Post by tdubhro1 »

ivanhoe wrote: post #366

This is possibly a good long term approach, but what to do when you need to put the situation under the control quickly, and kids just don't cooperate? I had such experience when my 4yo kid was at some point fascinated by kitchen stove, turning the gas knobs on/off. It's just something that you can't slowly teach him not to do, you need to draw the line right away, for his own safety. You can't reason with kid that s…

In such a case you still have the option to make the behavior physically impossible, by placing a physical barrier around the dangerous object; no different from a fire-guard in front of an open fire, or a childproof gate at the bottom of a flight of stairs. In my own experience, my kids got the message about the stove by being told sternly not to touch it and why it was dangerous, calmly but firmly and seriously. Other stuff took repeating, but never more than 3 times (kids have moments when they're just not taking information in, and we're constantly telling them what to do, so factor that in, you need to repeat the really important stuff)

Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#379

Post by irishcoffee »

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #364
tux1968 wrote: post #363

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's like saying, driving a car requires a neutral energy balance, you need to put in just as much gas as you burn. While 100% true. It's not helpful information. It doesn't mention the fact that different cars burn fuel at a different rate. That some drivers can afford a higher octane fuel. And that a poorly tuned vehicle with incorrect tire pressure will require more fuel. The point is, that there are many factors…

And yet for each of us, where we're at right now, we lose weight by eating less and exercising more that we are right now . Its a wonderfully self-calibrating system.

Nobody likes that answer. Personal accountability sucks.

Re: No Spanking, No Time-Out, No Problems

#380

Post by belorn »

ivanhoe wrote: post #366

This is possibly a good long term approach, but what to do when you need to put the situation under the control quickly, and kids just don't cooperate? I had such experience when my 4yo kid was at some point fascinated by kitchen stove, turning the gas knobs on/off. It's just something that you can't slowly teach him not to do, you need to draw the line right away, for his own safety. You can't reason with kid that s…

Kids often has a reason for doing things, including not cooperating. Where he trying to get attention? emulating? You can't reason with kids out of those.

Trying to scare kids into compliance is rarely a effective method, and has some very nasty side effects. If long term approaches can't be used, child proof gas knobs exist.

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