Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

51–60 of 96 posts

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#51

Post by dotancohen »

noduerme wrote: post #50
dotancohen wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd like to stress this: > On the other hand, consider yourself the bright spot in > the day for everyone who has no fucking clue what's going on. You've put into words the way I live. No matter how upset or angry I am, no matter how much traffic or rain was on my drive, no matter how much code was lost, I try to be the thing that people in my life look forward to. Always make other people feel better after talking t…

After looking you up, I wonder how much of this particular attitude is related to being Jewish. I sometimes feel like I'm refracting my family's misfortune in the Holocaust by making myself either unavoidably useful and friendly, or else unassailably logical. Maybe I tip too well.

Possibly.

I live amongst people who would slaughter me before knowing me, and in the vast majority of cases I make friends of them. I'm careful of course, but I feel that it is a risk that is important to take. Perhaps the desire to spread peace is a cultural trait that we don't even realize. In fact our everyday greeting is literally "peace".

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#53

Post by noduerme »

dotancohen wrote: post #51
noduerme wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After looking you up, I wonder how much of this particular attitude is related to being Jewish. I sometimes feel like I'm refracting my family's misfortune in the Holocaust by making myself either unavoidably useful and friendly, or else unassailably logical. Maybe I tip too well.

Possibly. I live amongst people who would slaughter me before knowing me, and in the vast majority of cases I make friends of them. I'm careful of course, but I feel that it is a risk that is important to take. Perhaps the desire to spread peace is a cultural trait that we don't even realize. In fact our everyday greeting is literally "peace".

heh. I've lived in Spain too. j/k. sort of. But actually I did live in Spain, and some of my best friends were Shia, Sunni and Druze, and our discussions over drinks would terrify the hell out of the Spanish or English seated nearby. And then we'd go get a shawarma. This is an attitude of making yourself relatable and human towards making friends and knowing people intimately - it's as a form of self defense, or just realism - that I seem preprogrammed to do. It's a nice part of my day, too. My grandfather never owned a gun. He had talked and romanced his way out of too many deadly situations. He believed being human to others was the only way to survive.

This whole internet of naifs is going towards a place where they're willing to slaughter before knowing each other, so it's helpful to have real world experience how to make friends.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#54

Post by rich_sasha »

I've been in the same boat. It's really, really tough, and even though it doesn't seem like it's even possible, it does get better.

Many things have already been said here, one I haven't seen is (basic!) Mindfulness - no psychotherapists or other psychos involved. Just self-paced, listen to a 5-min mp3 once or twice a day. This one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding... comes with a good free app (book is OK, but written by a professional, so not airy-fairy).

Unlike my vegan childless friends, I don't have the time to go on retreats or walk barefoot on moist grass, but I do have 5 mins to breathe in peace, in work breaks for instance. I'm not sold on Mindfulness as a cure for everything from obesity to cancer, but it sure helped me gain a new perspective on life.

The basic premise is, our minds have an autopilot of thought tape. These thoughts tend to gravitate to negative, angry, protective thoughts and emotions. It's not that hard to break that loop though. This "stream of consciousness" is not objective, but rather a very biased resampling of our experiences. With minimal training, you can recognise it and refocus it.

For example, I used to often fume about work annoyances on my way home from work, thinking about e-mails I received, or what I'd respond next time, etc. With some Mindfulness under my belt, I can just switch it off. Look out the window of the bus and genuinely enjoy not changing nappies right now. Or when that infuriating guy from sales sends you another e-mail, and your brain serves you the many angry memories of past interactions, recognise that, separate the memories from the e-mail that really just needs an "ok, I'll look into it" response, and you can get on with your life.

It doesn't make the world an easier place for you, but it helps you focus on the good bits that are already there. As a new parent, you probably don't have the time (or sufficient sleep) to pick up a new hobby, but 5 mins most days is feasible. And, chances are, you might discover there are nice moments in the day, when your mind isn't flooding you with memories of the bad stuff.

That, and also: when we had 1 child, my wife and I tried to look after them together, always. We now figured having some "you time", as others say, is invaluable. 2 hrs of looking after a child on your own, plus 2 hrs of time to yourself, is a huge difference. Just sit and chill and watch Netflix if that's your thing. Or do the weight lifting / running / skydiving in that time. Did wonders for me.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#56

Post by MrPatan »

solididiot wrote: post #35
naveen99 wrote: post #14

Go for a 5-10 minute walk every time you have to pee. Watch some youtube videos to learn something. if doing something causes problems, don’t repeat it. Don’t fight reality, get better at predicting it.

> if doing something causes problems, don’t repeat it. I've quit most of it but e.g. I cannot quit driving.

Maybe you can! Take an uber every now and then instead of driving yourself. Let somebody else deal with the traffic.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#57

Post by ss108 »

To be blunt: what kind of grown man has "meltdowns"? Like...wtf lol

Your comment about the "arrogance" of psychotherapy is telling. If you think it's ineffective, then fine (though CBT is on-point for your use-case). But that's not what quite you're saying.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#58

Post by willcipriano »

I was in a similar spot up until a few weeks ago honestly and came to a realization.

It's a good time to let the stresses of life impact the job more than your family relations. Money is relatively easy to get right now, but real human connections are almost impossible. I've personally decided to put in a lot more effort at home because I have found my efforts are rewarded there, with your dead in the water job I'll bet it's the same for you.

That is a matter of attitude, but for practical tips. Is the kid out of your bedroom yet? Sleeping through the night? That's the next thing on your list if not. Then spend some money on your bedding, make the bedroom a inviting place that you are excited to spend time in. I put a huge TV on the wall, everybody says you shouldn't do that but the best part of my day is laying in bed with my wife and joking about stupid YouTube videos. I put a vase on the night stand and pick up flowers when I'm grocery shopping. Put in the effort. You need some time together to be grown ups without the stresses of a child, make a space for it and time for it. Spending time with your partner is the most important thing you do all day. Can you get a babysitter? If you can, take her (making a assumption there, but I imagine this works if you are married to a dude as well) out even if you don't feel like it.

Also consider how you are splitting the child care, are you doing your part? Having a resentful and stressed out partner isn't going to make you more relaxed. You need to take care of each other, and draw upon each others strength. Being a good dad is often getting the short end of the stick, let what doesn't matter slide when it comes to people who love you.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#59

Post by ivraatiems »

Given the impact of these symptoms on your life, you have a problem that's likely beyond the ability of the well-intentioned people on the internet to fully help.

Refusing to seek psychotherapy for this situation is like refusing to fix a hole in your tailpipe because you don't trust mechanics. Eventually, it'll rust through and fall off, and you won't have a choice but to fix it... for more money and time.

That is to say, your option is to seek professional help now, while this is a solvable problem, or to wait until things get worse and you don't have a choice. Have you considered what will happen if and when your "meltdowns" escalate to the point where you can't apologize your way out of them? Or, worse, where you are not able to pull yourself out?

You should consider seeking a psychiatrist or physician with experience prescribing psychiatric medication, but be ready for them to refuse to help you unless you commit to talk therapy of some kind also. Be aware that there are dozens of therapeutic modalities that are all different - your previous experience with therapy is unlikely to cover them all. You might have to go through multiple professional people before you find one that will fit what you need.

Re: Ask HN: How do you manage or avoid meltdowns?

#60

Post by Ensorceled »

noduerme wrote: post #48
Ensorceled wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, you will encounter arrogance in all those professions. Just as often a professional will be called "arrogant" for telling us what we don't want to hear. My dad's cardiologist is one of the best doctors I've ever encountered. His online ratings are all over the place and MOST of the low ranking patients were calling him "arrogant" and "terrible bedside manner".

There are a lot of great diagnosticians who are lousy human beings. If I need an x-ray I'll see that guy. If I'm going under a scalpel I'd rather have a kid who gives a shit and still values life. The kid's probably more arrogant than the old man, too. But he's got to earn it.

Some of the best surgeons, the ones with the best patient outcomes, are high functioning sociopaths.

But that is orthogonal to my point, a lot of doctors, lawyers, etc. are not any more arrogant than the average person; they just get labelled that way because people don't like being told they are wrong or getting bad news.

Post reply on HN