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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#71

Post by bkandel »

reacharavindh wrote: post #60
czbond wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My dad suggested there are three events that turn an individual from "able to be home" to assisted care (which is very expensive). 1) Change in ability to walk, which triggers 2) Inability to take care of and feed themselves, which triggers a slew of medications to try to combat 3) Inability to go to bathroom by themselves Keep people moving. Build strength early - strength training is great (people begin losing stre…

Agree with you on everything, except frozen foods. I am in my mid 30s. I like to cook and try to eat healthy. I have read at many places on the internet that frozen vegetables in some occasions are healthier than the ones I can at the supermarket- because they are flash frozen, retaining most nutritional value vegetables stay out in shipping and shelves far too long losing nutritional value. Also that they tend to be…

I read that as "frozen foods that are high in fat and salt".

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#72

Post by 202112031617 »

JshWright wrote: post #34

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents…

There are so many lucky coincidences there that it reads like bragging - unintentionally I am sure.

For example, I see no mention and not even a consideration of wife's parents - very convenient.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#73

Post by a2tech »

I'm a realist. I told my parents (one retired but active and one preparing to retire) that they needed to get their end of life plans and elder care plans in place because I wasn't going to do it for them. My wife and I don't have children and are hoping to spend our retirement being semi-mobile around the globe. We simply won't be available to take care of them in their old age. I threatened (only half joking) that if they didn't arrange things and they got sickly I would put them in the cheapest elder home I could find an afternoon of calling. They're grown-ass adults. They need to figure out their life--not lean on me to figure it out for them.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#74

Post by georgeecollins »

foobarbaz33 wrote: post #15

Your dad crawling up the stairs is helping to fend off muscle atrophy. There's a risk of course. Falling down the stairs could lead to death after complications. But it's not as out-right bad as you might assume, and crawling reduces the fall risk a bit. Falling is a risk even with normal walking. But if you don't have some movement in their life, they degrade faster and die sooner. There is risk from all choices

I am no expert but I do question the tactic of avoiding dangerous things like stairs based on unscientific anecdote of my own experience. Both my parents live upstairs in a two story house. My Dad still drives, which terrifies me. He recently started a drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles with my sister in the car who took over after a bout an hour, understandably. My Dad retired from work reluctantly at 90. They do a bunch of things that worry me but they are also 92 and 91 and living active independent lives. So there is some value in the risk taking.

I do think there is science to back up the idea that as your parents get older it is really helpful for them to have younger friends. For my Dad this came through work, for my Mom through friends who enjoyed concerts and plays. The point is to try to get them to have a connection with younger people. It's depressing, but my Mom says all her original friends have died off. For your parents it could be a hobby, taking care of grand kids, etc.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#75

Post by criddell »

refurb wrote: post #13

For my grandparents it came down a combination of persuasion (hard when cognitive condition declined) and just making decisions for them. Finding housing that works better (an apartment on one level) is one approach - sell them on the benefits of independent living for longer. But eventually it was finding a home with 24/7 nursing care they weren’t too opposed to. It’s not easy and as the parent of a young child I re…

Did your grandparents end up liking their new home?

My grandmother resisted going into a home for a long time. When she finally did, her quality of life improved considerably. She was much more socially active just because she was around so many people. She played cards, sang in a choir, and ate meals with friends every day. She even found a boyfriend.

She was too stubborn to ever admit such a thing, but I think she would have been happier if she had moved a decade earlier.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#76

Post by steve76 »

Lost of a parent is the most stressful life event other than getting married. It makes you face your own mortality, and really changes your life. A lot of problems other people have seem little. You start seeing how others wasted their youth. You want everyone to become neurological researchers. Even then you approach problems from the view that it's futile, there's not enough time, we'll never solve it, and we're all going to die. If they are sick or well, young or old, when they pass it is always a shock to you, and you always regret things you didn't do or did or could have done. It passes when you realize you're next, your ticket is called and then all that goes away and you feel relief.

Getting married shows you how different other people are, they want completely different things and your immature desires were delusions. You loose a big part of your life, almost all of it, while you get burdened with a ton of work.

Try to find a comfortable routine. Find good movies. What you miss are things you don't expect. Be happy they can walk yet alone eat, talk or breathe. When those happen, think that people still fast. People still die even after the best medical discoveries. Drop the millstone of pride around your neck. Admit dying is part of the deal life gives you. It helps too to understand we have everything we need right now to live a good life. There's no more great prophecies to be revealed or sacrifices we need to make. Do great things like regenerative neuron treatments and xenotransplantation because they are fun. Salvation has already been found for you by others who have done the work.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#77

Post by unixhero »

a2tech wrote: post #73

I'm a realist. I told my parents (one retired but active and one preparing to retire) that they needed to get their end of life plans and elder care plans in place because I wasn't going to do it for them. My wife and I don't have children and are hoping to spend our retirement being semi-mobile around the globe. We simply won't be available to take care of them in their old age. I threatened (only half joking) that…

This... Is probably one out of a few viable solutions to this.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#78

Post by JshWright »

202112031617 wrote: post #72
JshWright wrote: post #34

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents…

There are so many lucky coincidences there that it reads like bragging - unintentionally I am sure. For example, I see no mention and not even a consideration of wife's parents - very convenient.

I acknowledged several times that there a number of special circumstances that allowed us to do this, and that it probably wouldn't work for the majority of folks, but I think it would work for more people than you're seeming to imply.

I also made it clear that my comment wasn't intended to cover every single detail (like my wife's parents... and thousands of other details). I would have exceeded the max HN comment length several times over if I tried to cover everything. That's why I said I was happy to talk if anyone had any questions.

Regarding my wife's parents, they also live close by, and I suspect we will be involved in their care as well, but they also have other (adult) kids in the area, so it makes sense for us to divide and conquer a bit. Our relationship with my wife's parents would not have worked in this setting though (which isn't to say we aren't close... we see them at least a couple times per month, but living in close proximity wouldn't have worked). This was absolutely a conversation we had with everyone involved though (including my in-laws) before we moved forward with the plan.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#79

Post by wuunderbar »

geoduck14 wrote: post #51
lettergram wrote: post #4

My advice is to keep your parents moving for as long as possible. Motivation and exercise is what keeps people alive and happy. I once knew a 92 year old who benched 140lbs and who’s grip was a vice. He worked out every day for ~2 hrs. Was one of the most impressive things I’ve seen. All that said, perhaps ask them what they want? For instance, their motivation might not be meals or cleaning. Getting a maid or food s…

Keep moving! Yes! Also, emotional health is important. Many elderly people die of loneliness. If one parent dies, be VERY vigilant about getting the other into a situation where he/she has friends.

> Many elderly people die of loneliness.

How does this work exactly? Medically speaking.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#80

Post by throwawayboise »

a2tech wrote: post #73

I'm a realist. I told my parents (one retired but active and one preparing to retire) that they needed to get their end of life plans and elder care plans in place because I wasn't going to do it for them. My wife and I don't have children and are hoping to spend our retirement being semi-mobile around the globe. We simply won't be available to take care of them in their old age. I threatened (only half joking) that…

I bet you're glad that they didn't view you as much of an inconvenience to their life ambitions as you view them.
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