Ask HN: Advice about aging parents

Macabre tangent warning. Related to this, and having seen several cases where elderly people had very unhappy end years for various reasons (dementia, incapacity, etc.) I am starting to wonder not for our parents bur for myself - how could I make sure I don't live past the point where I stop adding value and become a drain. It's an interesting engineering problem. Presumably this would be when I lose mental capacity to make certain decisions, so it would need to be some kind of automated dead-man switch type mechanism, that is undetectable so the descendants can have a warm and fuzzy "grandpa went in his sleep" type experience, instead of "grandpa hung himself" or "grandpa pressed the accelerator instead of brake by accident."

Maybe an implant that needs to be re-armed every month or so, and if not it releases some toxin that causes a natural-seeming shutdown. Or ironclad ream of paperwork to make sure plugs get pulled.

I don't know your specific situation (location, financials, etc) so I can't share specific advice, but will share what we experienced with my grandparents.

My grandparents lived to be 94 + 95. One of the biggest improvements for them and us was hiring in-home help aid as they aged. Someone to do laundry, cook a good meal, clean up a bit, etc. It took a lot of the time commitment off my parents to constantly be making sure they were ok. Not to mention it gave my grandparents some much needed social interaction outside of our core family.

Another important factor was attempting to get their financials in order before they passed away and became incapacitated. After some review, we found some... shady accounting from a family member who was managing their affairs without much oversight. I'm not sure who is handling your parent's finances or if you have other family members, but once money is involved, people can get weird about inheritance. I've experienced and heard multiple horror stories about families breaking apart because of mismanaged finances.

I'd also recommend keeping your parents moving, and trying to keep their brains engaged. Bodily health is a vicious cycle once you lose muscle mass. Falls are also a huge issue for elderly people. YMMV, but installing smart speakers in each room of their house that they can use their voice to call for help in an emergency after a fall might be smart. We tried to get a life alert bracelet for my grandmother, but she always took it off. You'd have to train them to use it, but it sounds like your parents are tech savvy enough to get it. My grandparents missed the window for learning how to use the internet, so Alexa was tough. My brother actually took this funny video which got featured on a few meme sites of my grandparents trying to use Alexa: https://www.rightthisminute.com/video/rtmtv-grandpa-doesnt-g...

Finally, I'm going to plug my older brother's service, nanagram.co. It allows you to sms photos to a phone number that get printed and shipped to your loved ones in the mail each month. He built it to get photos to my grandparents without the internet. It won't fix the core problems you're describing, but can be a convenient way to give older people something nostalgic to look forward to each month, especially if it's pictures of their grandkids in the mail that they haven't seen on a photo stream.

Full disclosure re: Nanagram - I helped get the product off the ground, but am not involved anymore. Just a proud younger brother sharing a relevant service.

[Update] Another thing you should do is record their stories sooner rather than later. Using old photos as a story prompt is a good way to get the synapses firing on old memories. Once they pass away, all that history in their heads is gone, but it's easy to document some of it with video nowadays. If I'm missing my grandparents, watching old video of them and hearing their voice also really cheers me up.

[Edit - grammar/typos]

Falling has worse outcomes than the immediate ones. Both my parents passed away after a chain of events that began with a low-speed fall just onto the floor that damaged their lower body. The resulting incapacity and muscular wastage led to a multitude of issues that I don't want to go into but I would say that keeping elderly people safe from falls is extremely important. That and diet and healthcare. Activity is crucial, but done safely.

Assisted suicide is becoming more accepted as an option for the elderly. I suspect that some day it will be as normal our current options for extending life.

I for one would rather die on my own time, surrounded by family when my quality of life declines, rather than clinging on to a miserable existence.

My mum is 63 and single and almost no friends left. I can assure you I am worried of how the next 37 years will be for me as the closest family member.

Advice from this thread which I will employ:

- I will hire helpers to do chores

- I will hire helpers to do larger things like lifting heavy stuff, ie. when buying a new fridge

- I will hire helpers to do gardening chores

- I will go to see a psychologist

There is a tendency to need help for everything, when it could be solved on her own volition. This will not scale into the future. Therefore I will hire helpers. I will need to deal with this situation which will degrade, so I'll see a psychologist.

Thanks, good thread!