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Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

nautil.us

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Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#41

Post by Benjammer »

pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

>started to notice how little I had in common with the people I spent time with

What do you mean by this, specifically? I've wrestled with the idea of finding people I have more "in common with," but I've ended up at a place where I think the idea of "best friends" is kind of an overblown myth, or at least it's a LOT rarer than people think it is. What's the fun in hanging out with someone who's the same as you, anyway?

I'm come to realize that, while I tend to think I'm losing touch with old friends because "we don't have a lot in common anymore," it's far more often just because one or both of us is being a shitty friend and the relationship isn't giving enough satisfaction in return to continue investing in maintaining it for one or both parties.

>how rarely we talked about or did anything that was really meaningful for me

But really, if you always did "meaningful" things and always had "meaningful" conversations with your friends, then nothing would actually stand out as "meaningful." Maybe there are other reasons to converse and hang out with people than finding deep meaning in everything. Most people seeking out that deeper "meaning" tend to have to find it for themselves, they don't just discover a perfect group of like-minded individuals who can evoke the meaning of life from their deep, intellectual conversations with each other.

>sometimes I notice some couples or groups of friends around me, having fun, laughing together, and it bothers me

I think this is sort of a social darwinism version of the imposter syndrome. It seems so easy when you see a group of people laughing together. It seems like they just effortlessly entertain each other, but nobody sees the inner workings behind the scenes. Nobody sees the fact that Jenny secretly hates Stacy, but hides it because the group is fun to hang out with and Stacy is always there, or that Steve is dating Brian's ex and Brian says it's fine but really secretly hates it, etc...

This idea where you see couples or groups of people who just seem to effortlessly get along, and it seems like they aren't even trying is totally false. Sure, there are people for whom social skills come far more naturally, but relationships of any kind take effort by both parties to maintain and grow.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#42

Post by ikeyany »

pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

> as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would be enough.

But the things you described are meaningful. Watching movies, playing games, and spending precious time doing "pointless" things are what life is about, in a sense. No one wants to hang out with someone who makes them feel worthless, that their mere companionship is a waste of time. Maybe take a step back and realize that other supposedly less interesting people are actually very interesting in their own ways. That is, assuming you want friends.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#43

Post by BurningFrog »

WolfDale775 wrote: post #40
pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

I'm 24 and I am (almost(?)) where you are for something more than couple of years now. Except(?)I have a girlfriend so I guess this "saves" me a bit. Many times I catch myself thinking about contacting some of my old friends or some people I got to know the latter years, to do something more than the usual stuff I get to do with my girlfriend, but I don't. I haven't figured out if I'm the picky b@st@srd or my "friend…

Having your girlfriend be your entire social life is one big single point of failure.

It's a bit like having your life's savings only in stocks of your employer.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#44

Post by pmoriarty »

Benjammer wrote: post #41
pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

>started to notice how little I had in common with the people I spent time with What do you mean by this, specifically? I've wrestled with the idea of finding people I have more "in common with," but I've ended up at a place where I think the idea of "best friends" is kind of an overblown myth, or at least it's a LOT rarer than people think it is. What's the fun in hanging out with someone who's the same as you, anyw…

> What do you mean by this, specifically?

Well, I guess I can elaborate a bit. I have a bunch of obscure interests, and most people haven't even heard of them, much less share them or are nearly as interested in them as I am. I used to be ok with that, and would hang out with people who would want to talk about and do things that I have absolutely no interest in, but after a while I realized that I was wasting my time doing that.

I'd rather just spend the time by myself, reading about, learning, or doing things that I was interested in. One thing I take great refuge in is reading old books by or about truly great authors and people, and they're always interested in and talk about exactly the things I am interested in, simply because I choose to read only those books which are about what I'm interested in (or am open to becoming interested in).

From time to time, I've joined clubs or gone to meetups of people who are interested in one of the things that I am interested in, but then it's rare for them to be interested in the other obscure things I'm interested in. And I guess that's where I get too picky for my own good, as there's really little chance of finding people who share all or even a significant fraction of the obscure stuff I'm interested in.

Not that it has to be all about common interests. If I could somehow make a deep connection with someone I could see myself getting interested in some of the things they were interested in, or vice-versa. But that's hard to do if you don't already have something in common to begin with.

As to your point about what's happening behind the scenes of a superficially happy looking group of people, I recognize that it may not (and probably isn't) quite as idyllic as it looks on the surface, and that recognition gives me even less reason to seek companionship with other people. There's often a lot of pain and effort involved, and for me it's just not worth it. It's so much easier and simpler to just stay my own best (and only) friend.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#45

Post by cylinder »

shaftoe wrote: post #38
pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

Your description of drifting apart from friends resonates with me. I've felt the same thing, where it's increasingly forced to care about people I no longer can connect with. I'm married and my wife has gone through a similar transformation. We're also fairly introverted, in the sense that social situations leave us feeling tired afterwards. The funny thing is that time together is like being alone: it isn't exhausti…

What's wrong with being tired though? You go out for a bit and socialize and then crashing on the couch with Netflix until you fall asleep feels more satisfying.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#46

Post by Thriptic »

Benjammer wrote: post #41
pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

>started to notice how little I had in common with the people I spent time with What do you mean by this, specifically? I've wrestled with the idea of finding people I have more "in common with," but I've ended up at a place where I think the idea of "best friends" is kind of an overblown myth, or at least it's a LOT rarer than people think it is. What's the fun in hanging out with someone who's the same as you, anyw…

I've found that I too have stopped hanging out with a lot of old friends, mainly because our friendships were based on circumstance / proximity or shared hardship more than shared values / thought processes / beliefs.

Most of my strongest friendships have tended to happen with people who share some of the same core values that I do but who are fundamentally different than me in other ways. This makes the relationship very rewarding as every conversation is a potential learning or growth opportunity for both parties.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#47

Post by labrador »

I work at home and program for a living. I just went to an AA meeting for the first time in a long time. I quit going 6 mos. ago because I disagree with the program's focus on god, but the loneliness of being isolated at home drove me back. My AA friends welcomed me back. When I got home, I took my blood pressure (I have high BP) and noticed it was much lower than I expected. Edit: I like solitude and can handle and enjoy a lot of it, but there is such a thing as too much for me apparently.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#50

Post by Swizec »

et-al wrote: post #25
Swizec wrote: post #3

I miss being alone so much I could cry. It wasn't long ago that I could get up in the morning to my empty apartment, stay in my apartment all day (I worked from home), and only see people when I felt like it. Throwing massive parties for 50+ people every month or so works amazingly well for both socialization and increasing your social standing. Nowadays I work from an office with a bunch of other people around me at…

> When I come home, there's my girlfriend. Sure I love her and I definitely can't afford my own rent, but sometimes I just wish I could come home to an empty apartment, you know? This may be naïve, but have you and her talked about this? I understand it may be possible for her to interpret wrong, but it sounds like something that you two can work out without needing to rent a separate apartment.

It's more like, if I'm going to have roommates anyway, I want it to be my girlfriend. And I do enjoy living with her, it's just that I also miss being alone.

She'd probably spend a lot of time at my place, or vice-versa, anyway so it definitely makes sense to live together. It's also one of those things that are nearly impossible to back down from without harming the relationship once you reach this stage.

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