Hey HN. I was made aware that a co worker does not like me this week. He told an employee that sits next to me that he thinks I'm condescending. This made for very awkward team vibe when this person is around. How would you suggest I handle this situation?
Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
1–10 of 13 posts
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#2Hiya. You can do two things -- one, take it personally and get upset, and have things be awkward. Or two, take this a chance to get some feedback about yourself and see if you need to improve. Who told you about the comment? Can you ask that person if they agree? You could even approach the employee, say you heard that and that you genuinely apologize if you came off that way, and that you'd love to know what exactly it was so you can make sure not to do it again.
I really think you can turn this from something awkward to something positive with the right attitude.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#3Hiya. You can do two things -- one, take it personally and get upset, and have things be awkward. Or two, take this a chance to get some feedback about yourself and see if you need to improve. Who told you about the comment? Can you ask that person if they agree? You could even approach the employee, say you heard that and that you genuinely apologize if you came off that way, and that you'd love to know what exactly…
No other team members do not think that. My close co worker friend also disagreed, and I do believe her, because we are close. The person who told my source (person who sits next to me), had his friend (co worker) next to him as well, and his friend disagreed with him that I am condescending. This person that believes I am has not made any effort to confront me on this issue. Based on the current evidence, he doesn't know that I know what he said.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#4I would personally try to be nicer to said individual and at the same time not really worry about it.
Life. Sometimes people won't like you.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#5Ask your self if you truly treat the person who thinks you are condescending the same as the person who doesn't think you are condescending.
For example, it isn't uncommon for males to to be totally oblivious to the fact that they treat their female colleagues in a condescending fashion but not their male colleagues.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#6Hiya. You can do two things -- one, take it personally and get upset, and have things be awkward. Or two, take this a chance to get some feedback about yourself and see if you need to improve. Who told you about the comment? Can you ask that person if they agree? You could even approach the employee, say you heard that and that you genuinely apologize if you came off that way, and that you'd love to know what exactly…
No other team members do not think that. My close co worker friend also disagreed, and I do believe her, because we are close. The person who told my source (person who sits next to me), had his friend (co worker) next to him as well, and his friend disagreed with him that I am condescending. This person that believes I am has not made any effort to confront me on this issue. Based on the current evidence, he doesn't…
Talk to the person who says you're condescending and ask them for situations where you were. Then analyze whether you were or not. The problem with a lot of developers/scientists/"people who have been told they are smart all their life" is that they may think they're making a point or describing something but most of them can be condescending because they think they are always right. It is an attitude change.
If you cannot confront your critics, you cannot correct yourself if you're in the wrong. Also it will help you maneuver social situations better.
To be or not to be condescending - that is a situation that needs to be understood, before you actually act it.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#7If you have a tactful manager, bring it up in your next one on one. Your manager is in a unique position to handle these sorts of issues because they can gently probe for information and give more unbiased feedback than your coworkers.
That said, clumsy help is worse than none. If your manager is not particularly political then you can disregard that advice entirely.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#8Read Crucial Conversations and apply what you learn there.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#9That doesn't mean they don't like you. Plenty of my friends can be condescending. shrug
It's common (and sometimes necessary) to be condescending. So, make up for it by having an excess of goodwill. Give praise when you can, smile, try to be friendly, vocalize your self awareness etc.
When you realize you may have said something condesending, say "sorry, that may have come out wrong, I didn't mean it personally. Some people say I'm _____ but I don't mean to be". That's the kind of thing that won't necessarily make your coworkers think you aren't condescending, but they may still like you.
Re: Ask HN: Co worker does not like me
#10Apologize like you mean it and everyone moves on.