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Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

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Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#61

Post by mindslight »

pelagos wrote: post #33
foobarbaz33 wrote: post #15

Your dad crawling up the stairs is helping to fend off muscle atrophy. There's a risk of course. Falling down the stairs could lead to death after complications. But it's not as out-right bad as you might assume, and crawling reduces the fall risk a bit. Falling is a risk even with normal walking. But if you don't have some movement in their life, they degrade faster and die sooner. There is risk from all choices

classic hackernews response

If you think hacker news has a single minded strength of will, you haven't met an old man.

Like seriously if your Dad is crawling up the stairs, he has already decided that He Will Keep Using Both Floors Of His House Until He Physically Can't Anymore. Apart from completely destroying his agency, you are not going to stop this.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#62

Post by deleted_account »

Similar situation. I would suggest installing an implant that needs to be re-armed every month or so, and if not it releases some toxin that causes a natural-seeming shutdown. [1]

No, wait, that's _insane_. What the hell is wrong with people?

In this thread, SaltySloth's comment [2] is most prescient and provides the best practical advice.

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29430888 [2] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29430583

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#63

Post by TrackerFF »

We got one of those stair lifts installed. My grandfather (Also 86) got new hips some 4 years ago, but had been pretty much bedridden for 4 years prior to that. He'd basically live on the couch, and struggle his way throughout the 4 story house.

Unfortunately, he had a pretty serious stroke during rehabilitation, which left him with dementia-like symptoms - luckily not deteriorating, just very poor short-term memory. He never regained his prior strength, so he's mostly walking inside the house now. Grandma is still alive, and they live together. They, too, absolutely refuse to even consider the alternatives.

When she started experiencing dementia, we started to use meals-on-wheels services - but unfortunately, most of the food gets ignored and just spoils. They've been incredibly independent and DIY all their life - just 10 years ago, they remodeled a rental unit they own. Changed the windows, flooring, walls, etc.

Right now, we're kind of lost. They sort of refuse to accept that doesn't involve us (family) directly, so the whole family is doing shifts on helping them. My aunts/uncles are regularly there cleaning, taking groceries, etc.

Tbh, I think it's going to continue until one of them passes away, and the remaining one becomes too senile to function. It's hard to watch, but that's just the course of life.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#64

Post by glitchc »

Movement is good, let him move around. Keeping the movement safe is harder, a broken hip at that age takes a long time to recover from. Are the stairs unsafe? Slippery? Too steep? Insufficient handholds (not enough support, large gaps)? Those things can be fixed. In addition to those fixes: 3M makes an anti-slip tape that you can install at the lip of each step to prevent slips and falls [1]. There is a clear variant available too.

[1] https://www.findtape.com/3M-Safety-Walk-Non-Skid-Tape/p1217/

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#65

Post by quesera »

panzagl wrote: post #46
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

'stop adding value'? WTF.

This is a reasonable concern for oneself, if not a reasonable criticism of others.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#66

Post by yodsanklai »

Your dad makes his own decisions. There's nothing you can do about this.

I had a similar story with my grandmother. Eventually, she fell in the stairs (93 years old). At that stage, she had to move to the first floor but after her accident, she lost her autonomy fast and had no other choice for her other than going to a retirement home. She declined and died within a year. Quite a common story I believe.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#67

Post by criddell »

btbuildem wrote: post #37
brutus1213 wrote: post #8

Similar boat with aging parents. It is really tough with few solutions. In a very HCOL area and parents own a condo. So stairs are less the issue but there a ton other challenges that emerge. Simplest solution would be to do a joint-family system with the parents. That is not feasible because single story houses are pretty rare in our area and spacious housing is stupidly expensive in general (Toronto); moving my fam…

I think this is the most.. humane approach. For everyone involved. From what I've read about the nightmares of old folks' homes, that way of handling elder care has been failing us for a long time (and only recently has come into view). Multi-generational households really seem like the way to go. Everyone gets to play an age-appropriate role and (in an "ideal" family) everyone is taken care of.

Multi-generational households are a non-starter when you are a child of divorced parents.

My dad and step mother, mom and step father, and my mother in law, step father in law, father in law and step mother in law are not going to be living in a shared household ever. And if that somehow happened, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near it. :)

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#68

Post by germinalphrase »

JshWright wrote: post #34

This likely isn't relevant to you OP, but perhaps for someone else who is a little earlier in the process here. I'm in my late 30's and my parents are in their early 60's (Dad will be retiring next year). Two years ago we decided move into a multi-generational home. We found a place big enough for our family of 5, in addition to an "in-law" apartment big enough for my parents. This was born directly out of my parents…

For the right group, that sounds ideal.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#69

Post by criddell »

czbond wrote: post #44
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

Build strength by middle age, eat nutritious foods, move daily for 30-60 minutes in a large capacity, keep the brain occupied, be social, intermittent fast to remove weight which builds up. They all need to be started earlier in life to create them as muscle memory habits, rather than "motivational habits" in old age. As one ages, body parts hurt, which demotivates people from moving, which adds weight, etc. Couple t…

Great advice. You won't have to worry about the things the person you responded to until your 90's rather than your 70's. It's still worth thinking about.

My dad is in his 70's and is dealing with Lewy Body Dementia. It's terrible. If I start showing the symptoms, I'm definitely going to take control of my own death. Quality of life is far more important to me than quantity of life.

Re: Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

#70

Post by criddell »

panzagl wrote: post #46
foobarian wrote: post #41

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity…

'stop adding value'? WTF.

Outside of HN that would probably be phrased as 'become a burden on my family'.
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