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Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

greatergood.berkeley.edu

41–50 of 160 posts

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#41
post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Okay. Let's take an example from the article. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Let's say John is this guy who is "transparent, honest, and authentic, and never waivering." And say Jack, John's friend, is addicted to playing Overwatch. John comes by and says, "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch. You are…

I'd take someone being completely honest with me 100% of time over someone who thinks one thing of me and tells me something else. The thing is, people act based on their beliefs the vast majority of the time. So to borrow your example, say the friend doesn't complain about his buddy playing Overwatch all the time. Do you think that he'll just wait around to see if he'll stop playing or do you think he'll start to ig…

There are roughly three stages in extra-personal development.

1. The Selfish : You tell people what they want to hear.

2. The Truthsayer : You tell people what they need to hear.

3. The Altruistic : You tell people what they need to hear when they are ready.

I am assuming John cares about Jack. If he still ignores Jack, then John is part of the Selfish. He is misled by just short-term benefits.

The Selfish and the Altruistic appear to do the same thing initially: not say anything nor interrupting during Overwatch. But they end differently. The Selfish ends his thought with just that moment. The Altruistic waits with intent to strike.

This is not a dichotomy between people who lie and are egotistical VERSUS people who are always honest. There is a third group of people who are both caring and more prudent with their tools. They are the Altruistic, those who wait to tell people exactly what they need to hear. And the Altruistic ultimately change people and society, because they understand people and society better.

They know how persuasion works. Truthsayers don't. In fairness, truthsayers die a lonely death, without having made meaningful change. Their audience was only themselves.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#42
post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people" aka reciprocal altruism. As I've aged, I've embraced transactional relationships. My metaphor is "playing catch". Toss the ball, hope your partner tosses it back. Repeat. The goal is to keep the game going. Some one doesn't throw the ball back, oh well, move on to next partner. Works remarkably well for children, lovers, coworkers, grocery store checkers, a…

...move on to next partner. Works remarkably well for children I'm curious how you actually follow through on that with children. It's hard to move on from them (without inflicting lifetime psychological trauma, anyway).

I don't think it means that he moves on from children but that among children they will move on to another friend.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#43

Hmm well I don't want to hear what a nightmare my colleagues lives are. I ask "How was the weekend" you say "Fine". I don't care that your house burned down. Yep I am a brit!

In the context of this article I believe the author would say you shouldn't ask because if you don't want to hear the answer you are not being honest/authentic.

On the flip side being honest doesn't mean having to detail everything good or bad in ones life, but if things really are not fine it means saying so. "I have been better actually, but it's a new week and I'm ready to turn the page."

You might actually learn a thing or two about someone that way!

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#44
post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people" aka reciprocal altruism. As I've aged, I've embraced transactional relationships. My metaphor is "playing catch". Toss the ball, hope your partner tosses it back. Repeat. The goal is to keep the game going. Some one doesn't throw the ball back, oh well, move on to next partner. Works remarkably well for children, lovers, coworkers, grocery store checkers, a…

...move on to next partner. Works remarkably well for children I'm curious how you actually follow through on that with children. It's hard to move on from them (without inflicting lifetime psychological trauma, anyway).

Well, ya. One's own children are a special case. Even so, they can test you (thinking of the house ape that moved back into my basement).

But universally, I try to meet everyone, especially children, where they're at. Children get a lot more chances to learn how to throw the ball back. And I always leave the door open.

TMI: one of the biggest surprise to me is connecting with nieces / nephews when they're much older, when we didn't particularly like each other earlier.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#45

Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand. Preachers of self-reliance seem to confuse "not letting other people affect you" and "not caring about other people". Self-reliance and people-pleasing are two separate axes on a Cartesian plane. You can be both self-reliant and people-pleasing. Being self-reliant, but not people-ple…

> Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand.

The article isn't about how to get paid, it's about achieving happiness.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

Okay. Let's take an example from the article. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Let's say John is this guy who is "transparent, honest, and authentic, and never waivering." And say Jack, John's friend, is addicted to playing Overwatch. John comes by and says, "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch. You are…

There may be extremes, but if you generalize that example it's exhausting. Making a bad decision in one area does not mean that Jack's stupider than Steve and won't know exactly what he's trying to do. Furthermore, is Steve actually listening? I ask because a lot of what people are doing here, if it's innovative, is regularly met with skepticism.

Understanding naysayers' concerns, and learning a ready answer if they ultimately don't seem valid can be a good use of time. Giving a whole lot of air time to someone who has a foregone conclusion that they think merits some transparent rhetorical game is not.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#47
Happiness Index is such a broad topic and everyone's needs so different that it's difficult to say with absoluteness that this is the way. Some people have a panache for social work, some have criminal tendencies, some like to please, some don't care. You can see success in happiness in each of these segments. I still concur with the general idea the authour is trying to convey.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#48
post #45

Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand. Preachers of self-reliance seem to confuse "not letting other people affect you" and "not caring about other people". Self-reliance and people-pleasing are two separate axes on a Cartesian plane. You can be both self-reliant and people-pleasing. Being self-reliant, but not people-ple…

> Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand. The article isn't about how to get paid, it's about achieving happiness.

Sigh. I know how to become happy. Getting paid is part of it.

For me, happiness comes from Effective Altruism, which comes from increasing the quality of life for as many people as possible, which is only possible with adequate amount of finances.

So get paid >> money >> help other people >> makes me happy.

Of course, if you aren't self-reliant, the above doesn't mean anything.

p.s. pleasing people also makes you happy, because you develop better relationships.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

Okay. Let's take an example from the article. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Let's say John is this guy who is "transparent, honest, and authentic, and never waivering." And say Jack, John's friend, is addicted to playing Overwatch. John comes by and says, "Jack, you shouldn't play Overwatch. You are…

Except in your example, John isn't being honest. He's being an asshole. Far too many people conflate the two.
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