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Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

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Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#91

Post by Vivtek »

Oh, where to start?

Having a baby entirely eliminates your life and replaces it with a different one. And you can't undo it. You cannot spend all your time on a project now - you have to change your priorities. This is not an option, and unfortunately it's not something that happens magically by itself, either. Like maintaining a marriage, it's something you choose to do because not to do so is unthinkable.

The payoff will come a decade from now - or two, and it will consist of knowing (1) you made a good human being, and (2) you yourself are so much more mature and focused that the rest of your life will go much better. Just as long as you choose to have the right outcome - because #2 can also consist of your being a broken, bitter person who feels they trashed their life.

There is nothing like parenting. It's the headiest mixture of ebullient joy and sheer terror that's ever existed. My kids are 16 and 11, they're both smarter and more capable than all the rest of humanity combined, and all in all I think we've succeeded - but it hasn't been at all easy.

Would I undo it, given a time machine? No. I was a callow idiot until I had kids. Now I'm a more seasoned idiot, but I have a lot more gumption to do something that might fail. Because having kids guarantees one thing - you're going to fail. At lots of different things. And then you're going to keep right on going, past the failure, and make the best of things, because you have no choice at all.

Ultimately, it hardens you to risk. I have to recommend it.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#92

Post by Tichy »

x0t wrote: post #79
grandalf wrote: post #47

does anyone want to create a google group or something to have ongoing discussions about baby/child issues with HN-minded people? I do.

Done! http://groups.google.com/group/hn-parents Maybe this would be better suited for The Fridge, though?

OMG - that means HN will have a kids branch soon, won't it? Hacker kids are a scary thought :-)

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#93

Post by petervandijck »

thinkingeric wrote: post #16

I have a 3yo and 14mon old. Just about everything revolves around them, except for a precious couple of hours in the evening, when I have to decide between programming etc. and cleaning up. Because of professional demands on my time (tech lead at web dev shop), my wife ends up bearing a much larger share of the responsibilites for the household than either of us would like. If there isn't some kind of professional po…

Spending time with your kids -> relationship with them gets better -> it becomes more fun to spend time with them.

I don't think chasing a pot of gold is worth giving up time for your family (that you'll never get back), but that may just be me.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#94

Post by Vivtek »

igravious wrote: post #89
ericb wrote: post #73

I have 2 kids under 2. The first one was a shock in terms of the amount of work and sleep deprivation involved. The second wasn't as much of a shock just because we new what to expect. I'm not going to sugar coat this--it more or less destroyed my productivity for quite a while (1st 9 months per child) and this is because of lost sleep, mostly. My children are not great sleepers. Also, my first child had some medical…

As the father of a daughter of six-years-old, I know where you are coming from. The sleep deprivation, the feeling for the first time in your life that you would gladly give up your own life if it meant saving (God forgive me for saying it) the life of your child. Even though I've read The Selfish Gene by Dawkins and I know it is all biological evolutionary programming the feelings that are triggered after the birth…

Yeah. Both of our kids had (still have) uncurable diseases. (One kidney, one Crohn's.) For five years we did nothing but health maintenance - and by God we succeeded in restoring their health. But you just don't have the option of saying, "No, this is too hard, I'm quitting now." Because by doing that, you're dooming your child - a person who depends on you completely.

This meant that my wife, for example, took five years out of her career after getting her PhD in theoretical physics. She's just now getting reestablished, and that isn't an insignificant part of one's life.

But ... you have no choice. So you man up and do it. Along the way, you think back to the older people you've known in your life - your parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts - and you suddenly realize why they were the way they were.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#95

Post by petervandijck »

Tyrannosaurs wrote: post #61
x0t wrote: post #37

I just had a little boy on 05 OCT 2010. The biggest thing I've noticed is I no longer have much time for my side projects (freelancing) outside of my day job (network administrator). I have to cram fits of coding into little hour blocks of time when the kid is asleep, it's not very productive. I'm not terribly exhausted, but I am tired. I'm still interested in all the things I was previously interested in, but I have…

Congratulations and a bit of advice. The worst, in terms of tiredness and exhaustion comes around 6 - 8 weeks. Right now you've probably still got enough adrenalin in your system from the excitement to help you through but that will wear off over the next few weeks. My wife (who had previously worked 100 hours a week plus as a junior doctor) commented around week 6 that she was so tired she thought she might die. But…

"The worst, in terms of tiredness and exhaustion comes around 6 - 8 weeks." Agreed. Also, tiredness can build up over months and hit you hard at, say, 6 months. Make sure you and your wife use every moment you can to get some sleep. Leave that laundry for later, get some sleep.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#96

Post by Tichy »

Two weeks in, I definitely feel more determined than ever, but sleep is still a problem.

A couple of months into the pregnancy I took on a 9 to 5 job, which I wouldn't have considered otherwise. Then it became a problem to quit that job again, when it turned out to be boring (like most jobs) - risk aversion is definitely way up, also for the spouse. Luckily now the company branch dissolved anyway, problem solved.

I actually don't feel that now it is my duty to get a secure job to feed the family. Of course feeding the family is a priority, but it seems more important to me to be able to show my son that it is possible to have a fulfilling life, a ka have fun at work. If I went to another 9 to 5 job now, it would just result in a depressed father and possibly also a depressed kid. I don't think buying more shiny toys would compensate for that.

It floored me that it is considered normal by society that the father simply is away working and rarely ever has time for the kid. Certainly not what I want.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#97

Post by jasonlotito »

ericb wrote: post #73

I have 2 kids under 2. The first one was a shock in terms of the amount of work and sleep deprivation involved. The second wasn't as much of a shock just because we new what to expect. I'm not going to sugar coat this--it more or less destroyed my productivity for quite a while (1st 9 months per child) and this is because of lost sleep, mostly. My children are not great sleepers. Also, my first child had some medical…

It's not just the sleep. It's the attention. If your home, you have to give them attention. I won't go into all my details, but in a general way, the first kid, it's easier to find the extra time to work on projects. However, having the second really impacts that. Work all day, come home, dinner, and you have to spend time with the kids. Oh, I love that. But it's not until after 9 that you get a chance to sit down with the kids asleep. But even then, you have other things you have to do, day to day things.

Regardless of the time I spend away from doing anything on the computer, I'm working on my best projects every at home. God, those two... something is in my eye.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#98

Post by petervandijck »

sclopit wrote: post #27

one thing I don't see mentioned so far is that children give you some perspective on leadership. this means: 1) learning how to communicate values (as opposed to rules) 2) learning how to steer them away from paths that are not opportunities for growth and into those that are. these are both things that any development team could use

Absolutely. Also: how to assert yourself. How to set boundaries. How to communicate seriously. How to praise. Etc.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#99

Post by jokull »

I have a 7 month old son. I'm 24 years old. Me and the girl started going out about 4 months into her pregnancy. I wanted to give it a shot and it didn't work out in the end (just split up). My advice is to not fool yourself. It's going to take all you have, so be ready to sacrifice your startup, social life etc. There will be time later for that. Just go at the same speed as the girl does, going from maternity and babycaring to getting a babysitter and going out.

My second advice is to give it a shot.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#100

Post by webgambit »

I have four daughters ages 4 to 14 and the one thing, without a doubt, that kids did for me was that they help me to slow down and appreciate the little things in life. If it wasn't for a my daughters (and my wife, to a lesser extent) I'd probably do nothing but work and sleep. But they keep me grounded in the rest of the world. And something as simple as a few minutes watching a show or playing a game together brings me more joy than it ever did before I had them.

As for you questions; yeah, it'll can change your priorities, inspire you to do more or do different. And, as you can see in the rest of the comments, having a baby instantly requires everyone to give all the advice they wished someone had given them.

My advice, ignore 99.9% of what everyone tells you. Doing that is what kept my wife and I sane.

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