Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

washingtonpost.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

61–70 of 197 posts

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#61

Post by lemmsjid »

supercanuck wrote: post #14

You know what. Those parents got those kids into Stanford. Obviously helicopter parenting is working for them. 90% of the decisions people make are based on the environments they are in. Today's environment is extremely competitive and the margin for error is lower. Nobody wants to be the parent of the most mentally stable Starbucks Barista... Get them into Stanford, then they have the rest of their life to "fail"

As a parent, I would a thousand times rather my child be a mentally stable barista than a questionably stable Stanford student. In fact, having recently interacted with the Standard undergraduate body, I feel quite sorry for most of them because it's such a terrible pressure cooker stress environment. My primary goal for my child is for her to be a whole person. If she can do that at Stanford, fine. If she can do that at Starbucks, fine. Instead of helicoptering her into an Ivy League depression, I'm focusing on making sure we're financially stable enough to be a cushion for the inevitable times when she fails while trying to find her own way in life.

I say this from experience, coming from a family where ivy league tier educations are normal--and so is depression.

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#62

Post by bhouston »

I would like to see objective numbers. I know it feels good to think that individuals who make it into Ivy League because of helicopter parents are somehow undeserving or damaged or whatever.

But I am pretty sure that getting into an Ivy League leads to statistically better live time earnings and more career success (in part because of the connections.)

I would like to see some objective numbers rather than a story that resonates because it jives with how we want to feel about those with success.

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#63

Post by thewarrior »

supercanuck wrote: post #14

You know what. Those parents got those kids into Stanford. Obviously helicopter parenting is working for them. 90% of the decisions people make are based on the environments they are in. Today's environment is extremely competitive and the margin for error is lower. Nobody wants to be the parent of the most mentally stable Starbucks Barista... Get them into Stanford, then they have the rest of their life to "fail"

I'm always wary of upvoting a comment like this , but being from India and experiencing the difference getting into a good college makes , he has a point.

Ofcourse it's not a stark choice between getting into a Stanford and serving coffee at Starbucks but still . And I can't digest the snobbery in saying that a Starbucks worker is devoid of any dignity . But the comment still somehow resonates with me.

Perhaps it's a reflection of my own inferiority complex of not being able to study at an elite institution. It's a little hard to get over such feelings.

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#64

Post by ryandrake »

supercanuck wrote: post #14

You know what. Those parents got those kids into Stanford. Obviously helicopter parenting is working for them. 90% of the decisions people make are based on the environments they are in. Today's environment is extremely competitive and the margin for error is lower. Nobody wants to be the parent of the most mentally stable Starbucks Barista... Get them into Stanford, then they have the rest of their life to "fail"

Exactly. Our society is quickly bifurcating into haves and have-nots, and the middle class is disappearing. If the trend continues, by the time my daughter is college-aged, middle class lifestyles will be all but gone. Her only shot at not living in poverty will be an education, although already we're seeing a good education does not guarantee anything. If it takes "helicoptering" to help get her into $PRESTIGIOUS_SCHOOL you bet your ass I'll be firing up the rotors.

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#65

Post by [deleted] »

ThomPete wrote: post #18

As someone with children and living in NY, my wife and I are very aware of not trying to push our kids in a specific direction or to interfeer too much if they are having trouble solving something themselves. The problem once we start coaching our kids in an early age is that we are denying them to find a lot of subtle things out on their own. It's very easy to think you are helping your kids to learn by removing wha…

[deleted]

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#66

Post by [deleted] »

ThomPete wrote: post #18

As someone with children and living in NY, my wife and I are very aware of not trying to push our kids in a specific direction or to interfeer too much if they are having trouble solving something themselves. The problem once we start coaching our kids in an early age is that we are denying them to find a lot of subtle things out on their own. It's very easy to think you are helping your kids to learn by removing wha…

[deleted]

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#67

Post by Multiplayer »

As a parent of 3 boys, the biggest challenge today are personal electronics. Every parent I know has immense challenges setting guidelines on screen time. In this new tablet/smartphone era we are really in new and unfamiliar territory. Yes, we had our nintendos and our handhelds. Yes we had tv. No we didn't have networked devices in our pockets and incredibly addictive games like clash of clans, etc.

I don't know what it all means - I just know it's a big factor of discontent in most families I see.

Helicoptering of course has it's issues - but I think it's secondary to this new tidal wave of screen time.

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#68

Post by kangman »

thewarrior wrote: post #63
supercanuck wrote: post #14

You know what. Those parents got those kids into Stanford. Obviously helicopter parenting is working for them. 90% of the decisions people make are based on the environments they are in. Today's environment is extremely competitive and the margin for error is lower. Nobody wants to be the parent of the most mentally stable Starbucks Barista... Get them into Stanford, then they have the rest of their life to "fail"

I'm always wary of upvoting a comment like this , but being from India and experiencing the difference getting into a good college makes , he has a point. Ofcourse it's not a stark choice between getting into a Stanford and serving coffee at Starbucks but still . And I can't digest the snobbery in saying that a Starbucks worker is devoid of any dignity . But the comment still somehow resonates with me. Perhaps it's a…

You should check out this podcast about impostor syndrome and cultural conflicts that occur when two opposite ends of the socioeconomic spectrum meet.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/550/t...

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#69

Post by obstacle1 »

supercanuck wrote: post #14

You know what. Those parents got those kids into Stanford. Obviously helicopter parenting is working for them. 90% of the decisions people make are based on the environments they are in. Today's environment is extremely competitive and the margin for error is lower. Nobody wants to be the parent of the most mentally stable Starbucks Barista... Get them into Stanford, then they have the rest of their life to "fail"

>Nobody wants to be the parent of the most mentally stable Starbucks Barista... Get them into Stanford, then they have the rest of their life to "fail"

Surely you are joking.

"Do everything for them during THE developmental phase of their life, then throw them to the wolves once your have produced a helpless little Stanford graduate" is your vision of good parenting?

The whole of life before the age of 21 is irrelevant to you because it is just a means to getting into Stanford? Have you thought about the implications of your viewpoint?

A parent's relationship with a child is determined by the place where the child works?

Words fail.

Re: Former Stanford dean explains why helicopter parenting is ruining a generation

#70

Post by terda12 »

ThomPete wrote: post #18

As someone with children and living in NY, my wife and I are very aware of not trying to push our kids in a specific direction or to interfeer too much if they are having trouble solving something themselves. The problem once we start coaching our kids in an early age is that we are denying them to find a lot of subtle things out on their own. It's very easy to think you are helping your kids to learn by removing wha…

I grew up with parents who worked all the time and barely took part in their childrens lives. We cook dinner by ourselves a majority of the time. My 10 year old brother has to mow the lawn and do his own laundry. We get yelled at all the time like in the first column of the comics. At first I felt mad for it but now I'm realizing the benefits. I can take care of myself so well. I can cook, I keep my room clean, and I am on track to a great career that I like. Not to mention my brother and I have both solo travelled to some crazy places like Nepal, Peru, Norway.

My 21 year old friend has had his parents take a big part in his life. He has upper middle class parents who watch his every move, sign him up for SAT tutors, force him to take piano lessons. Has no clue how to cook, found freshman year comp sci too hard and switched to communications and now philosophy major, has not really gotten good at anything in life. If I majored in Philosophy my parents would probably yell at me and not help with tuition. Probably will depend on his dad's connections to get an office job.

On one hand having a nice, loving parent would be nice. I am not as socially capable as some of my other friends who had loving parents. I am not as loving or caring as them. On the other hand, my parents' harshness and indifference helped me get used to the grittiness of real life and I'm glad for it.

Post reply on HN