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Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?

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Re: Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?

#971

Post by jcranberry »

qznc wrote: post #504
jcranberry wrote: post #67

The Brothers Karamazov by Feodor Dostoevsky. At the time I didn't realize that it changed me, but looking back on it, the perspectives I learned from it fundamentally how I viewed and understood other people.

Could you elaborate? I got nothing out of that book when I read it.

Too many things. It implanted the idea that people, all people can be understood explicitly, through empathy (and that all people can be empathized with). It showed me a way of thinking that was based off of human emotions and understanding but also analytical. Father Zosima's conversation with the woman with the dead child also helped me resolve the question of how much of a part one's thoughts and intentions play in whether you're a good person, and in general what it means to be a good person and how that can change. There are other things, but on first reading those are the ways that it directly influenced my viewpoint (that I can remember now).

Re: Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?

#972

Post by rlue »

Tomte wrote: post #532
ehsanu1 wrote: post #402

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg is an amazing eye-opener. It's a book about how how to interact with your fellow humans in a way that enriches the lives of everyone around you. It's full of things that should be obvious, but in practice are not. You can think of it as a more advanced version of Dale Carnegie's "How to make friends and influence people", with more focus on conflicts, and a specific c…

It drove me up the wall and I didn't finish it. All this "if you answered c, e and f, we are not of the same opinion" feels passive-aggressive to me. The whole thing feels manipulative to me. It makes me think that people try an insincere way of talking to me, in order to manipulate my feelings and reaction. I've had huge discussions with friends who try to live the book, and neither of us could make the other see th…

It sounds like your friend may have missed some of the more critical points of the approach. Let me try:

* My boyfriend went DJing three times last week,

* but when he leaves, I feel lonely (n.b. this is different from "him leaving makes me feel alone")

* because I need some companionship in my relationship.

* I'd like to ask him to stay in with me at least x nights a week.

I talk to my boyfriend about my 1) observations, 2) feelings, 3) needs, and 4) requests (this is verbatim the four-step process outlined in the book). To all this, I might add:

On the other hand, I also wonder if DJing is his way of meeting his own needs for independence/action/excitement, and how he would feel about staying in x nights a week. Perhaps there's another way that we can make sure both of our needs are met, such as inviting close friends over to stay the night when he's gone, or inviting our friends over for a house party so he can socialize and I can still have him around.

---

Communication works when it's a good-faith effort on both sides to understand where the other is coming from and meet each other's needs mutually. The goal shouldn't be to manipulate the other's feelings and reactions, but to focus on the parts that no one could possibly disagree on (observation, feelings, needs—e.g., "I feel lonely") rather than blaming ("that makes me lonely") or subjective judgments ("3 nights a week is excessive").

If "we are not of the same opinion" strikes you as hokey, consider the intention of phrasing it that way: If you get in the habit of telling people when and why they're wrong, you're going to erode the spirit of cooperation required to arrive at a happy solution.

Re: Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?

#974

Post by Dowwie »

toastercat wrote: post #474

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns helped me get out of a hole of anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Not to say I'm all the way there, but I'm far better than I used to be, and perfectly functional. His list of 10 cognitive distortions was tremendously enlightening, like I felt a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I realized how I could combat my bad thoughts with rationality.

You'll like his "Feeling Good" podcast

Re: Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?

#976

Post by mcv »

scarecrowbob wrote: post #285
scrumper wrote: post #162

Animal Farm was a really important book for me. I picked it up aged about 10 or 11 and I remember being really struck by how easily the pigs were able to exploit the other animals' grievances with humans to secure their own power. It felt like a grown-up story with some quite powerful, disturbing meanings under the covers. So I told my English teacher about it and all she told me in response was to go look up the Rus…

One of the strangest things about that text is that very few of the folks I've talked to about it seem to feel that the issue with the pigs at the end is that there is a farmer. That is to say, I very rarely find anyone who will agree that the book is anti-capitalist at teh same time that it's opposed to Stalinism. I see the book continually taken happily anti-communist text. But the text is certainly not _just_ abou…

It is incredibly relevant to politics today. Galvanising people's anger to get them to support something completely unrelated that's not good for them at all, is something we see constantly. In Brexit, in Trump, but also in many other cases. People are easy to manipulate. And instead of a warning, people are treating Orwell's books as an instruction manual.

Re: Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?

#978

Post by NeuNeurosis »

robotron wrote: post #25

Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance This helped me understand the duality of the logical/mechanical and the creative/artistic. Then merging the two.

+1 For Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. This book lead me to accept a lot of parts of myself and seek to integrate all those parts together. I credit it with starting the journey that changed my life.

Re: Ask HN: What books changed the way you think about almost everything?

#979

Post by rashkov »

haohmobile wrote: post #629

To me, it’s “in search of the lost time” by marcel Proust. In this hustle and bustle world where people build startups for high evaluation, money and reputation, reading this book is an oasis in the desert experience to me. It inspires me to rethink of my simple day, to pay more attention to details, to figure out why little thing become what it is, to cherish small achievements and to appreciate people. And more imp…

Just want to chime in that Stoner is indeed a gorgeous work, and thank you for reminding me of it.
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