Volunteer.
Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
61–70 of 86 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#62Hi. You seem nice. I'm nomadic but don't have a problem making friends that feel like siblings. I think this has to do with the fact that I try to be completely open about who I am and my many short comings from the start. For whatever reason you are more likely to get the same response. Maybe you are a very open person and this is an unhelpful suggestion. But I'll make it anyway, because you seem nice:)
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#63> How do I overcome this sense of loneliness and dismality? You are actually asking several different questions. But I suspect if you can overcome this one, you'll find that you won't really yearn for deep friendships as much. There are several things you should probably ask yourself: - Are upset that you are alone, or are that you are lonely? Remember, there's two are not necessarily the same. - What is making you f…
In my opinion, this is the most incisive reply in this thread.
The yearning for "deep" friendships reflects some underlying need. I tend to think few strong relationships develop as the result of deliberate effort. They arise naturally, at any age, as a result of shared experiences and a sense of mutual understanding.
My suggestion is to focus on your work, and perhaps try to find a romantic partner. Relationships inevitably emerge in the context of collaboration, and much "loneliness" is actually sexual frustration. Also consider imposing limits on the amount of time you spend alone in your residence and, if you can tolerate the compromises, roommates can help reduce the sense of alienation that comes with living alone.
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#64how about trying some tech meetups?
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#65Join a local facebook group. I joined a local music/partying facebook group and have met tons of new people after that through regular meetups.
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#66- Meet people through work. You have to kinda treat this a bit like dating, and make real effort - when you meet someone you get on with, you'll need to invite them for coffee etc. Do this sooner rather than later. Go to social events that are loosely related to your work. - Activity groups. Meetup.com, Couchsurfing, Nightclasses. Charities and volunteering. - Become a regular at a bar or a cafe. Go there frequently,…
This is good advice for meeting people, but acquaintances don't automatically become friends. For that, you need to spend time with them in diverse contexts. The more, the better.
Someone you only see at work is a coworker. Someone you only drink with is a drinking buddy. If you work together, go out drinking on weekends, and play racquetball every Thursday night, the line starts getting blurred.
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#67Is there anything you are really passionate about? Politics, religion, a TV show, genre of literature, charity, etc.?
I've found that it's easier to form faster relationships by being in a select "in-group" of people who are united around a cause. The downside to that is that if you change your views or become less passionate, the people may tend to isolate from you. Same thing for when you have friends from work. However, you can try to turn these more superficial friendships into more meaningful ones by talking about people's kids, dating life, childhood, etc. Once you talk about things that are more intimate, people will view you as a more intimate friend than you actually are. And remember you have to "give to get" - so talk about yourself and share details that push the boundary of your intimacy level (not in a creepy way). That will also make people feel that you have a closer relationship than you do and they will view you as a closer friend.
And read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" for tips on talking to people more when you are with them.
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#68I don't know about deep friendships, as I really don't have the time to maintain all my friendships anymore, but I've become friends with quite a few people by just picking a few groups on Meetup.com and keep showing up to meetups, do a little chit chat here and there, not a lot, but a little.
Eventually people started recognizing me as a regular and I got to know people well enough that they started being friendly to me and asking me to do things outside of meetups.
It also helped that I'm generally a friendly person, albeit somewhat quiet.
So I just made a consistent effort to keep going to these meetups for a period of two years, and I now know more people than I can keep track of, and made several pretty close friends out of it.
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#69A lot of cities have meetup groups (www.meetup.com) for whatever interests you might have.
I am in Barcelona, and there are a number of expat groups, practice spanish groups, as well as tech meetup groups (as well as a ton more - the ones I mentioned are maybe more relevant to a newcomer in the city).
Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?
#70Pursue your interests, skydiving, wargaming, poetry, dance, futbol, religion, politics, whatever. This is somewhat likely to lead to meeting people with a shared interest. That's the basis for community.
Good luck.