Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?

#41

Post by roselleebarle » Thu, Feb 20, 2020, 3:40 AM UTC

muzani wrote: post #5

If you have to ask, it's usually best not to confront them directly. People who act this way are ready, even eager to get into a fight. Sort of like fighting a bigger person, you want to disarm them. A standard tactic is to be genuinely nice to them. You don't have to like them, but being polite makes them look worse when they are not. You can even be generous to them. This might actually give you some insight to why…

I agree with this.

I've read an article that toxic coworkers actually do affect performance so I know this is hard.

But, in my experience, I wasn't exactly NICE but I was genuinely trying to be helpful, and sensitive to whatever the team needs. In the end, all I got was respect not only from him but from the team, which is the only thing I need.

Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?

#42

Post by d--b » Thu, Feb 20, 2020, 3:40 AM UTC

sethammons wrote: post #24

d--b wrote: post #11

Talk to other co-workers you trust about how you feel about the guy. If you find 3-4 people who feel like you feel, just arrange to go together to your manager, and ask that this person be fired (don’t settle for less). If you’re ready to quit over this, it doesn’t matter if the process backfires. But if the process doesn’t work, go to the boss of your boss and HR. A toxic work environment is very detrimental to prod…

The "toxic" person sounds like someone who needs coaching on how to interact with folks. Your immediate reaction is to insist on their termination. You may want to reflect on that.

My view is that he needs coaching for his next job. I think that the relationship would turn sour if the manager hints that people complained about the person’s behavior.

Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?

#43

Post by Prawnz » Thu, Feb 20, 2020, 8:34 AM UTC

scarejunba wrote: post #8

Tell your manager. Wait four weeks for effect. You may ask for progress reports if there is no improvement. Leave.

This is the best option really, it's the manager's job to correct behavior and there are lots of jobs out there where you don't have to deal with that.

Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?

#44

Post by muzani » Thu, Feb 20, 2020, 3:28 PM UTC

throwaheyy wrote: post #38

muzani wrote: post #5

If you have to ask, it's usually best not to confront them directly. People who act this way are ready, even eager to get into a fight. Sort of like fighting a bigger person, you want to disarm them. A standard tactic is to be genuinely nice to them. You don't have to like them, but being polite makes them look worse when they are not. You can even be generous to them. This might actually give you some insight to why…

Appeasement only works if they're acting in good faith. If they're actually intending to bully, trying to appease them is just handing over more power.

Friendliness is not necessarily appeasement.

Many bullies bully as a way of taking control. They tend to pick easy targets that won't have consequences. Normally it's backed with some moral shield, which is why bullies tend to pick on anti-vax, vegans, animal haters, people who say dumb things on social media, people who store passwords in plaintext, tyrants, people with messy code.

A bully will pick on an unpopular manager, but not a well-liked one. But they'll only do this if they believe they'd be backed.

The trick is to be nice as a way to show that you don't fear them. Don't give them your lunch, but sharing a slice of fruit is fair. It's also very difficult for them to bully someone who is well-liked.

Appeasement might reinforce that you are an easy, no-consequences target. Forced niceness is just as bad. But something like thanking them for correcting you, or for finishing a task, that's fine.

Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?

#45

Post by corobo » Fri, Feb 21, 2020, 1:06 AM UTC

sergiotapia wrote: post #34

corobo wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"You misunderstand. I'm struggling to understand your point because you've made it in a way that focuses more on challenging my intelligence than making yours known." and if he retorts that one in the same way just key his car or something.

Lol this isn’t downton abbey - this is an incredibly weak response and you will come off looking weak and unhinged. Just be straight with the man. You’re being an asshole and I’m sick of it.

I'd look unhinged keying someone's car because they did a thumbs down emoji on my pull request? Please, do tell me more. :P

Word it in whatever way you want, that was just an off the top of my head example.

Re: Ask HN: How do you handle toxic coworkers?

#46

Post by sethammons » Fri, Feb 21, 2020, 1:18 PM UTC

d--b wrote: post #42

sethammons wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The "toxic" person sounds like someone who needs coaching on how to interact with folks. Your immediate reaction is to insist on their termination. You may want to reflect on that.

My view is that he needs coaching for his next job. I think that the relationship would turn sour if the manager hints that people complained about the person’s behavior.

I know of a dozen counter examples where behavior has been addressed and improved. Several who then went on to be highly valuable to the org. Some people are illequiped to incorporate feedback and improve, and those will have to seek employment elsewhere. It seems an odd choice to me to not give someone who is already within the org a chance to improve and to prefer bringing in an unknown new person to replace them. This case did not come across (to me at least) as something unfixable. This is not a dangerous person, this is a person with communication issues.