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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#501

Post by rfc3092 »

jamespo wrote: post #424
rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

Were you in full time employment whilst doing all this?

Yes. Lonely people have a lot of time. It is rarely an issue. Motivation is.

OP complains about dreadful 60 hours and not about being too busy. I can relate.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#502

Post by rfc3092 »

ravishi wrote: post #402
rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

gym everyday: I found great success with Pilates. It's usually me + 2-3 other people and the instructor. There's chatting during the session after you become regular. You get to have some social life while exercising. It also helps tremendously with posture, specially for someone who spends all his day in a chair. It's still hard to do sometimes, like in stronger depressive episodes. But it's way easier than gym at l…

It really surprises me how entrenched the idea of “gym” is in everyone’s mind. For me Pilates studio is a gym too. Maybe this is a “transcontinental” thing?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#503

Post by kylehotchkiss »

drojas wrote: post #450

I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a…

Nice to see your experience. Finding a good church (note: very very difficult) and small group is the right answer for anybody OK with engaging with christian faith. For those who don't believe, it's harder to find a consistent community unfortunately - I wish there could be more secular equivalents of a church small group as I'd join one and would highly enjoy.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#505

Post by busterarm »

narag wrote: post #427
bko wrote: post #407

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard. The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most d…

I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. Congratulations.

Seriously. Not understanding what this means almost makes the reply worthless as the proper context just isn't there.

I was in two different relationships where my partner was trying to destroy me. One literally tried to murder me.

Being alone is so much better than that, it's not even close.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#506

Post by drojas »

kylehotchkiss wrote: post #503
drojas wrote: post #450

I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a…

Nice to see your experience. Finding a good church (note: very very difficult) and small group is the right answer for anybody OK with engaging with christian faith. For those who don't believe, it's harder to find a consistent community unfortunately - I wish there could be more secular equivalents of a church small group as I'd join one and would highly enjoy.

I agree 100% with this

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#507

Post by erikig »

RagnarD wrote: post #343

Try Meetup.com. It's unfortunately gone downhill in many ways, but there are still people using it. Search for in-person meetups in your area and if any look interesting, sign up and go to some events.

Yep, meetup.com, eventbrite.com and for the musically inclined residentadvisor.com and dice.fm.

The trick for me was to offer to help with the organization of the event, it is more rewarding and makes for more lasting connections.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#508

Post by mdnahas »

I don’t know what caused this, but I’m sure it’s painful. You have my sympathy.

I’ve come to a belief that emotions are a result of evolution. We have evolved drives to avoid death. And since humans get sick and injured, we can avoid death if we have the help of other humans to feed and protect ourselves. Being alone risks death. And our emotions have been evolved a drive that makes loneliness feel like a life-and-death situation.

So, feeling awful when alone is natural. I know that’s little immediate comfort, but it does give direction.

If you fear physical safety, you can get a dog for protection, train in martial arts (I like boxing), and get stronger. Or fortify your house/room.

If you fear being sick or injured, you can stockpile food and medicine.

And make friends.

If you want friends to protect you, find people who do protection everyday. Help a police charity. Go to a gym and meet buff people. Make friends at a group martial arts class. These protectors are usually men. If you’re scared of a particular group of people, go meet and talk to them - you may find they are less scary than you think.

If you want friends to take care of you when you’re sick or injured, find people who do this everyday. Nurses, social workers, etc. Volunteer with churches. Volunteer with food banks or meals on wheels. These helpers are usually women.

Meeting neighbors is good for both of these categories. Have a grill night and invite neighbors. I also like the idea of going to a coworking location, because you might find people similar to yourself and that makes the easiest connections.

Best of luck, Mike

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#509

Post by busterarm »

gwbas1c wrote: post #400

Once I graduated from school, I found it hard to make friends. My mid-20s were very lonely when I moved for work. A few things I did: I periodically had roommates. This wasn't the same experience as a college roommate, but at the time it helped with the loneliness. I started going to tech meetups. (I lived in Silicon Valley.) This ultimately was where I met most of my friends. (When I worked from home,) I would occas…

I was surprised not to see the roommate suggestion more in this thread.

I guess it's highly dependent on where you're at culturally, as I can think of many regions where this wouldn't be normal.

After ~15 years of living alone I just took on a new roommate myself in my 40s. It's a friend of a family member who is half my age and needed a better living situation. I'm in a house that's too big for me and this kinda works. I'm still adjusting and largely an introvert but this more than scratches my social itch and gives me an excuse to cook more/better food.

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