Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

backchannel.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

61–70 of 256 posts

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#61

Post by throwaway39578 »

cplease wrote: post #33
sandworm101 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They are not that expensive. She know the guy. No investigation is needed. A lawyer won't charge much to put a scary demand letter together, maybe a couple hundred at most but probably much less in such a situation. Going to a lawyer first, before the police, could also have softened much of that horrific experience. Going to the police WITH your lawyer also makes a real difference. It will at least get you past the…

Or just telling him directly to stop himself. Maybe she did, but she didn't say she did. "Don't message me SO MUCH or I will BLOCK YOU" isn't quite the same thing as DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN. A gentleman would get the hint, but a gentleman wouldn't be such a creepy asshole to begin with. You don't legally have the right to dictate to someone how they talk to you. You do legally have the right to cut off all contact wit…

"Don't message me SO MUCH or I will BLOCK YOU" sounds exactly like "I told my cyber stalker that if he didn't ease up on how much he was messaging me - my phone was beeping multiple times per day, bothering me at all hours - he could forget about breakfast in the morning from here on out - the next time he showed up at my apartment, I'd send him home with the night bus as soon as we were done having sex." (not a quote, I'm making fun here.)

Like, seriously. They're still facebook friends through all this?

The woman in the article says "When I got a Facebook account in 2006 he found me again and, not wanting to be rude, I accepted his friend request. He often sent me rambling accounts of his day-to-day life. I usually didn’t respond, but sometimes I messaged back if I was bored or lonely."

Oh really? Sometimes you messaged back if you were bored or lonely?

This is how you end up in a happy marriage with the guy twenty years later after you've finished your studies and want to start settling down.

The guy's behavior is COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE and there is ZERO excuse for ANY of what is described.

At the same time, he's not a stalker until she unequivocally tells him that she would not like any further contact and asking him to move on. I cannot believe that she is a writer, yet this bad at communication.

What is so hard about saying, "I don't want this. Leave me alone." Jesus H. Christ. I hope I never, ever have anything to do with a woman like this one, because who knows if she really consented when I make out with her in my or her bedroom?

Does she have an inability to open her mouth and communicate what is going on? Jesus.

All that said, (I only glanced through the article) the guy's behavior completely surpasses anything even remotely justifiable. He's in the wrong. She's in the wrong for not telling him.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#62

Post by azernik »

nostrebored wrote: post #40
pervycreeper wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world Without commenting on whether this is a fair assessment, I will observe that in order to make this case for this to be true, more evidence than a single (fictional) anecdote would be necessary, and one would also want to accurately assess whether non-women are also expect…

Strong username for this reply. If you don't think women are socialized to be accommodating you have your head in the sand. Look at profession choices, look at the plethora of anecdotal stories, and look at how parents interact with their daughters.

And, you know, the multitude of peer-reviewed studies on the effects of this conditioning (causation is harder to measure, of course).

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#63

Post by jsmthrowaway »

cplease wrote: post #30

Okay, so this creep's behavior pretty clearly rises to the level of harassment at a minimum. But legally the FIRST thing to do with a stalker or harasser is to TELL them unequivocally that you want NO further contact. Preferably document in writing; in New York, you can record conversations that you are party to. At this point further unwanted contact becomes more clearly a criminal matter. Too often, those on the re…

> in New York, you can record conversations that you are party to.

In case people get ideas from this and are unaware, California and several other states are the "other" ones that forbid this without consent from both parties in certain circumstances. Yes, even recording your stalker could get you prosecuted. Yes, it has happened. Yes, it is stupid. Yes, it even affects reporters to an extent.

IANAL, consult yours. You may also find the reference material I consulted on this while working in journalism useful: http://www.rcfp.org/reporters-recording-guide

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#64

Post by btilly »

Yeah, it sucks, but no surprise. Stalking is an old, old problem. And the police won't do anything until it turns violent. You can stalk normal people, movie stars, business people - pretty much anyone other than a psychiatrist. (It turns out that psychiatrists have a really easy time getting their stalkers committed to insane asylums.)

I know a woman who owns nothing in her own name, changes her phone number frequently, and whose own family often does not know how to reach her. All to make it harder for her stalker to keep tracking her down. When she acquired the stalker she was high profile so the FBI actually did send someone to give her advice. The advice was basically that she was screwed, how to best hide, and to get trained guard dogs.

I wish I was joking.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#65

Post by dbcurtis »

chris_wot wrote: post #42
NeutronBoy wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Both Reddit and 4chan have demonstrated exceptionally well why this is a terrible idea.

I shouldn't do this, but I will. In the specific case mentioned here, where state and Federal law enforcement won't take charge, why shouldn't she find a professional investigator to confirm who the perpetrator is, then use the same tactics he has used against her against him? After all, law enforcement refuse to take action right? So it appears that law enforcement wouldn't care if she ensured that he is kept out of…

I'm not sure an investigator is the most productive course. If it was me, I'd start with a Cease and Desist letter from a lawyer. Cost: about 2 billable hours. If that fails, since there is, in fact, a law being broken, and now the creeper has ignored a C&D, get a court order. No need to involve police, they can continue writing speeding tickets and tending to other urgent matters. If the creeper ignores the court order, then see if you can get a bench warrant issued. Although, in this case, it sounds like the person is mentally ill -- what you can do about that varies greatly from state to state.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#66

Post by [deleted] »

cplease wrote: post #33
sandworm101 wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They are not that expensive. She know the guy. No investigation is needed. A lawyer won't charge much to put a scary demand letter together, maybe a couple hundred at most but probably much less in such a situation. Going to a lawyer first, before the police, could also have softened much of that horrific experience. Going to the police WITH your lawyer also makes a real difference. It will at least get you past the…

Or just telling him directly to stop himself. Maybe she did, but she didn't say she did. "Don't message me SO MUCH or I will BLOCK YOU" isn't quite the same thing as DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN. A gentleman would get the hint, but a gentleman wouldn't be such a creepy asshole to begin with. You don't legally have the right to dictate to someone how they talk to you. You do legally have the right to cut off all contact wit…

[deleted]

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#67

Post by dsfyu404ed »

cgriswald wrote: post #29
shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

I've found they also have an amazing ability to make excuses for the behaviors of others. I had an ex who got into a lot of sketchy situations because she refused to believe people were exactly who they were telling her they were. Guys would do inappropriate things that clearly bothered her, but she would claim they were "joking" or believe she misunderstood, etc. etc. So she wouldn't set any boundaries, and of cours…

That ability to rationalize bad excuses you just described is an interstate highway with four lanes in each direction.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#68

Post by towlejunior »

nostrebored wrote: post #55
towlejunior wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> look at the plethora of anecdotal stories Early frontrunner, Least Persuasive Rhetoric of the Year

When you ignore that nearly the entirety of the experiences that people share you're probably filtering out signal. But knowing HN some people won't be satisfied until we do a double blind study over the entirety of someone's life until they're an adult. Ooh and don't forget n must be ge 1000

All well and good. No one will read "look at the plethora of anecdotal stories" and think, "Oh, now I see."

It's a bit like saying, "There are convincing things out there. I don't have time to get into it, but the point is, you're wrong. Please accept this."

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#69

Post by rifung »

st3v3r wrote: post #56
jkern wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's a pretty disturbing concept of justice

Why? This guy has, time and again, harassed this person after being asked to stop. He has shown that he does not care to follow the rules of civilized society.

> He has shown that he does not care to follow the rules of civilized society.

I think it's much more likely he's mentally ill and doesn't understand them.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#70

Post by dsfyu404ed »

So this woman is unlucky enough to both be the target of a persistent stalker and persistent stalker who manages to stay withing the letter of the law while being incredibly annoying. Big deal, people get struck with lightening and bitten by sharks from time to time too. She just happens to be able to write about her bad luck in a particular corner of the internet that gets more than nil for traffic.

Sure it probably freaks her out a lot (and rightfully so) but did she really expect any authority to be able to take action on that basis. Think of the kinds of shit that would hit the fan if "distasteful behavior that freaks others out" was enough to get someone arrested (and all the life ruining things that go with it).

Post reply on HN