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Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

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Re: Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

#71

Post by bugsy »

AlexandrB wrote: post #51
bugsy wrote: post #25

Figure out what sort of looks and cultural qualities you like in a wife/girlfriend. Travel to that country and live there for a couple months staying in hostels or couch surfing. Meet girls. Extend the 2 months as long as needed, switching countries if there are issues. Marry foreign girl. Stay in her country where you now have a spouse visa. Start new life. The reason for this advice is because you said "I'm sick of…

Could you link to these studies? I seem to recall reading the exact opposite a little while ago (similar people do better together), but I'm not sure where I read that either. As a practical matter, it seems to me that an INTJ would have a hard time meeting an ESFP since they would not enjoy the same activities and would not cross paths too often.

Kiersey cites them in his book, which I don't have a copy of right now. They tested couples and their satisfaction with marriage, and then formulated type recommendations. This is also how the career counseling angle works. They actually test people in various careers and then find who is happiest and most successful, and this is what forms the basis of recommendations for career counseling based on MBTI results. It's not subjective but based on what tends to work out well in terms of happiness between people in relationships and between person and career in large populations.

For relationships the results are sorted not by the most common pairings, but the most successful.

As far as INTJ meeting ESFP, it does happen. People meet in bars, get references from others, meet in church. Perhaps INTJ is tutoring math to ESFP who is studying to be an elementary school teacher and they start dating.

In a relationship this is a pretty good entrepreneurial husband/wife pairing as well. Husband makes the product, wife does sales and marketing (ESFP specialty) and finds out from customers what they really need. ESFP in this case will help him understand and interface with the bureaucratic mentality, and also provide a front face and extremely enthusiastic explanations of his incredible value to the company he works for, or the investors who are funding him, or whatever he is up to. She'll also naturally bring him into contact with these investors, partners, or mentors and massively leverage his life opportunities, which will lead to a lot of success and happiness.

The world is not made for INTJ or INTP and does not understand either of them. The right partner can and will completely solve this problem.

With opposite pairings, there is no friction or stress from one trying to change the other because they are so different that sort of change is thought impossible, it would be like an elephant trying to change a giraffe into an elephant.

Re: Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

#72

Post by bhoung »

There are some great comments here.

I disagree with leaping into the abyss because it's likely to be overwhelming and counterproductive in this context.

Change one aspect of your life at a time and see what happens. Move houses, change jobs, change social circles. Sit back and observe. It ties in with trying something different but also makes it more manageable instead of attempting to do everything at once. I think people have different tolerances for the amount of change they can adapt to.

I second the comment on the corporate machine making you unproductive and making you feel lazy. Corporations are large machines with huge overhead because the rules are designed for average employees. On the whole, stuff gets done, but at the individual level it minimizes upside and downside. Unless you have a talent or discipline for office politics, it isn't an attractive option. I would guess that the majority of HN readers would not enjoy that environment.

The quarter-life crisis and the early 21st century syndrome is prevalent amongst 20-30 yr olds. Societies are undergoing major change and it is fascinating to see how we will respond to the choices presented to us. Now that companies can be built with 2-3 people, it doesn't just allow for ycombinator to succeed, it forces young programmers to assess whether a forty year career path is the obvious choice. Personally, I think the life and career goals of earlier generations is not applicable any more but are still being passed down and unintentionally causing cognitive dissonance.

Re: Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

#73

Post by proexploit »

Passion isn't the only motivator. There's a reason that you turn up at work every day and keep working. Perhaps you just need to figure out what motivates you and use that to move forward. This post itself seems to say you have things you want to be doing or you wouldn't have made it. No need to rush things. If you're content with your job and not unhappy, no need to change anything before you know what to change.

Re: Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

#74

Post by [deleted] »

troels wrote: post #57
bugsy wrote: post #25

Figure out what sort of looks and cultural qualities you like in a wife/girlfriend. Travel to that country and live there for a couple months staying in hostels or couch surfing. Meet girls. Extend the 2 months as long as needed, switching countries if there are issues. Marry foreign girl. Stay in her country where you now have a spouse visa. Start new life. The reason for this advice is because you said "I'm sick of…

Now we're sidestepping this entirely, but I never really understood that sentiment. Do people really have some sort of ideal spouse image inside their head and then seek out someone to fit? That doesn't fit with my version of reality.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

#75

Post by bugsy »

AlexandrB wrote: post #51
bugsy wrote: post #25

Figure out what sort of looks and cultural qualities you like in a wife/girlfriend. Travel to that country and live there for a couple months staying in hostels or couch surfing. Meet girls. Extend the 2 months as long as needed, switching countries if there are issues. Marry foreign girl. Stay in her country where you now have a spouse visa. Start new life. The reason for this advice is because you said "I'm sick of…

Could you link to these studies? I seem to recall reading the exact opposite a little while ago (similar people do better together), but I'm not sure where I read that either. As a practical matter, it seems to me that an INTJ would have a hard time meeting an ESFP since they would not enjoy the same activities and would not cross paths too often.

OK, finally found a list of studies that discuss complementary type matching.

http://www.capt.org/research/couple-mbti.htm

Liberty's dissertation on attitude-antagonistic coupling covers his research with couples who have the worst-scenario matching, an example of which would be INFJ and ENFP getting together. These pairings will generally make each other completely miserable.

Re: Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

#76

Post by bigohms »

If you haven't done so already, I would develop some spheres of influence around the things that you already enjoy. The ability to bounce ideas and receive healthy criticisms from trusted friends greatly increases your chances of discovering something you are passionate about. You should have one "CPU cycle" dedicated to exploring the options of this world, with the flexibility to become deeper involved into them if desired.

Asian & Middle Eastern immigrants coming to America have not had "it" as good as you have. They come here and are amazed and bewildered by the concept of developing a stable and comfortable lifestyle on any area they choose to focus in on. Possibilities are almost endless. There is some psychology available that reinforces since you have not had anything different than the status quo, you may have lost some of this bewilderment by fulfilling the typical young adult lifestyle.

I reinitiated some of this by traveling India and China for a couple months, at a time in my "career" as a web developer, where I felt commoditized beyond recognition. The trek identified some faults in how I had been wasting my time, wasting my talents and wasting the capabilities possible available. The experiences, the sights were beyond anything I could have imagined on any other ordinary "vacation".

Re: Ask HN: Finally have loose change and spare time, but no sense of purpose. Help.

#77

Post by impendia »

I have a concrete suggestion along the lines of some of the suggestions here.

I assume you live in at least a moderately big city (e.g. maybe SF Bay Area). Pick up one of those alternative weekly newspapers, or find something equivalent on the web, or somehow find some long list of activities, clubs, and events that represent a decent cross-section of what people do.

Now number all of them -- make sure you get at least a hundred or so -- then generate five random numbers, and choose at least two of the five activities you randomly picked.

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