Ask HN: How to be alone? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#441

Post by otterley » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:31 PM UTC

bko wrote: post #410

I guess no one is going to say the obvious, so I'll bite. Find someone else, make this a top priority. Forget online dating, just go out and try to make connections. Make this a top priority, much like trying to find a new job. The rest of the people giving you coping mechanisms is just slop. Most people aren't meant to be alone. You sound like one of these people. You're looking for life hacks to deal with something…

I think the poster is looking for temporary coping advice, not advice on how to be alone forever.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#442

Post by no_input » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:32 PM UTC

heyitsdaad wrote: post #429

That’s too young to get married. You never learned to be alone. Embrace the fact that this is an opportunity: The wall is now empty, you can draw anything you want! Focus on yourself : Read books, go to gym, eat healthy/cook To socialize : meetup or equivalent, sports with people/hike Do not date. Do not get on apps. Do not hook up. Minimize drinking. Read psychology and philosophy. Do not read self improvement books…

One shouldn't hate too much on self-improvement books. There are tons of good ones out there. Inversely, there is a lot of garbage psychology and philosophy material out there as well.

The key here should be to do research. Thoughtfully pick out what you should read to expand your mind in a positive direction.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#443

Post by KellyCriterion » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:33 PM UTC

hirvi74 wrote: post #245

sublinear wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Before considering medication for mental health, I have to wheel out the usual old advice: sometimes it can be as simple as diet and exercise. The fundamentals really should not be overlooked when thinking about any medication for long term care. I found out my anxiety symptoms were actually caused by my A1C being in diabetic territory (8%). High blood glucose has a direct impact on the brain and blood vessels. Rando…

I concur. I am finally starting to snap out of a multi-year long depression spell myself. Now, I did not alter my diet nor exercise more. I drink the same amount as I did prior. However, blood work showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D. So, I added some herculean dosage of fish-oil and prescription Vitamin-D to my life. After about 3 months or so, I am really starting to feel much better and I am starting to notice mor…

> showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D

my problem, but cant fix it :-(

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#444

Post by kordlessagain » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:36 PM UTC

First off, what does your taper schedule look like for your meds? Are you planning on going off them or are you planning on staying on them? If you are staying on them, how long are you going to stay on them?

Medicine is for CURING things, not dependency. Dependency comes from taking drugs regularly, not medicine, which is taken until you are cured. So, are these drugs for you or are they medicine?

A Psychiatrist is not a personal councilor. They are there to "treat" your "disease" with meds/drugs. I had one for a hot minute and left after 2 sessions. Get a grief councilor that is the same gender as you. If I could go back I would change that part.

I'll be even more direct here. If you can't handle the pain of correction in your life now, you will surely handle it later on, at the cost of your youth and energy. The likelihood of you falling back in with someone toxic is going to be quite high if you don't get cleaned up and sober. So, make a commitment you will see this "being alone" thing through until you get happy.

An old friend once told me (when we were young) that he felt he needed to be happy alone before he could be happy with someone. I agree with this assertion. If you rely on a relationship, or person, to be happy (or experience happiness through them in the fog of meds) then you've already set yourself up for failure.

Lastly, be accountable. If you can figure out what you did wrong in the last relationship (and that can simply be STAYING with someone toxic) then you're setting yourself up for success.

Accountably is also realizing that the answer is within you. By looking outside of yourself, you avoid the harsh inner truths. Go to church if you don't want to directly address these. Go to the desert if you do.

And by all means, avoid alternate medications until you get off the ones you are on.

Good luck. You'll need grit to get through this, but you will get through it eventually.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#445

Post by dekleinewolf » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:39 PM UTC

Hiya,

I'm 39 and divorced 3 years ago.

For me, my saviour was my 'third place'. I have frequented a spot since I was 18 where I can basically go any evening and there will be friends I know that I can chat with any time I need it. It makes not having a partner so, so much better.

And I also missed talking about the random small things in my day that no one except my partner really cares about. I deal with it by partly suppresing it, but I've also just decided that occasionally whomever comes into my path, be that a coworker or a friend or a family member will have to deal with it :). (Making sure I don't overload specific people to much). But the coworker right next to me at work definitely gets more little details from my private life than he would if I had a partner, and he happily deals with it :).

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#446

Post by notlenin » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:39 PM UTC

> One is that when I have something to say about my day, there's nowhere to say it; no one on HN cares whether I fixed up the blinds or cooked pork steaks. I hang out in an IRC chatroom for that, but sometimes nobody's around for hours.

I really recommend keeping a journal to help with this.

I've been living alone for the past decade+, and journaling is a great way to express things that matter to you but others might not care about.

Also, learn to be friends with yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to yourself sometimes, it helps :)

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#447

Post by notlenin » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:42 PM UTC

vablings wrote: post #436

noosphr wrote: post #368

Earlier quoted context omitted.

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. Do you people even go to the gym at all? You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40. Edit: after seeing…

gym every day is fine with good load management. You should not be thrashing yourself to the max on a daily routine.

yes, strong agree.

I'm personally happiest on two heavy lifting days with snatch, cleans and front squats, and then just lots of walking, handstands and some empty barbell work at home on other days.

I've tried to go harder, but doing heavy snatches 4x/week just exhausts me without increasing strength.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#448

Post by JCharante » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:42 PM UTC

I experienced living with a host family to transitioning to living alone in that same foreign country where I even had language barriers. I would advise you to get into cycling, it's a very social sport that you can do alone too. Otherwise something like pickleball would be good too. Sorry for keeping this comment short, I have a deadline.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#449

Post by dmos62 » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:47 PM UTC

dekleinewolf wrote: post #445

Hiya, I'm 39 and divorced 3 years ago. For me, my saviour was my 'third place'. I have frequented a spot since I was 18 where I can basically go any evening and there will be friends I know that I can chat with any time I need it. It makes not having a partner so, so much better. And I also missed talking about the random small things in my day that no one except my partner really cares about. I deal with it by partl…

What's your third place, if you don't mind telling?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#450

Post by drojas » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 2:48 PM UTC

I would NOT recommend dating apps, you will most likely not find a real connection there and given the circumstances it might give you anxiety you don't need. I have had a similar path and situation lately and some things that have helped me are group activities like playing sports (I play soccer), group gym activities (I attend a strength and conditioning class) and most recently Bible study (I became friends with a Christian group of my area and attend their meetings now). Developing a relationship with God has been a huge upgrade for my life which is hard to put into words, but we also need human contact, and I was praying for that for me last night and this morning before reading this. I will also pray for you to find someone with whom you can share your life forever and never be alone again. If I could only recommend one thing I would say start with exercise, preferably a group. You'd be amazed by how much it can help to cope with loneliness and how much it helps to improve mental health in general. God bless you.