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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#521

Post by arikrahman »

drojas wrote: post #450

I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a…

I agree with the Christian group sentinment with certain caveats. They can be clique-y, but if you can find your niche, and it'll be the best time of your life. Also, most "non-denominational" groups do funnel into an ideology, mainly Pentecostal, so be aware about that.

The rabbit hole goes deep, and it will be a fulfilling journey, with all its ups and downs. I won't claim it to be your particular panacea, so I won't force it, and won't judge your response. After all "you know how judgemental christians can be!" - Moral Orel

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#522

Post by rozumem »

Many people have mentioned gym. I second that wholeheartedly. Running, especially has improved my mental health considerably. Also, writing. Maybe start by writing about all the times you wished you were alone and how that will now be possible :)

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#523

Post by un-diletante »

butILoveLife wrote: post #454
drojas wrote: post #450

I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a…

The God thing is only temporary though. At some point you will seek Truth and the world will collapse on you.. Not only will you have an existential crisis, but your friend group will begin to shy away from you. But otherwise I basically agree. I think God is great for you in the psychological short term. Machiavelli to Dostoevsky agree.

[dead]

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#524

Post by impendia »

Personally, I've enjoyed classes in yoga and in group fitness.

This has several advantages: exercise is obviously good for you, and you can meet people while you're there. But more subtly, once you show up, someone is constantly telling you what to do. For me, this has meant much less of a drain on my mental energy and discipline than if I tried to work out on my own.

Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#525

Post by impendia »

geooff_ wrote: post #224
geooff_ wrote: post #116

I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like. Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing. Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of l…

One other thought to drill deeper into regarding lingering. I'm the type of guy that always moves with purpose. When I'm done doing something, I'm quick to leave. Looking back on my life so far, I think this has often been mistaken as antisocial. Every event involving humans is default social. Leaving quickly precludes much of life's social whimsy.

Definitely agreed!

When I started my Ph.D. program, there was a weekly seminar that I started going to. At first, I instinctively left each week immediately after the talk was over. But I noticed that a lot of people would hang around afterwards and chat. Even though I found it a bit awkward, I started following their lead -- a habit I'm very glad I developed!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#526

Post by markdoubleyou »

busterarm wrote: post #509
gwbas1c wrote: post #400

Once I graduated from school, I found it hard to make friends. My mid-20s were very lonely when I moved for work. A few things I did: I periodically had roommates. This wasn't the same experience as a college roommate, but at the time it helped with the loneliness. I started going to tech meetups. (I lived in Silicon Valley.) This ultimately was where I met most of my friends. (When I worked from home,) I would occas…

I was surprised not to see the roommate suggestion more in this thread. I guess it's highly dependent on where you're at culturally, as I can think of many regions where this wouldn't be normal. After ~15 years of living alone I just took on a new roommate myself in my 40s. It's a friend of a family member who is half my age and needed a better living situation. I'm in a house that's too big for me and this kinda wor…

Agreed, roommates were huge for me before I started a family. I have a strong tendency to become a hermit, and having another human in the vicinity is just enough healthy social pressure to snap me out of it. Forces me to wash the dishes and do normal human things.

Also very important for me: I always have some decent clothes hanging in my closet that are washed, prepped and ready to go for various situations. Not having something nice to wear for a last-minute social event is a massive source of friction, but if I can easily throw on some clothes that I feel good about then it really dials up my enthusiasm.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#527

Post by dostick »

drojas wrote: post #450

I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a…

So many replies about doing the religion group thing, and op saying “great psychiatrist put me on bunch of antidepressants”, obviously this is U.S. centric. And optimistic in this way. I don’t see anyone not from U.S. replying and maybe it’s irrelevant, but think about it - maybe this is the end and you just counting the days until the end and nothing is coming, you will not meet anybody.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#528

Post by rfc3092 »

bko wrote: post #514
otterley wrote: post #440

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family. You misunderstood the point. The GP isn’t saying you shouldn’t do that. They’re saying that if you find yourself in the position where you don’t have mutual love for one another, the relationship could be worse for the both of you than if you were both alone. > I don't know what…

The person quotes his or her qualifications as being single for 20 years, as though that's a qualification. It was 100% about long term coping mechanisms for persistent loneliness and drifting in life. Why would you want to model that?

I agree I am not a good role model for marital advice. That is why I am not giving any. All my advice is about self-care when your only company on vacation is, for whatever reason, a cat and PlayStation controller.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#529

Post by ganban »

The cheapest way is to get out of the house and take a walk and visit shops or crowded places and just hang out. Don't think too much since most of them turns out to be wrong. Practice drawing / gardening. Read books. Go to local meetings and enjoy. Music helps. Keep doing some simple physical activities like cleaning house or anything that keeps you occupied. Give priority to mental health. Everyone of us deserves to live peacefully.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#530

Post by rfc3092 »

bko wrote: post #407
rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard. The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most d…

You’re not wrong. But the “advice” to find someone or “get out of relationship” is never helpful. It is “find a job” kinda one if you don’t understand why.

I hope you’ll find a different way to support your kids if they ever get in a dark and lonely place.

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