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What Great Listeners Actually Do

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Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#61

Post by forgottenacc56 »

WalterBright wrote: post #32
hoodoof wrote: post #22

My ex partner always said I didn't listen to her. I really want to be a better listener. It seems to me that the key to listening is to actually be present and not half thinking about something else or what YOU want to say. Hard to do. >> thus, if you’ve been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather than listening, guilty

I too am guilty of every characteristic of bad listening. It's turning out to be a hard thing to work on.

Recognizing that is probably step one in getting better at it.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#62

Post by logicallee »

paulsutter wrote: post #43
Bahamut wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I despise the tactic of repeating back what other people said - it shows me that the other person isn't really dwelling on what I said, or more often in my experience, are using that to distort what I am saying in order to fit a particular agenda. I rather someone not fake listening in that case and wasting everyone's time.

What's your favorite technique for ensuring that you correctly understand the other person? For example, in a business negotiation, or crucial personal conversation?

Guys! Guys! Do you see what just happened here???

paulsutter didn't include a single thought from the parent nor paraphrased it - but the question and probing clearly made him a good listener! His question elicited a 4-paragraph response from Bahamut (who I would venture to say felt he was being listened to) whereas the other comments (that actively responded to the thought he expressed) did not result in any conversation.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#63

Post by AdieuToLogic »

PakG1 wrote: post #45
groby_b wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>>> thus, if you’ve been criticized (for example) for offering solutions rather than listening, >guilty This is not necessarily a question of "guilty". There are two major directions a conversation can go - "sympathy" or "solution". If your partner wants one, and you give the other, you operate under wrong premises due to an unstated assumption. On both sides. (If your "guilty" was a request for sympathy, I'm current…

This is crucial. I've found that when I talk especially with people who reside more on the emotional side of the spectrum (I myself seem to be more on the logical side of the spectrum), I need to really clarify before the conversation gets too deep that I'm good at expressing solutions, but I'm not so good at expressing sympathy/empathy. I'm good at having sympathy (not always empathy), but I'm not good at expressing…

  If someone could explain to me how to appear
  sincerely sympathetic in a way that makes
  sense to me, I'd love it.
I'd go with the direct approach and not bother with appearances. It's consistent, easy to remember, and emotionally honest. For example:

  I'm an analytical person and am genuinely interested in
  what you have to say.  If you'd like to hear possible
  solutions I can think of, then they would be with the
  intent of trying to help.  If not, I'm here to listen.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#64

Post by huuu »

Good listeners are also well rested.

I'm a good listener, but not at the moment. After long days of programming and some lack of sleep I notice that my listening is going down. I really dislike this because I think now I'm faking to be a good listener.

As for a lot of things: rest and sleep is important.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#65

Post by graeme »

Bahamut wrote: post #56
paulsutter wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What's your favorite technique for ensuring that you correctly understand the other person? For example, in a business negotiation, or crucial personal conversation?

If I don't understand something, asking someone to clarify on the part I misunderstand, asking someone to repeat what was said (with an apology prior - this is mainly if I completely missed what was said), or to give me insight on the detail(s) I am missing - leaving room for the other person to correct me is also important, as it naturally evokes a response if I have a detail wrong and give the person an opportunity…

But what about situations where you think you understand but you don't?

That's often the point of paraphrasing back what was said. I do this in cases of doubt, and often enough I learn my paraphrase was either incorrect or had the wrong emphasis.

I do it routinely enough that I often learn I was wrong when I had no doubts.

This technique does not seem to annoy people; quite the opposite. I'm sure it can be done badly - pure repetition rather than paraphrase would be senseless.l

Edit: upon further consideration, I think I do this when I notice there are multiple interpretations to a remark, or multiple factors at play (where I might think one is weighted 90%, but it could be 10%). I don't paraphrase things that are unambiguous.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#66

Post by AnthonyNagid »

One of my favorite listeners is the pianist Chick Corea. Sure he can dazzle when the spotlight is on him but the support he provides as an accompanist is also top notch. Interestingly his listening skills as a jazz pianist are evident in his speech. In the same way that he helps his colleagues on the band stand to realize their visions in the moment he also seems to help channel the ideas of the people he talks with. There is an interview he did with John Mayer that I think illustrates this well. IMO Corea is a better listener than Mayer where as Mayer seems to be more involved with his own thoughts.

http://chickcoreamusicworkshops.com/podcast/04-john-mayer/

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#68

Post by thirdsun »

AdieuToLogic wrote: post #33

One of the easiest metrics I've found to determine whether or not oneself is a good/great listener is to honestly assess: Am I busy thinking about what I'm going to say when I get a chance? The more the answer is "yes" the less listening a person is performing.

I don't think that's a very good metric. In fact easily coming up with follow up questions that already come to one's mind while listening is a strong indicator for an engaging conversation.

Or did you mean "being busy" as struggling to come up with anything worthwhile to say? Then I'd agree.

Re: What Great Listeners Actually Do

#69

Post by Okkef »

solipsism wrote: post #39
pizza wrote: post #35

The computational complexity varieties of listening: Let n be the number of things the other is talking about (tricky to define a "thing" but, whatever?, use a consistent thing metric) - O(1) listening: ignoring/may as well not be there - reading your phone while the other talks to you - O(n) listening: loading their information into your brain while they talk - e.g. repeating back to them, nodding to salient points…

The brain is massively parallel, your analysis seems to assume 0 parallelism.

Parallelism doesn't matter for big-O complexity
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