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Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

theatlantic.com

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Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#11

Post by elptacek »

This article is long and makes me want to throw something at Lori Gottlieb. Not that I'm advocating violence or would commit it... it's just written in that sort of smug, grating style that makes me browse away after the first 10 paragraphs. All she has done is rebranded the concept of "compromise" (important in all sorts of relationships) as "settling." Nothing new or fascinating, there.

The deconstruction is hilarious. Thanks for posting it. I read all of it.

The civil contract idea is intriguing and creepy at the same time. Part of me thinks, "...or just don't get married in the first place?" That the government is involved with what is, effectively, a religious sacrament, boggles me a little. But that's a whole 'nother discussion.

After 11.5 years (and yes, that .5 is important), I'm starting to feel like a veteran on marriage. Like Gottlieb, my perspective on what 'Mr Right' is has changed significantly. To wit, if I had advice to give to young women, it wouldn't be to "settle," but to find someone young, intelligent and not too hard to look at and train him.* By way of example, tptacek is currently in the kitchen making a chicken caesar salad.

* What this really means: grow together. It's difficult, but better than turning 40 and "settling."

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#12

Post by antauth »

Tichy wrote: post #4

Couldn't there be a third way: make demands less strict in society? I remember reading that women in Iceland are among the happiest on the planet, because they are not under so much strain to sustain a relationship forever. It is not frowned upon to break up. Women just move back with families and date again. Since > 50% of marriages seem to break anyway (if I remember correctly), maybe it would be better to approach…

I agree. There is too much emphasis on marriage in our society. At this point in my life, I'd rather have great friends than an okay romantic relationship.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#14

Post by thegoleffect »

elptacek wrote: post #11

This article is long and makes me want to throw something at Lori Gottlieb. Not that I'm advocating violence or would commit it... it's just written in that sort of smug, grating style that makes me browse away after the first 10 paragraphs. All she has done is rebranded the concept of "compromise" (important in all sorts of relationships) as "settling." Nothing new or fascinating, there. The deconstruction is hilari…

Yeah, when I read the article it sounded like this passive mindset. Why leave it to chance when you can train someone hehe! That, to me, is the right attitude.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#15

Post by wisty »

nfnaaron wrote: post #7
Tichy wrote: post #4

Couldn't there be a third way: make demands less strict in society? I remember reading that women in Iceland are among the happiest on the planet, because they are not under so much strain to sustain a relationship forever. It is not frowned upon to break up. Women just move back with families and date again. Since > 50% of marriages seem to break anyway (if I remember correctly), maybe it would be better to approach…

Someone in the marriage breakup industry told me that 75% of all second marriages fail. I think we should have five and ten year civil contracts, with options to renew. What you do religiously is your own business.

Some Muslim groups permit those marriages. I forget which.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#16

Post by rglullis »

andreyf wrote: post #6

Lori Gottlieb, in The Atlantic, writes "Marry Him!", and describes a problem so pervasive and urgent it's hard to imagine Obama hasn't cleared his desk: what's an "independent," "feminist," "heterosexual" 40-something "woman" with a sperm-donor child to do when she can't find a man to marry her? I found this analysis of the author much more interesting than the original article: http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/02…

This is just an analysis of the author, in no point it addresses the issue that she mentions. The "psych" just calls her ideas "dangerous" in the end, and sticks to an ad-hominem.

I'd like to read someone who can actually find a counter-argument to her thesis and convince me that the best thing women can do is to hold on to their ideal all the way to the end.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#18

Post by codexon »

pvg wrote: post #10

The Cosmo-ification of HN continues apace. Next week, esr's sex tips FAQ. I know someone will very earnestly explain to me how this is on topic but really, it isn't.

I personally don't find these types of articles interesting either, but the HN guidelines say this:

On-Topic: Anything that good hackers would find interesting. That includes more than hacking and startups.

So if this story has upvotes, I presume some "good hackers" here have found it interesting.

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#19

Post by [deleted] »

rglullis wrote: post #16
andreyf wrote: post #6

Lori Gottlieb, in The Atlantic, writes "Marry Him!", and describes a problem so pervasive and urgent it's hard to imagine Obama hasn't cleared his desk: what's an "independent," "feminist," "heterosexual" 40-something "woman" with a sperm-donor child to do when she can't find a man to marry her? I found this analysis of the author much more interesting than the original article: http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/02…

This is just an analysis of the author, in no point it addresses the issue that she mentions. The "psych" just calls her ideas "dangerous" in the end, and sticks to an ad-hominem. I'd like to read someone who can actually find a counter-argument to her thesis and convince me that the best thing women can do is to hold on to their ideal all the way to the end.

[deleted]

Re: Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough

#20

Post by Agile_Cyborg »

In the long run marriage should be a last resort. The vector from mama's vagina to the pine box may not be straight but it IS very short. Heaven is a fantasy so do your best to live peacefully and passionately.

Marriage contains a bit of wonder surrounded by pitfalls aplenty. It is best engaged in by the simplistic and rigid.

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