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The Science of Making Friends

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Re: The Science of Making Friends

#151

Post by iamnothere »

vanderZwan wrote: post #25
hodwik wrote: post #4

> "People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves intellectually stimulated without a lot of social interaction, and often have a long-term goal they are pursuing." Therein lies the rub. Having friends makes you happier, as long as your friends are intellectually stimulating. I've been trying desperately for years to make some…

> I've been trying desperately for years to make some intellectually stimulating friendships, and it's quite difficult. It used to be easy, until Google killed the social aspect of Google Reader. I will forever remain bitter about this.

NewsBlur doesn't have as large of a community as Reader did, but it has similar social features and I find that comments are generally high-quality. I recommend checking it out if you haven't found a good replacement for Reader yet.

(Suggested as someone who was similarly disappointed at the death of Reader. I tried a couple of alternatives but eventually settled on NewsBlur.)

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#152

Post by quietplatypus »

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

That may be true, but I've found that I grew up making mostly the wrong friends, each of whom was more irritating, status obsessed, narcissitic, etc as life went on. Only like 2 people made it through the filter, and I'm making healthier friends these days, but I say the ease of disconnection in modern society is a blessing, not a curse. Shitty people get left alone? Fine with me lol.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#153

Post by quietplatypus »

narag wrote: post #107
stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. My experience is not like that at all. On the contrary, people I know became less and less concerned with keeping an extended social circle and retreated to family. This retreat in many cases has a lot to do with the r…

I would not be surprised if most friendships resulted from pressure to fit in. It's healthy to let those types of people go.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#154

Post by notduncansmith »

stegosaurus wrote: post #126
nostrademons wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So, the answer to that is very much "yes", but you have to make trade-offs in your life that show you value it. In order to have impromptu visits that fill up the empty spaces in your life, you first need to have empty spaces in your life. That is largely incompatible with filling every moment of your life with work or career advancement. That group of my high-school friends who are now largely janitors, retail clerk…

I think you're absolutely spot on with this. I'm going through a period of change in my personal life at the moment, and I'm definitely going to keep this in mind, so thank you. One thing I would take issue with is conflating an app with societal change, though. The latter is much much harder. I think that in developed countries we have lost our way a bit. Work-life balance, to me, would mean that I work hard, and pl…

Doesn't basic income take care of that? The idea being that once companies have to compete with the entire world (as opposed to a few other companies) for your time and attention, flexible hours (and many other changes to the relationship between employees and companies) will become the default.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#155

Post by quietplatypus »

u_me_him wrote: post #54
zappo2938 wrote: post #37

I worked on a boat in the middle of the ocean for many years. I've been grounded for the last few years and tried to make friends. The experiment has been a massive waste of time and energy. I did so much for so many people trying to be nice and helpful and got so little in return. From an economic point of view, I'm completely self reliant and don't need anything from anyone else. I invested so much in other people…

You are probably choosing the wrong people to be friends with. And yeah, doing things for people doesn't work in the same way that being the errant boy for the girl you liked in elementary or high school didn't work either.

Yeah pretty much this. Even though it seems OK from an "objective" standpoint to lend your aid when it seems obvious that you can do it and it is not too much cost to you, this doesn't really work in the making friends dept. Yes there are maybe 5% of people who will catch on to what you are doing and click but that is not good odds.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#156

Post by quietplatypus »

danieltillett wrote: post #140
mistersquid wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So there is something called The Ben Franklin effect, [0] which basically says that people are more likely to befriend/like you if you ask them to do you a big favor rather than the other way around. The psychological explanation is that people will smooth the cognitive dissonance between their indifference and/or antipathy to you and the fact that they have actually done a favor for you by revising their opinion of…

I always wondered what this effect is called. It works amazingly well. You need to be aware of the related effect which is helping someone when they can't return the favor is an very effective way to create an enemy. The cognitive dissonance created by a favor that can't be paid back is resolved by revising their opinion of you in the negative.

That's an excellent point. I had heard of the Ben Franklin effect, but not this. Yeah when I try to give my help to most people, they get resentful.

Am I special/broken in that if someone does a favor for me with the implication I don't pay them back, my opinion of them goes up? Perhaps I'm just not used to the phenomenon lol...

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#157

Post by skybrian »

iamnothere wrote: post #151
vanderZwan wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I've been trying desperately for years to make some intellectually stimulating friendships, and it's quite difficult. It used to be easy, until Google killed the social aspect of Google Reader. I will forever remain bitter about this.

NewsBlur doesn't have as large of a community as Reader did, but it has similar social features and I find that comments are generally high-quality. I recommend checking it out if you haven't found a good replacement for Reader yet. (Suggested as someone who was similarly disappointed at the death of Reader. I tried a couple of alternatives but eventually settled on NewsBlur.)

I use NewBlur but never tried the social features. How does this community work for you?

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#158

Post by vt240 »

wskinner wrote: post #55

One point missed by this article (but mentioned by another commenter) is that it's not enough to just want more friends. It's not even enough to meet another person who also wants friends. What keeps friends together is perceived mutual exchange of value - it sounds callous, but I challenge anyone to describe a friendship that lasted where either party believed they derived no value. Our lizard brains aggressively pr…

I've always imagined relationships as a reciprocity index which sounds similar to what you are describing here.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#159

Post by abraca »

I have the opposite problem to most people, of having too many friends. And the number is ever-growing. Wherever I go - job, hobby, school - I pick up more friends. It's wonderful in that I am never lonely and I feel very loved. It is difficult though too because I sometimes feel overwhelmed and that I am not able to be a good friend myself. I have so many invitations, emails, texts etc that I can't keep up. I adore the majority of my friends - but it is quite difficult to extricate myself from a few friendships I have that are draining.

I've been thinking recently about why I am this way...and I believe it is down to 1) listening carefully to what people have to say, 2) being happy and calm, it is just my nature, I am quiet but I am always looking for something to laugh about. I like to crack little jokes and I appreciate humor in every situation, 3) being un-judgmental and kind.

Anyway i'm not sure what my point really is, except that you CAN make friends as you get older! It is not all doom and gloom :)

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