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She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

nautil.us

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Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#21

Post by rtl49 »

I've read a few comments deriding the complexity of this analysis. However, I think it is worth identifying it as a fact that, noticed or not, there is something of a power struggle in the early stages of the human courtship ritual.

Here, this issue is that of availability. Given that it is sometimes difficult to gauge the desirability of a prospective partner, one metric is how eager they seem to be. If the other replies quickly, this is an indication that they are quite eager, which suggests that they have few encounters, and that therefore few have evaluated this person as attractive. On the contrary, a bit of a lapse before a response suggests that the other feels a bit of indifference toward you, and that therefore the person is likely to have more encounters, and therefore is considered more attractive.

You can be forgiven for wishing for more simplicity, given that relationships in most media are depicted rather one-dimensionally, as the result of unambiguous and mutual attraction. This is not how it tends to work in the real world.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#22

Post by pm90 »

There were many things wrong with how Aziz approached the situation. Firstly, he should NOT have invited her to a big concert right away: concerts/events are a big commitment, time and attention-wise. If he had just met the person, the best thing to do would probably have been to meet for coffee/drinks, get to know each other better and THEN propose going to the concert IN PERSON.

Secondly, there are a lot of factors why people will not text you back. Aziz is basically trying to understand why a girl he hooked up with did not text him back. There can be SO many reasons why; but primarily, she was just not that into him. If she was, then she WOULD have found time. She WOULD have found his attempt to find common ground, to find something they both liked, charming.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#23

Post by greggman »

rtl49 wrote: post #15

Why wouldn't one just call and avoid all this nonsense? It doesn't eliminate the wiles and ways by which we seek to gain the upper hand in a sapling relationship, but it does introduce a touch of humanity into the exchange which, in addition to being consoling, reduces wasted time and useless stress. A call is an unambiguous yet still unstated expression of continued interest. Is the other party still interested? If…

You are probably right but in general ever since texting became a thing I neve call anyone anymore until after I've texted. I don't mean dates I mean everyone. I know this is not objective, I grew up without texts and used to call people all the time. Now though it just seems rude. I might be interrupting, they might be busy, it might be the worst possible time to call, maybe they're driving, maybe they're in a movie and forgot to turn off their phone. With that kind of thinking in my head it feels rude. I first text, ask if it's a good time to call, call.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#24

Post by gelraen »

golemotron wrote: post #20
gelraen wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Attraction sometimes is not a matter of choice, but actions are. You can decide to continue communication with someone or not. You're not a slave of your attraction.

Sometimes it's nice to be, right?

Nope. Attraction is a nice thing to feel, but it's generally more satisfying if you act on it with conscious choice and not feel "forced" to do something just because you feel a certain way.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#25

Post by rtl49 »

alias240 wrote: post #8

My strategy when I meet a girl I like is to exchange numbers, but have no intention of contacting them. The girl always has to contact the guy first. It's just how it works.

Trust me, this is not true. Initiating contact is not only acceptable, but quite often preferred. Generally this approach is just protecting your self-esteem.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#26

Post by ska »

DocG wrote: post #16
alias240 wrote: post #8

My strategy when I meet a girl I like is to exchange numbers, but have no intention of contacting them. The girl always has to contact the guy first. It's just how it works.

>The girl always has to contact the guy first. It's just how it works That seems a bit childish.

That's because it is. Most people grow out of this sort of thing, eventually.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#27

Post by rtl49 »

greggman wrote: post #23
rtl49 wrote: post #15

Why wouldn't one just call and avoid all this nonsense? It doesn't eliminate the wiles and ways by which we seek to gain the upper hand in a sapling relationship, but it does introduce a touch of humanity into the exchange which, in addition to being consoling, reduces wasted time and useless stress. A call is an unambiguous yet still unstated expression of continued interest. Is the other party still interested? If…

You are probably right but in general ever since texting became a thing I neve call anyone anymore until after I've texted. I don't mean dates I mean everyone. I know this is not objective, I grew up without texts and used to call people all the time. Now though it just seems rude. I might be interrupting, they might be busy, it might be the worst possible time to call, maybe they're driving, maybe they're in a movie…

I think this approach would reduce one's probability of a successful outcome. It may actually be preferable that the call be somewhat unexpected, because receiving a call, particularly at this point in history, is a bit disarming.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#28

Post by benten10 »

...my strategy on the other hand, is to drag one conversation over days/weeks, with several hours/days of (not intentional) gaps in between, and act as if it's a single ongoing unbroken conversation.

Not the optimal strategy, but I'm amazed that a ball of grains, dairy and fruits managed to get that for anyway, so everything is a win.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#29

Post by stuxnet79 »

rtl49 wrote: post #21

I've read a few comments deriding the complexity of this analysis. However, I think it is worth identifying it as a fact that, noticed or not, there is something of a power struggle in the early stages of the human courtship ritual. Here, this issue is that of availability. Given that it is sometimes difficult to gauge the desirability of a prospective partner, one metric is how eager they seem to be. If the other re…

I used to respond immediately because I'm not a fan of playing games but now I never do, mostly because nobody else does it either. But that is only when I text. I NEVER text these days. I'd rather call. I'm impatient and I'd rather have a short quick conversation than one uncomfortable one that stretches over days.

You can easily spot the fakers from the ones who are actually unavailable though. My ex before we broke up used to take days and days to respond but she was unemployed and had nothing going in her life, whereas I had super busy professors in big labs who for some reason respected my time enough to get back to me within 24 hours or 48 hours at most.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#30

Post by stuxnet79 »

kweks wrote: post #12

Is it only me that finds this type of obsessive-compulsive over-thinking somewhat bizarre; yet the author is trying to pass it off as the norm. Perhaps it's the author's fretful nature and over analysis that drives women away? I've found the following 'tactics' have worked quite well: - If you want to send a message, send a message. - If they don't reply, they're busy, or they don't want to speak with you. How is it…

It is complicated because anecdotally I've found that if I respond to a woman's texts immediately, their interest drops dramatically regardless of how attracted to me they may have been in the first place. They say we should strive to "be ourselves" but me being punished for respecting another person's time makes me a bit cynical. Nowadays I make sure I wait 30 minutes minimum to respond to a text if I don't know you, and if I do respond it will be to ask you when is the best time to call. I hate texting - it is a weird and unnatural form of communication. By talking to you I can judge very quickly whether you are worth the effort.
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