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Thanks for asking this question. I was reflecting on this lately: I specifically struggle with 2 things: -- With adulthood and family. I'm not really sure how my parents did it, I feel I'm still not an adult ( married 2 years ago). -- I did my undergrad in CS, got hired into an IT consultant company, and started working as a developer implementing tool platforms. ( imagine SalesForce, AWS etc., ) for customers. Now I…
Which city are you in? What visa are you on?
I've been struggling with adulthood ever since turning 30 and starting a family. I have this image in my head of what life after 30 looks like from seeing my parents and all their friends doing basically the same thing as each other. It's not a life I want for myself, but every decision I make pushes me further and further in that direction. My mind has been programmed to think and act in a way that eventually lands…
I struggle with the question whether to have children or not. I'm surrounded by new fathers who struggle with their children, whose wives have turned from attractive women into unattractive moms. I read witty comments all the time suggesting how much of a burden kids are. This struggle burns me out.
It can definitely be a challenge. My wife and I waited a long time (10 years) before having a kid. There have been a number of unexpected medical things that have complicated the past ~4 years. I love my son a lot, but I also would have been happy to be just a husband. I think you need to decide what's important to you and whether a child makes that better or worse. Having kids to meet some kind of social norm or exp…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
SF, H1B
If you're on H1B you can change employers, SF would definitely have a lot of companies willing to make this happen.
I make I try to get at least one Git commit every day, but my job is pretty draining, so that doesn't happen. And sometimes all my projects get blocked on hard stuff that I don't have the energy to solve. For all I know, I might look alright on paper. I've co-authored a paper in a respectable journal, written a few Rails apps, a few desktop apps, and a crappy interpreter for an old language - which doesn't really use…
I can imagine that there are senior engineers that couldn't explain to me what a lexer/parser does let alone elaborate on the trade offs of a specific implementation. I'm not in the position to hire but send me an email if you want to connect.
I've worked in various technical roles at startups, huge public companies, and have received offers from FAANG companies. I still sometimes feel like a complete fraud, like I don't deserve to be in the position I am in. It really bothers me.
Maybe its related to the incredibly smart people I work around. Maybe its because I am self taught, so didn't have a "formal" education in CS or Statistics. Maybe its the destructive tendency to compare what I've built or accomplished to others around me or those I read about.
I've heard that this is somewhat common in our industry. So it helps to look back on where I was 5-10 years ago, and think about what I've done since and how far along I've come. If anyone out there has had similar feelings or experiences, focus more on what you have done as opposed to what you have not (yet) done. It's too easy to sell yourself short. You belong.
Depression. I have a lot of social anxiety and I feel really isolated, my best friend passed two years ago which didn't make anything better. Isolation makes depression into a feedback loop, and it feels like you keep sinking deeper and deeper.
I highly recommend going to see a therapist.
In any case, therapist first.
I struggle with the question whether to have children or not. I'm surrounded by new fathers who struggle with their children, whose wives have turned from attractive women into unattractive moms. I read witty comments all the time suggesting how much of a burden kids are. This struggle burns me out.
I don't regret having kids, but this really caught me by surprise, and not until several years after our first was born did it really sink in how our relationship had changed and how long that phase lasts. (well beyond the infant/toddler years)
I have sleep apnea, but it's controlled with a CPAP. My numbers are good and I've felt better since I started using it, but I still like I need a nap most of the time.
I exercise, eat right, take vitamins and supplements, but I just can't escape the fatigue.
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Money. I got a divorce a few years ago and now I'm paying 1/3 of my income in alimony. Combine that with having taken a lower paying job a year ago. My old job slowed down and I hastily took a defense contractor job so I could pay alimony. Now I have to work a side job just to make what I used to.
I'm trying to land a FANG job which will boost my income enough not to worry about it, but that's tough to do when you're tired all the time.