11–20 of 249 posts
One of the things that helped me get through a pretty dark rough patch was just time away from responsibility. Then, when I jumped back in, being in a supporting/safe environment.
Plan B? Go to India, take off a few weeks. Your mind will be blown.
Then come back to planet earth. The internet thing is getting a bit old, farming is hot, maybe a career change is due.
It's helpful to place yourself in context you are not the only person who's felt brutalized by this industry. I doubt you suck you wouldn't have ever made any team if you were really terrible this industry can be very hard on self esteem, it can get very lonely. I've survived 25 years in web development some days I wanted to cut my wrists but you soldier on. I haven't even had more than 1 day off since 1995. Keep a s…
> I've survived 25 years in web development some days I wanted to cut my wrists but you soldier on. I do no soldiering. When I feel mistreated, I quit. So far I have been rewarded with nontrivial bumps in income for doing so. (edit: to not tangle this subthread, moved my reply to the OP to a top-level post!)
Tell me about something you intend to accomplish next month.
Give us a view of your world from a positive perspective. In doing so, you'll find not everything is bad. This is the first step in the right direction.
Impostor syndrome sucks. Everyone has it. This industry is a bunch of nerds (and this part is not pejorative, I am one) who spent most of their lives being identified by how smart they were and they are culturally incentivized (and this one is pejorative, because tech culture is trash, but it's not your fault unless you perpetuate it, so don't!) to be desperate to win the approval of their peers by how bulging their foreheads are. You will not, statistically, win enough of these nerd fights to be Lord High Nerd Of All You Survey. You will feel dumb, you will feel clueless. And so does every person around you, including the prick who's sneering so you feel worse than he does. I am not intending to be dismissive of how you feel, because I've been there. But I have learned that there are much more important things to worry about than "oh noes, not all of the biggest tech companies don't think I'm A-1 and the stunted people around me kinda suck." You will, I promise, be fine.
You can change the game. I embrace not knowing stuff, and I'm a consultant so I'm supposed to be all-knowing. Clients blink in surprise (and appreciate) when I say "I have no idea about that." I just go find the answer. Because I'm not dumb. Neither are you.
I have a 33% offer rate (3 for 9) when talking to GooAppFaceTwitrosoft. I rejected those three offers. And it's funny, right? When I wanted them, they didn't want me. When they wanted me, I realized I didn't want them. But you're inside, at one of the big companies, right? I would hope that you know the game: if you keep applying to these places, if you keep trying, you will eventually get an offer. And if you know the game, you should be able to find the perspective to laugh it off. But I'd bet money you probably don't really want one, at least for the reasons you state.
(edit: So I skated over the "death doesn't seem so bad" thing on first read, and that's red-flaggish. I am not going to flap my hands about depression, because I not a head doctor and don't even pretend to be one. But you should talk to someone, 'cause if your brain chemistry tends toward dark places it's worth getting checked out, and the advice regarding the Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you're feeling really bad is great advice. But, for serious: you will be okay if you give yourself a chance to be. Nothing in tech is worth breaking yourself over.)
With a side project you'll:
1. Create something other people will hopefully enjoy to use. 2. Have an opportunity to flex your skills. 3. Gain feedback from users who want you to improve (much more valuable than feedback from ego-driven team mates!) 4. Show others (users, the community, team mates and companies) how badass you are.
The worst part of depression is that it clouds normal thought processes. That's probably why you can't perform as you once did.
Find a way to see a psychiatrist you feel comfortable around. Go with a family or friend if that helps get you over the hump.
So many high achievers I know go through this. You're not alone, and with proper help you'll get through it, and be stronger too.
You deserve happiness and to be around those that appreciate you. Don't give up the fight.
You have classic signs of depression. Perhaps major depression. The worst part of depression is that it clouds normal thought processes. That's probably why you can't perform as you once did. Find a way to see a psychiatrist you feel comfortable around. Go with a family or friend if that helps get you over the hump. So many high achievers I know go through this. You're not alone, and with proper help you'll get throu…
Can attest. Can absolutely attest to this.