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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#341

Post by mapcars »

The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not.

We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound lives and were socially alone.

Once you realize it - the problem is gone, or rather you see that there was no problem, just a certain conditioning by society which you grew up in. What can help here are not psychological nonsence, but some meditations definitely push you towards this (and other types of) realisation.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#342

Post by znpy »

Oh, man. I feel you, i feel you so much.

I’ve gone through pretty nuch the same.

First things first… it’s gonna take time, to start feeling life normal again. It’s better if you already know about this beforehand. For me it was 1.5-2 years ago.

Talk to a psychologist. It’s good to be able to talk to somebody that is literally trained in helping you go through the pain of the trauma.

Go to the gym. It’s almost a meme, but trust me it works. It fucking works.

Start dieting along with the gym. Trust me, seeing yourself thinner and more tonic does help a lot.

I’m not sure what to advice about dating. I tried to date at the beginning but i quickly realised i was just trying to fill a void, and that just doesn’t work. Nowadays i managed to find my equilibrium, still single but i realised i got much more picky regarding women.

Do social stuff. For me it’s been a language course for a while (underwhelming, to be honest) and nowadays piano lessons.

Btw: stay away from the dating apps. They just don’t work, it’s an awful waste of time.

Good luck man!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#343

Post by RagnarD »

Try Meetup.com. It's unfortunately gone downhill in many ways, but there are still people using it. Search for in-person meetups in your area and if any look interesting, sign up and go to some events.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#344

Post by seedie »

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

Great advice, but don't treat it as a checklist. If you like to go to the gym, do it. If not don't do it, leave alone every day.

Your focus should not be in improving yourself and being the best you can be. It's about getting to know yourself better.

What is it that you enjoy. And if you don't know, now's the time to find out. Maybe it's going to the gym, maybe it's finding a great breakfast place. Sitting there, having breakfast, being around other people.

Finding activities that you enjoy doing outdoors, bonus points.

You've already done the first step in asking for advice. Even though it might sound neglectible, that's a great achievement. So many people suffer from depression and have a hard time to take this first step. Congratulations!

Get out there try things, learn who you are. Maybe there's this thing that you always wanted to do places you always wanted to see. Now is the best time to do it. And if there's no such thing, you've been given a great list of things to try.

Best luck to you in this new phase of life!

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#345

Post by OJFord »

Are you in an area where not working remote is an option? The banter and camaraderie of an office and common timezone might give the social fill you need, and make the time alone at home that's left a pleasant change.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#346

Post by alansaber »

mapcars wrote: post #341

The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not. We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound li…

Disagree completely. All the most substantive experiences and memories of ones life happen within groups. Born alone die alone is reductive given each person only has fragments of information and insight individually, so we spend most our time together in some form

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#347

Post by sva_ »

arowthway wrote: post #327
geooff_ wrote: post #116

I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like. Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing. Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of l…

"With repetition, it's very easy to make new friends."* *Assuming you possess the necessary social skills. I've trained BJJ consistently for over 4 years now. I think fondly of all the people there and feel accepted, but we barely talk, and I'm unable to participate in the locker room camaraderie. This is probably not a problem OP has, I just felt the need to complain.

The other people probably just think of you as some stoic guy and respect you for that

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#349

Post by shlant »

mapcars wrote: post #341

The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not. We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound li…

you think humans don't like being alone because they are conditioned to feel that way? And you can just be ok with being alone when you realize this?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#350

Post by mrcincinnatus »

ventricity wrote: post #326
GLjEI4YbnGD27LB wrote: post #303

I see a lot of good advice here, and I'm going to be late but approach it from a different angle. If you've spent so much time with your spouse around, and now you're at home alone, and you're working remote, then you are going to need a lot of socialising outside of work, because remote work does not meet the same needs for seeing people in person (I've been there). Humans are social animals, we need some interactio…

Yes, I very much agree. I think it is irresponsible to take antidepressants for something that is clearly an issue of "normal" life scenarios like hearthbreak and loneliness. It is normal, but also very much fixable by gradually putting yourself out there.

Yes, that shrink of yours is doing you a disservice giving you meds. Not all negative emotions need to be suppressed with medication. Life has its ups and downs, and drugging yourself out of the bad states will not make the sadness go away, it will only turn you numb to it, making you less empathetic to suffering in general. Instead, what I would do is try to have as much human contact as you can, talk to anyone, with the lady from the grocery store, with the foreign african guy from the elevator. Carry that extra box for the delivery guy that seems to struggle nad is having a hard day. Just experience Life. You will see how similar we are to each other, how we suffer and smile, how we despair and hope. Try to build a network of support around you and don't forget that what people remember about you is how you make them feel. Life is not some multidimentional functions with parameters that needs to be optimized. Life just is. So live it.
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