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The Science of Making Friends

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Re: The Science of Making Friends

#101

Post by blablablame »

navait wrote: post #3

I've certainly found myself in the difficult position of having moved to a place where I know nobody. I read "How to win friends and influence people", hoping I could learn how to make better friends with it. It's easy to go to meetups and make shallow connections with small talk, but getting people to talk to me is like pulling teeth, a lot of single sentence reponses and no attempt to further the conversation.

Do you do any sports? Tennis/golf clubs are great for meeting people. Gyms as well. You can't expect to have a new bff in 2 days, but you will meet people from all walks of life and maybe it will click with one or two.

As for the talking part, I think people need to be good listeners, but at start, people need to be great storytellers. If you have a story or two about you/something, that is funny and you can intrigue people, you can be sure folks will stick around...

'Regarding the recent crime wave, when I was a teenager and I went camping with some friends and we noticed we ran out of toilet paper while one of us was on the can... not having a lot of options, we had to resort to crime... we went around trailers..... etc'

Seems harmless enough, but its a story I tell a lot with a bit more details and pauses, takes about 5 minutes, makes people laugh (we were caught stealing the Toilet paper) and opens up folks.

If you have a few funny real stories to tell, you will always find engagement from folks much nicer than 'ohh so what do you do? any kids? etc' that most people end up doing

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#102

Post by encoderer »

jsmthrowaway wrote: post #88
stegosaurus wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Christ, in some ways, this thread makes me want to just like, teleport some people from HN into the local park with some beers. I think we'd have a great time. No vi vs emacs, mind.

I know most here aren't a fan of the site, but Reddit does this and the meetups are a blast. They're usually geographic or interest-oriented, but there are some bigger ones that inspire travel. You do get the negative you'd expect, but that's the Web in general. Don't go just to get laid (you won't), treat people with respect and it's great. I suspect there would be different problems with this audience, but all mana…

I think reddit bashers just haven't spent enough time on Reddit. I only read Reddit as a lurker but I have been time and again just delighted at the fractal of subreddits. No matter your curiosity, kink or quirk, there's a small community there for it.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#103

Post by [deleted] »

baron816 wrote: post #65
stonecraftwolf wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I thought this was a cool idea, and so I just signed up, but I was so alarmed by the process that I made an HN account to address this here. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but you drop people into randomly assigned groups of people who live within a certain distance without giving the user a chance to screen that group for people they already may know and need to avoid? This is such an obvious potential problem that…

Thank you for very much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. Yes, Krewe does drop you into a group as soon as you sign up and you don't get to see who's in it. Keep in mind that we never give ANYONE your location or email address. You also have the choice to leave the group right away and join a new group and you have the ability to vote people out of a group. But I strongly believe the platform simply won't wo…

[deleted]

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#104

Post by ChuckMcM »

There used to be a place in the Bay Area called "a clean well lighted place for books" which was a book store (of course) but it was also a pretty decent place to hang out. Of course talking and reading were fun (sort of a library without the librarian shhing you all the time) but I always wanted to create "A clean well lighted place to hack." which was more tech oriented.

Of course you would need something to hack on and I figured a wall of various embedded systems connected together in various ways so that you would have write code on the outer ones to talk to the inner ones etc.

What we got though were maker spaces, which when they work have a pretty cool vibe but sometimes it's like hanging out with a bunch of ghosts or something. All going about their business, not joining in or starting conversations etc. That was why I thought an ice breaker type activity like the wall of systems would be an interesting idea. Sort of like putting a puzzle out on the table at a dinner party. A safe reason to be hanging out.

Some day I keep thinking I'll build something like that.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#105

Post by baron816 »

stonecraftwolf wrote: post #93
baron816 wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for very much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. Yes, Krewe does drop you into a group as soon as you sign up and you don't get to see who's in it. Keep in mind that we never give ANYONE your location or email address. You also have the choice to leave the group right away and join a new group and you have the ability to vote people out of a group. But I strongly believe the platform simply won't wo…

"Picking and choosing" is not remotely the same thing as "screening," and that you conflate the two indicates that you either didn't read my comment in good faith or you missed the point by an almost insurmountable margin. I'd urge you to listen to the needs of your users. You managed to dismiss this out of hand in a way that implies you haven't thought much about women at all. Obviously you don't have to, and you wo…

Please trust that I did read your comment carefully, agree with the issues you raised, and am working to resolve them.

I sent you an email, with an apology, and my plan to fix the problem. I want all my users to feel completely comfortable and safe using the platform, and will respond swiftly to any issues raised. I believe there are certain unfortunate risks that people, and women especially, must deal with in this day in age. I will do whatever possible to minimize those risks on Krewe, but I don't know if they can be completely elimated.

Edit: Response to stonecraftwolf's edit:

I don't know what else to tell you. I've apologized. I've said that I agree with you and your point is valid. I've said that I understand the danger you're referring to and why people would want to avoid being in a group with certain people. I've said that I'm working on a fix. If there's something more I can do, then I'll do it because I want this to work for you and for anyone.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#106

Post by urs2102 »

jfim wrote: post #72
stegosaurus wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Christ, in some ways, this thread makes me want to just like, teleport some people from HN into the local park with some beers. I think we'd have a great time. No vi vs emacs, mind.

It's definitely doable. Anyone in SF wants to meet in the golden gate park today around 3pm? Edit: Since this got a few upvotes but not many replies, feel free to come at 37°46'08.4"N 122°29'08.8"W ( https://goo.gl/maps/Vvyctgz4CAQ2 ). Will have a Linkedin tshirt/backpack.

Not in SF, but this is awesome. Hope it's fun!

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#107

Post by narag »

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because.

My experience is not like that at all. On the contrary, people I know became less and less concerned with keeping an extended social circle and retreated to family.

This retreat in many cases has a lot to do with the refusal to put up with other's annoying behaviour. Family is no peace oasis either, but it's more difficult to defect from it :)

I return to my hometown for holidays and see this effect every year. There are still big groups of acquitances, but they're more homogeneus than what they used to be. I believe there's a big pressure when you're young to have a lot of friends and to fit in. When older we become grumpier and less tolerant of neighbour's faults.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#108

Post by fmela »

jboggan wrote: post #85
stegosaurus wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Christ, in some ways, this thread makes me want to just like, teleport some people from HN into the local park with some beers. I think we'd have a great time. No vi vs emacs, mind.

Anyone around "Silicon Beach" come down to Original Muscle Beach in Santa Monica, we'll be down there swinging on the rings and monkey bars all day. Come make friends.

Sounds fun! I'll have to join next time.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#109

Post by Nimitz14 »

stonecraftwolf wrote: post #93
baron816 wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for very much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. Yes, Krewe does drop you into a group as soon as you sign up and you don't get to see who's in it. Keep in mind that we never give ANYONE your location or email address. You also have the choice to leave the group right away and join a new group and you have the ability to vote people out of a group. But I strongly believe the platform simply won't wo…

"Picking and choosing" is not remotely the same thing as "screening," and that you conflate the two indicates that you either didn't read my comment in good faith or you missed the point by an almost insurmountable margin. I'd urge you to listen to the needs of your users. You managed to dismiss this out of hand in a way that implies you haven't thought much about women at all. Obviously you don't have to, and you wo…

I think he's got a good point. In what circumstance is 'screening' or 'Picking and choosing' in the context of his app not the same thing? What you propose would completely destroy his app for the reasons he already mentioned in his post. Have you not read his comment in good faith?

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#110

Post by GrinningFool »

zafka wrote: post #7
hodwik wrote: post #4

> "People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves intellectually stimulated without a lot of social interaction, and often have a long-term goal they are pursuing." Therein lies the rub. Having friends makes you happier, as long as your friends are intellectually stimulating. I've been trying desperately for years to make some…

To start with, Put contact info in your hacker news profile. Then when you say interesting things, folks who are a bit more shy can contact you directly. Also reach out to those who interest you. Who knows, some of these brilliant generalists might have time to chat.

Such a simple thing, yet it hadn't occurred to me. Thanks for mentioning it.
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