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Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

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Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#81

Post by collegeburner »

Jtsummers wrote: post #79

Making friends often takes some deliberate effort unless you're a social person by default. - Clubs. Find more general clubs or groups. A club often forms around a singular topic or activity, which is great for finding people who share that interest with you, but may not be enough to become friends with them. - Campus events. If you're living on campus or near enough to go on campus for them, participate. If you're i…

> A club often forms around a singular topic or activity, which... may not be enough to become friends with them.

This! I always hear people say "oh you'll make friends in a club" and couldn't figured out how to put this into words. Any advice on the sort of ones to look for that are "more general"?

Thanks for the other advice btw, I dont really know how to set up activities like that so I'll have to do some work learning but will give a shot.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#83

Post by collegeburner »

mrblampo wrote: post #77

Club is a good start! Do you like the people there? Ask if they want to grab food together after the club meeting sometime. Or invite them over for snacks, drinks (if you can obtain in a way you're comfortable with), videogames etc at your place or at a common space. If you don't like them so much, or even if you do, try other clubs, IM sports, join a chorus or band or orchestra, a cappella group, etc. These things h…

Tbh i should probably try inviting people to stuff, I just don't wanna try to put something together and have like 2 people show up. I never really organized that kind of hang out before so I'll have to do some work learning. Thanks for the advice!

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#85

Post by collegeburner »

RhysU wrote: post #78

Go hang out with the smokers. They are right outside now. Smokers see everyone go past and say hey to anyone they know, even if only briefly. Smoking not recommended.

Tbh i never seen people smoking on campus, its tobacco free so they can't really. Plus not many people smoke who are my age or if they do it's weed and at their place. It is interesting though, I have heard people talk about how smoking is (or was) kinda a social aid even more than alcohol.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#86

Post by drlobster »

scollet wrote: post #72
mb7733 wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why does it make you angry?

It's usually loaded with condescension and reduction, a rarely actionable silver bullet that makes no consideration of circumstance.

Sounds like you need to touch grass.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#87

Post by collegeburner »

smitty1e wrote: post #56

Examine the menu carefully, and join a suitable community of faith. If you were raised in a specific tradition, consider that as a going-in position.

Thanks, I haven't looked for one around yet but I'm sure there's one and its probably a good place. Good advice.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#88

Post by collegeburner »

topkai22 wrote: post #63

First, there are almost certainly many people like you at your university, feeling like they aren’t making any friends. By our nature we see the groups hanging around having fun, not the other individuals heading back to their apartments alone. Initiating relationships can be a risk to our egos, as almost all of us fear rejection. “What if they don’t want me here”, “what if they don’t come to my party”, “what if I as…

Thanks man, I really appreciate the advice on Halloween. I had kinda a niche costume in mind, do you think it's better to pick something people will know or something I can explain?

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#89

Post by polalavik »

bArray wrote: post #21

> Advice on how to connect better with people? Log off, touch some grass. Put yourself out there. Once you get a few people around you, it's relatively easy to leaver yourself into other friends groups. > But I've heard everybody talking about Halloween costumes in the past few days and realized I don't need one cause I'll be sitting inside alone on Halloween. I'd like to start fixing this but don't know how. Just sa…

> Just say yes to the next offer you get

While they should be saying yes to opportunities to connect with people, I'm not sure if this particular advice is great. If I was in a similar situation to the author of the post, I would find this particular advice demoralizing. It assumes the author of the post has what they are stressing they do NOT have - friends and offers of things to do. If you are not connecting with people you will not magically have offers from people.

It's about forcing yourself to get out there in controlled settings - clubs, volunteer, meetups, classes, and other places people are actively seeking connection.

Re: Ask HN: I'm making like 0 friends at college, how to fix it?

#90

Post by Jtsummers »

collegeburner wrote: post #81
Jtsummers wrote: post #79

Making friends often takes some deliberate effort unless you're a social person by default. - Clubs. Find more general clubs or groups. A club often forms around a singular topic or activity, which is great for finding people who share that interest with you, but may not be enough to become friends with them. - Campus events. If you're living on campus or near enough to go on campus for them, participate. If you're i…

> A club often forms around a singular topic or activity, which... may not be enough to become friends with them. This! I always hear people say "oh you'll make friends in a club" and couldn't figured out how to put this into words. Any advice on the sort of ones to look for that are "more general"? Thanks for the other advice btw, I dont really know how to set up activities like that so I'll have to do some work lea…

When I went to college my only friends at that school were from HS, both were Presbyterian. I went to their campus group (they had a building, some students lived there). About half of the people there were Presbyterian, the rest of us were just friends with them (some religious, others not). So while the community ostensibly formed around the particular church, it had a more diverse group and we all had different interests. The common thing was that we mostly enjoyed each others' company, and then smaller groups formed around specific kinds of activities. Some of us were more video game nerds, or anime nerds, or we formed intramural sports teams, etc.

I also joined the IEEE student society and, later, the ACM student society. While they formed around the technical disciplines, they weren't as specific as a movie watching club. This offered similar opportunities to the other environment.

These broader groups have general social activities and events that are good opportunities to meet people without there being a specific focus. Another element of these groups is that you often don't need to be a member to go to their social events. That church group had cookouts every once in a while. People could just walk up and eat and talk, we didn't care if they were properly part of the group or not. If you see announcements for things or pass by an event, join in. You may meet people you like, or not, but you have to take the chance.

As far as setting up activities, start simple. If I were in college right now, this weekend I'd want to see Dune. I'd invite whoever I knew and suggest dinner and a movie. The movie is the impetus to get people out, the dinner is the opportunity to talk. Do it in either order (dinner then movie, movie then dinner), though the latter is nice because it means there is no clock on the dinner (c'mon people, we've got to go or we'll miss the movie). Then you can branch out from there. Whatever you're interested in, start inviting people but try to have a social component, a chance to just sit and talk. Learn their interests and if you see or hear something that may be of interest to them but is not high on your own list, still suggest it.

Like, I enjoy white water rafting, it's fun, but it's not my thing. I've had friends who would do it every weekend if there were no cost or travel time. So I still threw it out as an activity sometimes because I knew that it would be of interest to some of my friends, even if it was a take-it-or-leave it thing for me.

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