Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#751

Post by rando001111 » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:20 AM UTC

csours wrote: post #48

I don't have a full answer, but a couple thoughts: 1. Volunteer. Somewhere, anywhere, for a good cause, for a selfish cause. Somebody will be happy to see you. 2. Stop trolling ourselves. As far as I can tell, all of the mass social media is trending sharply towards being a 100% troll mill. The things people say on social media do not reflect genuine beliefs of any significant percentage of the population, but if we…

As far as the troll mills go everyone forgot the adage from the olden days "don't feed the trolls".

Now everyone feeds the trolls.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#752

Post by eastbound » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:25 AM UTC

May I suggest that the political divide is extremely harmful? I don’t understand why [other camp] is so hateful, socially excluding at the first sign of our political leaning, etc.

I agree we also need to organize activities, but when social circles are occupied by the other camp with a witchhunt bonus, it is discouraging to try. And recursively encourages political extremism.

Incoming comment: “Not our problem, don’t be a Nazi.”

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#753

Post by dntrshnthngjxct » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:27 AM UTC

mghackerlady wrote: post #102

I have 2 answers to this, depending on how you define "loneliness epidemic" Genuine loneliness, like what you described, can only really be solved by touching grass. Figure out your hobbies, or find one if you don't have any. My answer to what a lot of people call "the male loneliness epidemic" as a woman is to say it doesn't exist, you need to figure out how to be attractive. We aren't throwing ourselves on shitty m…

Believe me, us men are not as "lonely" as you think. We can very easily be friends with each other, it's you who has to stop treating us like we're douches by default. We don't bite.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#754

Post by tomgp » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:35 AM UTC

neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

>Accept that most people flake

This is a thing that's always surprised me when I've been in the US. How common it is to enthusiastically arrange to do some activity together, get a meal, play a game, have a drink, whatever, and then for people to just call it off at the last minute. It seems much more socially acceptable to do so than either the UK (where I live) or France (where I have lived and still visit regularly).

The loneliness thing seems common across Europe too though so I'm not suggesting this is the root of the problem. But I do think that whilst this is a global problem the solutions are likely to be local, working with and leveraging different cultural norms.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#755

Post by Imustaskforhelp » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:36 AM UTC

anshumankmr wrote: post #678

Imustaskforhelp wrote: post #519

Can we please make this HN discussion stay open forever. This is one of those threads which has clicked me the most. I thank the creator of this a lot. A lot of these comments are super insightful and I wish to talk but I feel and explain my situation but I always sometimes feel like it takes a mental toll. I sincerely love this discussion and have gone I think 75% aruond and its so great to see people similar to us…

Could have it be an automated monthly thing, like the who's hiring,who's wanting to be hired posts.

Yes! I think this can work!

Would Hackernews community allow for something like this or be interested in doing this or say, if I were to create this post (or perhaps the OP) every month, would that go against terms or still be allowed.

I think it can be allowed but still just want to confirm if the community really wants this

I saw an aspect of vulnerability in hackernews I hadn't seen prior which made things feel real atleast to me

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#756

Post by dvergeylen » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:36 AM UTC

niam wrote: post #147

The common denominator is to have shared spaces where it's expected to be among strangers' presence, and for those strangers to eventually become repeat guests in a person's life. That's the maximally comfortable scenario for inducing social behavior and it's responsible for eons of human social history. Think church. The problem there is that it's the responsibility of groups or society to arrange that. There's not…

>The common denominator is to have shared spaces where it's expected to be among strangers' presence, and for those strangers to eventually become repeat guests in a person's life. That's the maximally comfortable scenario for inducing social behavior and it's responsible for eons of human social history.

This is spot on. It's why you meet so much people during your high school / college years. You're among strangers' presence, while attending to class, which makes a natural topic of interest between the people involved.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#757

Post by sputr » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:37 AM UTC

I remember watching old American educational videos for teens from something like the 50s (on YT). They talk A LOT about how to be likable and how much work one has to put into being accepted and included. The tone is very much "if you want friends and not be excluded (and being excluded is your own moral failing) you need to work on it".

I feel people have forgotten that. Having friends isn't easy. You do actually need to put in the effort - everyone needs to put in the effort, not just "the extrovert" that "adopts" you. And not just effort, it takes *SKILLS* that you need to actively develop and maintain.

So now we have generations where no one really thought us the skills or instilled the value of "it's a YOU problem". Everyone is just waiting for someone else to do the hard work. Even more stupidly, people might be lonely, but they are also very picky and if the person isn't exactly what they are feeling at the moment they flake/don't engage. And then they are surprised they don't have a surplus of friends when they need them.

So how do we resolve this? By telling people it's their our damn problem and fault. And no, I'm not saying ignore it on a societal level, I'm saying that the public policy to fix this is to start educating people that social engagement requires effort and skills. Maybe take those old American movies as inspiration (naturally remove all the sexist and racist bullshit).

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#758

Post by ljm » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:38 AM UTC

sailfast wrote: post #501

eagsalazar2 wrote: post #481

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love this but I think you'll be surprised at your success rate. Everyone is struggling with this, not just you. Right on the heels of covid we were debating whether to have a NYE party or just go to a friend's house for a low key thing. We were paralyzed a bit feeling like, why we weren't invited to other parties ourselves? Won't everyone already be busy doing other stuff? In the end my wife took the leap and invit…

In my experience, the problem is not a low success rate, but the burnout from being the only person that invites people to do things. At a certain point you want to see some reciprocation to create community. It can definitely happen, but a lot of folks still fall back on the habits. You have to invite and then also start asking people who's gonna host the next one and get them on the hook, and then not burnout from…

The lack of reciprocation is a tough one. I think it also helps sometimes to understand that not everyone is good at being the mother goose or the facilitator, especially if someone else is already good at doing it, and it's not because they lack interest or don't care.

I have some friends who very easily lose themselves in their work and the stress around it and if I wasn't the one checking in and basically pulling them away, I'd miss out on what are easily my favourite days out and it has no impact on how much we enjoy each other's company. Maybe one day it changes but until then I'm there for them.

That said, there are of course times where it's better to just let go. But those people were probably never that important to you in the first place.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#759

Post by Findecanor » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:40 AM UTC

mullingitover wrote: post #131

> So they sit on social media all day when they're not at work or school. How can we solve this? The naive solution is to place blame on the people who are influenced by the most advanced behavior modification schemes ever devised by humans. Kinda like how the plastic producers will push recycling, knowing they can shift blame for the pollution away from their production of the pollution, because people love blaming.…

The problems occurred when online interaction got mediated by corporations with profit motives that use dark patterns, automated systems and algorithms to extract more revenue from its users.

Most of my real-life friends are people I've first met online, or as a consequence of having met someone online. Those online sites have mostly been run by enthusiasts, driven by some hobby, fandom or other interest. A couple of them have risen highly in popularity and attracted many thousands of users, and also served news and allowed vendors to use their site for interactions with customers.

Those communities that have thrived have made sure that discourse does not get poisoned. They have had active, strong but fair moderators. Many have strict rules against discussing politics or religion, but people have a need to discuss that too sometimes — and being identifiable e.g. between subreddits could put people off from doing that.

Also, where do you draw the line to what is an online community and what is "social media"? I've avoided Facebook and X-twitter, but I know genuine communities exist there too.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#760

Post by sjw987 » Fri, Jan 16, 2026, 9:42 AM UTC

neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

> you are going to get well under a 50% success rate here. Accept that most people flake

This is true, but as long as the success rate is >= 1 other person, it's okay.

I started a running club for my apartment block (about 200 flats with maybe 300 residents). I posted flyers out once advertising it as a friendly social running club. Of the 300, the group has about 15 people, of which 5 are regulars (every other week at least), and just 2 of us are super regulars (multiple times per week). It's a terrible success rate, but those are 4/5 good friends.

At first it bothered me how flaky people were. Some people joined the group but have yet to show up in person. And some joined the group and are yet to even converse in the group chat, but hey, they'll come along when they're ready.