Ask HN: Are you ok? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#691

Post by bacon_waffle » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:42 PM UTC

crescentfresh wrote: post #473

Waterluvian wrote: post #393

I recently experienced months of sleeping problems. Where I wouldn't sleep for days. Or would sleep a few hours. I would be exhausted and my head would hit the pillow and BAM adrenaline and I can hear my heart pounding and I'm awake. It got so bad I would go into the basement and destroy a wall that I kept repairing. I would cry in frustration. I started to have suicidal thoughts. It was harming my marriage and made…

There's something deeper here that runs counter to the generally accepted idea that lights from screens at night disrupts the body's circadian rhythm and keeps us awake. Anecdotally I know that I can go from "can't sleep; thinking about everything I have to do tomorrow" to asleep in 10 mins opening my phone and browsing reddit - in dark mode no less, makes me feel better about doing it - and reading mindlessly. Empha…

It's important to separate the effects of the light from the screen, and the information the mind is getting through the screen.

I've experimented a bit with blue blocker glasses, and I think they do help a little (perhaps placebo effect is playing a role, but whatever works). But, as you suggest, it is far more important for me to avoid thought provoking material on the screen before bed, than to avoid the screen wholesale.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#692

Post by raphaelb » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:44 PM UTC

protectid wrote: post #632

I am in software development but my troubles are at home. This is why I am using a throwaway. I am bad with relationships. There two sides to every story but this is my side. I have a quiet agreeable demeanor. Its a cultural thing and a personality thing. Unless something is going to affect my life I tend to agree. I seem to attract the opposite types of partner. My partners tend to do all the talking which is fine w…

I have difficult times in relationships also, and your post sounds similar to things I've struggled with - general personality / demeanor acquiesce with uncertainty or internal disagreement, very flexible most of the time until very stubborn in certain ways, not feeling like I can recover my peace & internal clarity before another wave.

I recently read the book Boundaries by Anne Katherine (https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Where-Begin-Recognize-Heal...) and feel like it was exceptionally eye opening. I always felt like I had a normal-ish upbringing (but how do you ever really know, outside of egregious abuse?) but there was very little to no modeling of positive boundaries and individuation, and it has negatively impacted my relationships.

I've also read some of Henry Cloud's "Boundaries" book, but it was a little too Bible-oriented for me, but that may not bother you. His writing is very clear and he had many insightful gems sprinkled throughout the heavy reference to scripture.

It also may be worth talking to a therapist or counselor (and I would suggest doing it just for yourself first) before trying marriage / couples counseling. In my experience with marriage counselors (admittedly not a lot), the relationship itself is effectively the client. The one I went to wouldn't even discuss with us that our marriage may not be right for either of us whereas a personal therapist is there specifically for you.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#693

Post by fuzz4lyfe » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:45 PM UTC

aintnoprophet wrote: post #621

kerkeslager wrote: post #608

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Start your own business, work fewer hours, and take the cut in pay. That's what I did, and I have no regrets. It's the best decision I ever made.

How to? Starting your own business is not easy.

Working for someone else for 50 years is harder after its all said and done I suspect

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#694

Post by VoiceOfWisdom » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:45 PM UTC

gjulianm wrote: post #669

protectid wrote: post #644

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the subreddit now as I type this. Man you have hit the nail on the head though with the one line. I feel so guilty when I disagree and she doesn't see my point. Its like I want her to say okay I see your point but we never seem to get there unless it is her point of view. I want to stand up for what I believe in (for the record it is things like how to save money, stuff I can pull numbers for). I come from a famil…

Please watch out about red-pill forums. Standing up for yourself is good, being able to communicate and be assertive is good, but the underlying ideas of the red-pill community is to build relationships on games and dishonesty, with a nice base of sexism.

MRP is pretty different in that regard. Its more about recognizing the ways society tells men to behave that don't actually help them or anyone else.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#695

Post by marcosdumay » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:45 PM UTC

anon9001 wrote: post #460

p1esk wrote: post #375

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Find a remote job (take a pay cut if needed), move to a cheaper country if money is a concern. Work 3-4 hours on a beach. Totally realistic as long as you’re good at what you do and manage to get things done.

I did that and relocated from SF to a cheaper part of the country. How does working on a beach help? I'm expected to be online during core work hours and available for calls (in a quiet location with good internet). I feel like I've optimized working as much as humanly possible and I'm still going insane. My job pays well, has good benefits, has good coworkers, my opinion is valued, my work is appreciated, my boss is…

Most people think what they do at work is important for them on a personal level. This may not be an objectively correct belief (but then, how does one define what's objectively important for oneself?) but there is this sentiment of wanting to make society better, and at work you are in a kind of society.

You seem to be missing that social link with your coworkers.

(And yes, if you ask me, I'd say it's everybody else that is crazy here, not you. But people are not built to have a completely clear mind.)

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#696

Post by throwawaytoon1 » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:46 PM UTC

Disclaimer: throwaway account.

I have a great job that pays well, love my colleagues, etc. But I feel like my management hates or at the very least ignores my existence. My boss doesn’t understand technology: every time I do something that saves others time or money I get torn a new asshole about how nobody asked for it or how they don’t understand how it works. Consequently I find myself just doing the bare minimum they ask for, which is demoralIzing because I know I could do so much more. I’d love to do a startup or another job, but I need a guaranteed paycheck for my family.

I don’t know. I feel like Bilbo Baggins: too little butter scraped over too much bread.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#697

Post by raphaelb » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:47 PM UTC

gjulianm wrote: post #669

protectid wrote: post #644

Earlier quoted context omitted.

On the subreddit now as I type this. Man you have hit the nail on the head though with the one line. I feel so guilty when I disagree and she doesn't see my point. Its like I want her to say okay I see your point but we never seem to get there unless it is her point of view. I want to stand up for what I believe in (for the record it is things like how to save money, stuff I can pull numbers for). I come from a famil…

Please watch out about red-pill forums. Standing up for yourself is good, being able to communicate and be assertive is good, but the underlying ideas of the red-pill community is to build relationships on games and dishonesty, with a nice base of sexism.

I would second this. I read most of "No More Mr Nice Guy", and while I found it helpful in some ways it also was just not as "clean" in my opinion as "Boundaries" by Anne Katherine.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#698

Post by VoiceOfWisdom » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:47 PM UTC

protectid wrote: post #644

VoiceOfWisdom wrote: post #637

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Read the sidebar at /r/marriedredpill/. I think you would benefit from reading No More Mr Nice Guy, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Don't be turned off by the red pill language.

On the subreddit now as I type this. Man you have hit the nail on the head though with the one line. I feel so guilty when I disagree and she doesn't see my point. Its like I want her to say okay I see your point but we never seem to get there unless it is her point of view. I want to stand up for what I believe in (for the record it is things like how to save money, stuff I can pull numbers for). I come from a famil…

Read the sidebar. You get one victim-puke on /r/askmrp. You will get your shit pushed in, but it will make you a better man. No one has the answers for you, but the tools are there.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#699

Post by marcosdumay » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:49 PM UTC

MentallyRetired wrote: post #108

dyadic wrote: post #49

Not really. My country is being ripped apart, everyone seems so hateful against the other, the government talks about record employment level and pay while people are using foodbanks and sleeping in the streets. My own life is great by the standards that people usually use to measure success. But it feels so empty. I'd rather check out and go and live in a cave on a hill, but all the land and caves have been parcelle…

I'd ask what third world country you live in, but it really sounds like America right now.

I was certain it was the same as I live up to the point he talked about record employment levels...

Well, at least we get to know how people feel during major world changes.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#700

Post by petrolenna » Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 10:54 PM UTC

I'm mostly OK. I'm happy at work, happy at home. But I feel like I'm on the precipice of royally f*cking things up.

My relationship with a colleague is dangerously close to becoming inappropriate. I'm happily married, with kids, and I don't have the need for anything extra marital, be it on a social or physical level. Genuinely happy. Yet, this work relationships seems to be progressing into something that, at some point, can be seen as an affair.

We're both fairly isolated in the company, and (mostly) only have each other to speak to about issues and pressure within the company. We also work on a lot of things together. This results in us spending a ton of time together, either working or talking about work. There's some social compatibility as well, but nothing mind blowing. We've developed an easy going relationship with a lot of shared experiences and vocabulary, resulting in an intimacy which, although I enjoy it, I'm not always comfortable with. Especially since he seems to be so easy going with casual touches and interactions.

I've made a point of prioritizing my spouse and kids, and not to allow my work relationship to interfere. I've set up sanity checks for myself to assess if I'm over stepping in any way (through looks, touch, prioritizing, day dreaming, whatever), yet the relationship keeps on growing deeper, and I have no way of stopping it. Short of quitting.

I don't want to quit. I love my job. I've worked towards a job like this for years. It took years of hard work, learning, networking, grinding and hustling to get to this point. I've invested so much in this job that it will take me years to build up to something like this again. The job allows me to live how I want to live, spend time with my family, provide for my family. Still, I know that I'll loose pretty much all of it if I step over the line. I won't be able to trust myself, I won't be able to ask my spouse to trust me. I just can not allow that to happen.

So that's me, mostly OK, but stuck between a rock and a hard place.