Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#561

Post by SamPatt » Tue, Mar 29, 2022, 9:23 PM UTC

incompatible wrote: post #429

SamPatt wrote: post #345

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For me it was a combination of having achieved some amount of success (physical, financial, career) and also some humbling failure. Basically I learned I'm not so bad, and I'm not a great man either. I'm good enough. I don't hurt other people. I like myself, and when you genuinely like yourself then other people's opinions aren't quite as important. Nearly everyone responds positively when you aren't seeking other's…

You have to expect that quite a few people aren't going to like you, in any case, you just aren't compatible. After all, do you like everybody else?

I'm sure some people don't like me. But they keep it to themselves. Even if they didn't, so what? Unless I did something to hurt them, I shouldn't be upset about it.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#562

Post by thorin » Wed, Mar 30, 2022, 12:25 PM UTC

I thought the recent Tom Hanks movie "a beautiful day in the neighborhood" was an excellent study in small talk that was actually big talk and active listening. Here in the UK we know nothing about Mr Rodgers but I really enjoyed it.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#563

Post by ManlyBread » Wed, Mar 30, 2022, 3:29 PM UTC

One day I just woke up and realized I've been living this way for a very long time and that it didn't bring me any benefit. I was so sick and tired of that anxiety that I eventually became angry at it. This anger turned into curiosity: what actually happens if I do that thing I dreaded doing so much? Then it became exciting and I stopped giving a damn because the excitement was much more interesting than thr anxiety I had so far.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#564

Post by markus_zhang » Thu, Mar 31, 2022, 1:28 AM UTC

Getting married and worked a few years as a salesman remove a lot of social shyness. I still don't like public speaking, small talks and such but I can drop a few lines if I have to.

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#565

Post by mod » Thu, Mar 31, 2022, 4:22 AM UTC

I bought a bar and bartended there. Which is basically just forced practice.

Remember Carol Dweck. People aren't just naturally good at things like this, they practice it a lot (maybe inadvertantly).

You can make huge strides with focused, purposeful practice

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#566

Post by fibrefox » Fri, Apr 01, 2022, 12:14 PM UTC

If it is something that you want to improve then it is something that you have to put in the time and effort to practice. Some would say that confidence is an attitude (i.e. fake it till you make it) but some would say that confidence is a result of feeling comfortable in your own skin.

I think learning to feel comfortable and be okay with feeling awkward is also one way to eventually feel less awkward. The best way sometimes is to just acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation and then it will become less awkward than if it is just sitting there like the proverbial elephant in the room. It's almost like desensitizing yourself to the feeling until you become gradually less affected by it and that it doesn't bother you much at all.

If you take the time and effort to understand the situations in which you find yourself feeling socially awkward and shy, you'll be able to address the root cause of the problem and practice how you react and respond to those situations.

I wish you the best of luck :)

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#567

Post by kewpiedoll99 » Fri, Apr 01, 2022, 3:50 PM UTC

malux85 wrote: post #325

perardi wrote: post #135

Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice.…

Just to build upon the Practice element you mentioned, any time you want to change something, then do exposure therapy Can you go to the bar, speak to 50 people, make 5 excellent business contacts and conquor the world? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 50 people? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 3 people? No Can you go to the bar? Yes Ok, this time go to the bar, if you're not ready to speak to people then…

i love the gentle approach described here. it's the best way to make incremental progress in what seems at first glance to be an insurmountably difficult problem. thank you!

Re: Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

#568

Post by kewpiedoll99 » Fri, Apr 01, 2022, 3:52 PM UTC

febin wrote: post #437

I have been through this and these are things that helped me improve. 1. Show up Make sure you show up instead of avoiding people and events. Initially it can be difficult. You may be worried if you would mess up the conversation. You might be anxious you would run out of words to talk to. And it might turn to be a little embarrassing, that's alright. Doing more and more of those interactions kills your inner fear. G…

i would add, "5. Ask questions." if you struggle to make conversation, find one thing about the person and ask them about it. how did they decide to do what they do for a living? what about that hat made them buy it?