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What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

nytimes.com

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Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#91

Post by kafkaesq »

gerbilly wrote: post #73

I've been thinking about this lately and I've concluded that a big driver of overwork is the misguided quest for fulfillment. Not really fulfillment like we normally call it, I'd say more like acceptance. Perhaps many of us are seeking love and acceptance from bosses and coworkers, and overworking ourselves to obtain it. I believe that building your identity on anything that isn't yours is stressful. Building your eg…

Not really fulfillment like we normally call it, I'd say more like acceptance.

That's exactly it -- people strive for "fulfillment", but find it to be at best a nebulous goal, ever out of reach. So they settle its poor imitations - acceptance and recognition.

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#92

Post by throwaway28935 »

Zooper wrote: post #35
throwaway28935 wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it was the opposite. The whole time I was overworking I was aware and wishing I wasn't and very much imagining myself doing other things. Now I'm aware and wishing I was back to normal and working. I spent about 4 years working flat out. If I was awake I was working, trying to keep the income coming after the recession hit. Then something snapped. The now ex-wife had to unwind the things I was part way through…

I went through this; I took an entire year and change off. After a prolonged period of relationship and work stress, I simply had to step away. Any time I tried to do any sort of work, I'd seize, freeze-up, and become filled with an overwhelming sense of dread and hatred. So I did nothing for a very long time. Then, when I tried again, it was as you describe. I eventually got another job, one I enjoy, as money became…

> overwhelming sense of dread and hatred

This. If I push there's something like a slowdown, like a movie or dream effect, and if I keep on trying I end up feeling tired too.

Thanks for the positive message, it's good to know I can get out the other side.

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#93

Post by throwaway28935 »

pipio21 wrote: post #52
throwaway28935 wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it was the opposite. The whole time I was overworking I was aware and wishing I wasn't and very much imagining myself doing other things. Now I'm aware and wishing I was back to normal and working. I spent about 4 years working flat out. If I was awake I was working, trying to keep the income coming after the recession hit. Then something snapped. The now ex-wife had to unwind the things I was part way through…

You do procrastinate. What is happening is that you basically forced yourself to work when you did not want to for so long, your emotional system learned that work is pain, basically. Think of this like a Paulov conditioning a dog to have an electric shock every time he lights a bulb. At the end the dog avoids the lightbulb at all cost, even when not lighted. Forcing yourself to do something painful trained your brai…

Wow. This resonates strongly.

The parts I didn't mention, like for the 4 or 5 years of madness I could see the damage going on at home. We ended up so toxic towards each other, I'd feel guilt for the staff at the business and my partner and kids. No choice was guilt free or win, so the pressure built quickly.

Looking back I wish I'd let the staff go long before I did, and shutter the business far quicker. Walking away and getting a low pressure job for a year would have been better for everyone. Doing what I was doing for the family cost me the relationship. We had a good split, the now ex came back to help when I broke and helped deal with all the outstanding business things. We still talk, though she doesn't understand what's going on with me, but neither do I, and thinks I can snap out of it.

I like your suggestions, the hacker me always wants to understand everything, so it appeals on many levels, and as you guessed medical options are a bit limited now.

Thank you.

With all the responses to my quick comment last night, and writing out my replies I've got a real lift today. I need to make progress from that. Thank you everyone.

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#94

Post by throwaway28935 »

GFischer wrote: post #90
pipio21 wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You do procrastinate. What is happening is that you basically forced yourself to work when you did not want to for so long, your emotional system learned that work is pain, basically. Think of this like a Paulov conditioning a dog to have an electric shock every time he lights a bulb. At the end the dog avoids the lightbulb at all cost, even when not lighted. Forcing yourself to do something painful trained your brai…

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is exactly for this kind of problems. I'm not sure where the original poster is, but here in my country, you can get free therapy by going to the training/university centre. You get therapy by postgraduate trainees (but very sharp and with everything fresh), and supervised by some of the very best, unaffordable professionals :) Here's a list in the United States (where I guess the poster li…

You guessed well. :)

Thanks for the links, I wouldn't immediately have thought of universities.

I like pipio21's suggestions as they sit very well with current situation.

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#95

Post by alxndr »

copperx wrote: post #43
callmeal wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Welcome to America.

Actually, if you get hospitalized in America you are assigned a Social Worker who makes sure you will be OK at home and helps make arrangements if necessary.

Has this happened to you?

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#96

Post by throwaway28935 »

austinjp wrote: post #67
throwaway28935 wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it was the opposite. The whole time I was overworking I was aware and wishing I wasn't and very much imagining myself doing other things. Now I'm aware and wishing I was back to normal and working. I spent about 4 years working flat out. If I was awake I was working, trying to keep the income coming after the recession hit. Then something snapped. The now ex-wife had to unwind the things I was part way through…

Good luck, and I hope you resolve things as best they can be resolved. This certainly sounds like depression. Some people respond well to cognitive behavioural therapy, some people really don't, and other therapies are worth exploring. It can be a long slog, and it can get worse before it gets better. I hope you can seek help, and I hope you can stick with until something works. If you and your doctor decide that ant…

Thank you for the thoughts. I was on Prozac for some months, and they definitely took the edge off but instead of flunking I'd flunk happily. It masked some of the symptoms but didn't get to the core issue. CBT wasnt suggested and I didn't ask, though I would now.

If I'd had more motivation (that's something that's coming back, to start I could care less about anything) I think the Prozac could have helped me along.

Exercise is a good suggestion, I've dropped out of most, so asking a friend or two to join up for some running and gym is overdue. Gets me out of the house and the self-feeding guilt too.

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#97

Post by throwaway28935 »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #74
throwaway28935 wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it was the opposite. The whole time I was overworking I was aware and wishing I wasn't and very much imagining myself doing other things. Now I'm aware and wishing I was back to normal and working. I spent about 4 years working flat out. If I was awake I was working, trying to keep the income coming after the recession hit. Then something snapped. The now ex-wife had to unwind the things I was part way through…

I've been through that; I'm on my way better, but it's slow and I'm not quite yet there. Few things that helped me: - SSRI - I couldn't recover from the mental pain I had constantly until I visited a doctor and got put on those medications; it didn't solve my problem, but it lowers the pain to manageable levels - removing distractions - I unsubscribed from every newsletter I could that I didn't absolutely care about,…

Thank you, and good luck to you!

- SSRI - I was on these for a few months near the start. I think it was the wrong timing, they masked the symptoms but didn't get to the core. My motivation was at an all time low so I flunked happily instead of just flunking. I was dropping everything and becoming a zombie. Now motivation is coming back again I think they or CBT might have helped move things along.

- distractions - I need to work on this more. I've done some, but as I'm starting to wake up a bit, I know I should do more. I need to get at least one space of the home back to cltter free and break the mental clutter too. It's too easy to feel I'm continuing the chaos of the workaholic times.

- writing - I like this. I've been doing something like this last few weeks, just into an editor file, and it's given me enough shape to know I need to be "not here".

- acceptance - Oh I am so bad at this, and rather good at obsessing how broken I am at the end of a day. I had a good head, and find it too easy to remind myself, and how stupid I'm being. Now some motivation is coming back it's probably worse - I was more like a teen with "yeah whatever" to everything six months ago.

Some good points to think on, and work on.

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#98

Post by throwaway28935 »

dspillett wrote: post #58
throwaway28935 wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it was the opposite. The whole time I was overworking I was aware and wishing I wasn't and very much imagining myself doing other things. Now I'm aware and wishing I was back to normal and working. I spent about 4 years working flat out. If I was awake I was working, trying to keep the income coming after the recession hit. Then something snapped. The now ex-wife had to unwind the things I was part way through…

That sounds like a mix of two things: 1. The working routine you build up in the elongated crunch period simply isn't compatible with not having a hard deadline or seven. I get this myself after years of burning the candle at both ends and it is taking quite some time to beat it out of myself. The problem is that my work ethic has for years been fuelled by deadline fear, and those short times when the pressure came o…

I recognise the first very strongly. Somewhere I got to a similar flip and procrastinate everything no matter how simple until it is "house is on fire" urgent.

You're probably right about depression, I was on Prozac a while but while I was still in the down spiral. It seemed to make me a happy flake, mask some symptoms but the downward direction and apathy remained. Now I feel a bit of motivation again I think they might help, or maybe CBT.

I had one brush with depression some years ago, and it felt different, but that was a much cleaner cause and effect. A short spell of SSRIs and I was able to break out quite easily.

Thanks!

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#99

Post by BigJeffeRonaldo »

It's not complicated to understand. If you work hard, you need rest. Your body, if you don't derange her with stimulant drinks and cocaine, she will tell you, "I need to rest!" So just listen! It's not that hard. Just listen to your grandma instead of being a techno nerd who drinks red bull until he is deranged with permanently lowered IQ from sleep deprivation and a weird disease. If you work hard, you need a rest.

Re: What I Learned from a Stroke at 26: Make Time to Untangle

#100

Post by gozur88 »

Xiol wrote: post #68
randomacct44 wrote: post #8

What the? "When I was discharged from the hospital late the next day, the cabdriver asked me, “Where do I take you?” I couldn’t remember the name of my street. I handed him the discharge paperwork with my address on it, arrived home and slept for a long while." How does someone who just had a stroke get discharged from hospital the next day, to a taxi?

I found this line particularly shocking. When my mum suffered a stroke, she was hospitalised for 7 months and had a team of occupational/speech/physiotherapists around here helping her recover as much as possible (which wasn't much, to be fair). But socialised medicine is evil, and the NHS death panels could've taken her.

Not all strokes are equal. For a minor ischemic stroke it's normal to be discharged after three days or so. There isn't any reason to stay longer, really, since they'll treat it with medication.

Your mother probably had a hemorrhagic stroke, which is much more serious. She probably had surgery, too?

I'm not really sure why he was discharged the next day, but it might not be unreasonable depending on the exact diagnosis. Or maybe he refused to stay - some people do that.

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