Sort of reminds me of that fake book from Numb3rs :P
The Science of Making Friends
161–170 of 235 posts
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#162WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…
What is the point of all that career advancement if you can't spend time with a social circle you care about?
It's a bit like that cartoon... humans sacrifice their health to make $$ and spend $$ to get it all back... humans wish they'd be older and then wish they'd be younger... etc.
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#163Earlier quoted context omitted.
Always looking for interesting intelligent people, check my profile out and see if you think I might be interesting
You have inspired me to fill in more profile information.
Don't forget contact info, which I just realized I neglected to insert in my own lol
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#164Re: The Science of Making Friends
#165Earlier quoted context omitted.
> I've been trying desperately for years to make some intellectually stimulating friendships, and it's quite difficult. It used to be easy, until Google killed the social aspect of Google Reader. I will forever remain bitter about this.
NewsBlur doesn't have as large of a community as Reader did, but it has similar social features and I find that comments are generally high-quality. I recommend checking it out if you haven't found a good replacement for Reader yet. (Suggested as someone who was similarly disappointed at the death of Reader. I tried a couple of alternatives but eventually settled on NewsBlur.)
NewsBlur is good, as are its community members, and I'm happy to be a paying customer. However, the difference in community size is certainly notable. Similarly, only three of my friends making the jump, out of two dozen. We practically never have discussions about anything again.
I think I'm their main source of social shares now, tbh.
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#166Earlier quoted context omitted.
That only explains half of the picture, though. The photograph in the linked article explains it quite well to me - regardless of how 'real' it is, there's a picture of a shiny gathering with the dresses and the shiny clothes and the fancy food, and so on. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love me some good dress-up and the food there looks super yum. But the simple gatherings seem to have disappeared. Outside o…
I find it tiresome that it becomes hard to just have friends over. Have to negotiate a time, clean the house, get food, and if you're going to a friend's house you're expected to "bring something", etc. Sigh.
My wife and I use it as an excuse to clean up. We try to keep an active social life, as-is, so the place is generally clean-ish. But during especially busy weeks (or minor sickness, or random bouts of laziness and existential despair), the place can really fall apart.
So one of us will look around in disgust, invite someone over for dinner or drinks or something, and then politely pop in on the other, like "hey honey... I just invited [so-an-so], and they'll be here in an hour".
Suddenly, within 20-30 minutes, the place is spotless.
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#167WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…
I have some anecdotal perspective to offer in regards to where we tend to hang out when we’re young (reasons vary for us aged folk). One of the big reasons we end up at parks, or bus stops, or 7-11 parking lots, or wherever as teenagers is because we generally don't have the financial or social independence to go anywhere else to enjoy ourselves without the "burden" of adults.
At 16, there aren't many places to go with other people your age to just hang out and socialize. You're too young for a bar. Restaurants are expensive. Malls are lame. Maybe a diner, but that's only 4-5 of you at a time, and you'll probably need to order something. And this can be a burden for a diner owner for taking up tables for the cost of 4 cups of coffee an hour.
Your parents can go to bars and restaurants and each others houses and socialize. But as a teenager, going to someone's house generally requires the permission of other adults, and so on, which isn’t something you can plan around independently. And in our teenage years, we're generally trying to figure out what this life thing is without the parental supervision. It's difficult to explore independence with our parents within earshot.
I saw a lot of this first-hand, even beyond my immediate peers, as a DJ throughout my teenage years. When my peers were looking to hang out, they came to me for options. If I couldn't provide directly, I would generally know who could. It was usually someone's house / apartment whose parents worked 16-20 hours per day (like my mother). My own friends and I would try to rent places out to throw gatherings, and we never had trouble finding people to fill the room.
This was all about socializing and having a place to go. We needed these places to go without the pressures of our home lives and adults therein. And when we couldn't find a place, we resorted to waterfronts, parks, street corners, etc. Wherever we could find to just be ourselves with our peers.
In college, for the first time for many, we have our own places: our dorms. Add to that more responsibility (for most), and a lack of income (for most), and what better place to hang out with your peers than hopping from dorm-to-dorm? Why go to a park or hang around at a bus stop when you can go one floor down to another dorm? You’re no longer required to go out into the cold to socialize with your peers.
In adulthood, there are plenty of places to go, though most of them cost money. So in early adulthood, we enjoy our freedom to go anywhere and just "be". So it's bars, and restaurants, and wherever. We spend what little we make enjoying the newfound freedom to go anywhere. Sure, we _can_ go to the park, be we don't _have_ to go to the park. We can afford to go somewhere else and enjoy each-other's company, much unlike the previous decade.
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#168Earlier quoted context omitted.
Interesting! I have met some amazingly awesome people in London who I would totally hang out with if I lived there. But they are musicians, not doctors/lawyers/engineers. When I think about it more, most of my good friends come from my musical circles, not my engineering/technical ones. If I didn't have those musical circles, I wonder if I would be nearly as social. > It's not necessary to qualify comments like this.…
> When I think about it more, most of my good friends come from my musical circles, not my engineering/technical ones Weird, I've had similar luck. My best friends in high school were all music buddies, and I felt closer to them than any of my friends (both technical or otherwise) I've made since then. Makes me want to move somewhere with a better music scene!
Yup, I made more friends in one year as a music major than the following four as a computer science major :)
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#169It's very beneficial in society to have lots of friends and know lots of people. Unfortunately the default mode of making friends is very extroverted and thus the usual advice is as well. Just chat up someone...that is not something that a decent chunk of the population is comfortable with.
I haven't read the science but I'm a bit skeptical about the claims. As an introvert I'm often uncomfortable in mid-size+ social gatherings and need to recharge afterwards (with a good book for example). The article claims health benefits form having friends and seems to imply that making more friends is the way to go. I very much prefer deepening existing friendships. Being around very good friends is sometimes exhausting as well. I'd be very interested if the claimed health benefits have been tested on groups that were split into intorverted/extroverted. I often feel like these "self help by making more friends" articles are very biased towards the extroverted mode of living.
Re: The Science of Making Friends
#170Earlier quoted context omitted.
That only explains half of the picture, though. The photograph in the linked article explains it quite well to me - regardless of how 'real' it is, there's a picture of a shiny gathering with the dresses and the shiny clothes and the fancy food, and so on. And there's nothing wrong with that. I love me some good dress-up and the food there looks super yum. But the simple gatherings seem to have disappeared. Outside o…
So, the answer to that is very much "yes", but you have to make trade-offs in your life that show you value it. In order to have impromptu visits that fill up the empty spaces in your life, you first need to have empty spaces in your life. That is largely incompatible with filling every moment of your life with work or career advancement. That group of my high-school friends who are now largely janitors, retail clerk…
> What does matter is making a decision that friendships and relationships are important to you, and seeking out other people who have also made that decision.
That is a necessary but not sufficient condition.
I have plenty of time to make friends, but wouldn't be able to make any. Especially as you get older, it gets nearly impossible to approach people. At this point I'm down to a single nearby friend.