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Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

greatergood.berkeley.edu

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Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#21

Post by webwanderings »

internaut wrote: post #13
divbit wrote: post #2

> Live with total integrity. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Words to live by

And yet the karma mechanism on HN and other social networking websites biases users into toeing the line of what is the 'general view'. The view of course changes considerably over time which shows it is mostly about mood or values. There has got to be a better regulation mechanism than '+1' and the received wisdom.

Thank you for speaking my mind. I have been saying this wherever I see these karma-mechanisms being employed (likes, hearts, click buttons). I have not seen any website disclose to explain what exactly these button-clicks do to help anyone? These are basically waste of time and useless. I would not have helped you a bit if I had just clicked the up arrow on your comment (nor would I have helped the HN owners with the same action). But I hope this comment of mine would give you some food for thoughts (or neuron activities). The problem is, platform like HN (and many others) do not have any technology in place to derive the real "value" out of single person's comment(s). Forget the aggregate subjective value, they don't even have anything objective to show either. So if I have millions of karma points, I am supposed to be better in value? And useless if I have zero or karma in negatives? According to whose criteria? That's a failure of social media in general. None of these Likes, Retweets, hearts, or whatever, helps anyone in any substantive manner. These scoring points values do not help anyone in any substantive manner.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#22

Post by melvinmt »

spiderfarmer wrote: post #8

Maybe Dutch directness is the reason why The Netherlands is consistently in the top 10 of the Happiness Index. http://www.iamexpat.nl/read-and-discuss/expat-page/articles/...

What people don't tell you is that directness also has a cost. The Dutch directness of "GTFO my country" what minorities are confronted with daily is not quite contributing to any minority's happiness (it's a big reason why I moved to the US).

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#23

Post by [deleted] »

benatkin wrote: post #19
avindroth wrote: post #11

Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand. Preachers of self-reliance seem to confuse "not letting other people affect you" and "not caring about other people". Self-reliance and people-pleasing are two separate axes on a Cartesian plane. You can be both self-reliant and people-pleasing. Being self-reliant, but not people-ple…

The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

[deleted]

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#24

Post by tdkl »

benatkin wrote: post #19
avindroth wrote: post #11

Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand. Preachers of self-reliance seem to confuse "not letting other people affect you" and "not caring about other people". Self-reliance and people-pleasing are two separate axes on a Cartesian plane. You can be both self-reliant and people-pleasing. Being self-reliant, but not people-ple…

The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

> People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

Indeed, it's passive-agressive behaviour rooted from low self-esteem. "I'll cater to you, so you'll return the favour", but when this isn't reciprocated (since the receiver isn't even aware of this "business transaction"), the giver is feeling anger (sadness).

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#25

Post by xiaoma »

avindroth wrote: post #18
Retric wrote: post #17

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Convincing people to buy stuff they don't need is very common road to wealth.

Give them what they want, not what they need. But many people would have a problem with the above statement. We want to give them what they need. So envelop what they need with what they want. Just like a Trojan horse, once your product is bought/used, they will eventually recognize the benefits of fulfilling their serious need.

Sell them what they want and give what they need.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#26

Post by avindroth »

runeks wrote: post #20
w1ntermute wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not at all. If you don't understand how to employ false smiles as needed, you won't get very far in life. This was one of the biggest mistakes I made when I was young. Once I learned how to stop being totally honest and how to be friendly to even those I didn't like, a lot of opportunities opened up that I would have never been exposed to otherwise. Simple example: I maintain friendships with people I don't genuinely…

> If you don't understand how to employ false smiles as needed, you won't get very far in life. How do we measure how far we've come in life? Relative to what is this distance measured?

This question is only asked by those who cannot measure how far they have come.

We all have our subjective distances. But if you are a human being, some combinations of the following will be that distance:

1. Sustenance (food, water, housing, money)

2. Community (belonging, love)

3, Self-expression

4. Self-transcendence (altruism)

This is a gross simplification of Maslow, but give me some slack. If you question every person saying "you won't get very far in life" with "how do you measure getting very far", you are not only annoying the other person, but also yourself. Spend that time trying to measure how far you have come.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#27

Post by cft »

It's amazing that this is what is now publicly funded "science" or "research". It would make a good moralistic story for 12 year olds in the 19th century, but now people like her get PhDs in this (likely publicly funded), from the same institution that awards PhDs in algebraic geometry or string theory!

https://www.christinecarter.com/about/dr-christine-carter-bi...

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#28

Post by specialist »

benatkin wrote: post #19
avindroth wrote: post #11

Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand. Preachers of self-reliance seem to confuse "not letting other people affect you" and "not caring about other people". Self-reliance and people-pleasing are two separate axes on a Cartesian plane. You can be both self-reliant and people-pleasing. Being self-reliant, but not people-ple…

The author defines people pleasing: > People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing isn't caring about other people. It's being selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people (often without realizing it). Quite the opposite.

"selfish and manipulative in interactions with other people"

aka reciprocal altruism.

As I've aged, I've embraced transactional relationships.

My metaphor is "playing catch". Toss the ball, hope your partner tosses it back. Repeat. The goal is to keep the game going.

Some one doesn't throw the ball back, oh well, move on to next partner.

Works remarkably well for children, lovers, coworkers, grocery store checkers, and every other relationship in my life.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#29

Post by antisthenes »

w1ntermute wrote: post #10
divbit wrote: post #2

> Live with total integrity. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. Words to live by

Not at all. If you don't understand how to employ false smiles as needed, you won't get very far in life. This was one of the biggest mistakes I made when I was young. Once I learned how to stop being totally honest and how to be friendly to even those I didn't like, a lot of opportunities opened up that I would have never been exposed to otherwise. Simple example: I maintain friendships with people I don't genuinely…

It's one of those "be yourself" types of advice.

It works if "yourself" has certain characteristics and doesn't work if the "yourself" doesn't or has other attributes, based on the context.

> Simple example: I maintain friendships with people I don't genuinely like primarily because they have wide social circles. Through those people, I've met individuals who I do genuinely like.

That's genuinely good advice. You don't have to like or please everyone in your social network. There's simply not enough time or effort, but it doesn't mean you can't have fruitful transactions with those people.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#30

Post by rwallace »

runeks wrote: post #20
w1ntermute wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not at all. If you don't understand how to employ false smiles as needed, you won't get very far in life. This was one of the biggest mistakes I made when I was young. Once I learned how to stop being totally honest and how to be friendly to even those I didn't like, a lot of opportunities opened up that I would have never been exposed to otherwise. Simple example: I maintain friendships with people I don't genuinely…

> If you don't understand how to employ false smiles as needed, you won't get very far in life. How do we measure how far we've come in life? Relative to what is this distance measured?

Neurotypical people often err in the direction of overvaluing social status (presumably because in the ancestral environment, it made a large contribution to evolutionary fitness in a way that it does not today).

If you find yourself smiling and nodding at the above, however, bear this in mind also: we geeks often err in the direction of undervaluing social status. If you haven't acquired basic skills in areas like networking and office politics, X effort invested there might do more for you than 10X effort invested in further honing your technical skills.

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