Ask HN: If you used to be socially awkward and shy, how did you improve?

First of all, figure out what's "good for you" versus what's a societal expectation that you can skip. For instance, when I was younger, I didn't like going clubbing or taking dates to loud bars with groups of people, because that's...not me. Solution: go for coffee/lunch dates instead. Easy.

For things that are "good for you" but not comfortable, find ways to make them easier based on your known preferences. As an example, I decided that I wanted to go to some networking events. While there, I tried to talk to other people who were there by themselves; it was easier for me to strike up at 1:1 conversation than to try to join a big group. I also found that if I went to networking events alone, not with a friend, it was easier to meet people.

Your preferences may be different, but play to your strengths or the things you already know you can do, and build from there.

What makes you confident? The answer, for me at least, is "feeling like I'm good at the thing that matters."

I was awkward in middle school- I didn't understand the general social dynamic. I was "too smart" and didn't fit in. In high school I started working out, started going to parties, suddenly realized that the opposite sex was attracted to me, too- and became very confident.

I was therefore confident in college... but became awkward halfway through. I wasn't making good grades in my EE courses- I had never learned how to study! I was now the opposite of "too smart". I started smoking too much weed and became reclusive. I went through a number of girlfriends and hurt some friendships. I was now back to being awkward.

This didn't change until I graduated and got a job. At that point I was probably the MOST awkward I have ever felt. I didn't know what I was doing at work (electric utility). I was losing touch with friends. I broke up with my long-term girlfriend. This all changed when... yep, you guessed it, I got good at work. I also met an amazing woman (who I am now married to) who really helped me build my emotional intelligence. I am now confident in my life.

So what I've learned, for me at least, is my confidence is a function of if I'm thriving in the environment I find myself in. If you are in a toxic environment- get out. If you're not fit for your environment- get good. I really do think it is just that simple.

That being said, I'm a lot less introverted when I have a job to do. If I'm at a party with 50 people, I'm going to be against the wall, hanging out with 2-3 people, and facing the entrances/exits. But if I have to train 50 people? I'll do what I need to do. I still prefer not to have my back to the entrance/exit, but I can be an engaging speaker. When I have a job to do.

If you find that anxiety really negatively impacts your life, cognitive behavioral therapy can help.