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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#311

Post by uxcolumbo »

wonderwonder wrote: post #310
uxcolumbo wrote: post #304

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great comment. Indeed it's not black and white. And yes... live together for 3-5 years or so and then get married if you want. I wouldn't rush it. > When I left software development for 5 years What did you do? Freelancing or left software dev in those years? Was it easy to get back into it?

I left software completely. I had to get out. Every software job I have ever had results in me working 60+ hours a week, often more. I took a random office job at my wife's very large company. I was able to leverage my tech skills and excel. Got promoted very quickly. The main difference at least fore is when you leave the non tech job for the day or the weekend, it's gone. No need to think about it. Software is diff…

Those damn golden handcuffs ;) … lucky to have that problem, but still… burnout / boreout is no fun.

I’m in a similar position as you, thinking about pivoting to something else for a while, but hesitant to make the jump because of economic uncertainty.

Thanks for the insight.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#312

Post by thorin »

wonderwonder wrote: post #214
ianai wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Losing half of their wealth and honestly rolling the dice on whether a new relationship would be with someone who would be with them through thick and thin or just another “fair weather friend.”

If you are in a relationship with someone where the concern is losing half your wealth after 20 years together then I would advise not marrying that person. I make about double what my wife makes. If tomorrow she said, I want a divorce, then she can take half of what we saved over the 20+ years together without any issue from me (assuming infidelity was not involved, if it was I would go scorched earth). Anything I e…

This isn't really how it works though. She would take AT LEAST half of what you currently have, including stuff you had before you met. You would also have some responsibility for providing for her and your children in the future at a similar standard of living to her current one. You would have pension liability and could lose part of your business if you have one. This could likely be the case even if she was unfaithful. Not meaning to preach, just some things that I found out after the fact, that I never thought about when "young and in love".

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#313

Post by aristofun »

Stop wining and looking for external approval (be it your shrink, your GF or HN community)! The only thing you need is your own approval of yourself.

It’s not as eas as to say about it. But totally doable if youre honest with yourself and set up such an intention.

I know what Im talking about. Iv been in the shoes similar to yours. Including phd thing.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#314

Post by carlosjobim »

justinclift wrote: post #275
carlosjobim wrote: post #255

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There exists no society at all without marriage. The reason marriage is absolute central in all cultures and civilization is not because it's been forced onto people by bad men or because people think it's better, the reason is that cultures or people who don't practice marriage die out quickly.

To be clear, are you meaning strictly 1-to-1 "marriage", or are any of the many-to-one marriage types (poly, whatever) included? Am curious, as the Saudi's seems to be "going ok" (for the males) with their harem approach. Not so much for the females I guess (no idea). That being said, their society seems to have lasted that way for a fair while now.

Marriage as a woman belongs to only one man and that man in turn has a duty to protect and support her and their children.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#315

Post by cynusx »

bjornsing wrote: post #251
cynusx wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Victim blaming is completely different, that's saying that you deserved to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused. There is a longitudinal study on PTSD cases that investigated why only 35% of people suffer PTSD while some of their colleagues go to similar events and while going through trauma processing, bounce back after some time. The main finding was that many of them found helpful frames of references to manage…

I’m not saying it’s exactly victim blaming, but it’s pretty close: you are attributing the cause of somebody’s misery to them, instead of the person that abused them. Try the same line of reasoning with physical abuse and you will hopefully feel less certain. E.g. why does one person fall, hit their head badly and become paralyzed, while another could just shake off the same punch? And if you met somebody who had bee…

The choice is obviously not on being abused. The choice is on moving past it and taking a positive outlook going forward rather than keep looking backward at the injustice that happened to you.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#316

Post by Schroedingers2c »

Syntonicles wrote: post #186

I was in a situation many years back that was similar in feeling but varied in circumstance. The sense of loss, worthlessness, lack of control, lack of agency, stress and isolation is an incredibly potent mix. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of them at once. It is overwhelming. My own emotional lows are cyclical and I've had to bounce back several times. At different stages in life my approach to doing so has varie…

Thanks for the elaborate advice!

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#317

Post by starkd »

tharkun__ wrote: post #234
starkd wrote: post #187

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can see how that approach would be attractive, since it is more convenient. But there is a cultural significance to ritual that makes life events more meaningful, and hence, more durable. If you don't treat it as a life-ling treatment, there is less of a chance you will treat it as such for 50 years.

I can see how the corset of tradition, social pressure and law can make marriage "more durable" of course. If you're facing eternal damnation and being ousted from the only social circle you know unless you marry before ever having sex and everyone around you does the exact same thing then of course many if not most people will endure all but the very worst marriages. I'm glad this is finally past us in at least some…

Its not just the "corset of tradition" or social pressure. I mean rituals themselves have a psychological value. Kind of like how membership in an organization is made more durable by initiation ceremonies. Without those ceremonies, members tend to float away because they percieve less value in belonging.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#318

Post by ipaddr »

thorin wrote: post #312
wonderwonder wrote: post #214

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are in a relationship with someone where the concern is losing half your wealth after 20 years together then I would advise not marrying that person. I make about double what my wife makes. If tomorrow she said, I want a divorce, then she can take half of what we saved over the 20+ years together without any issue from me (assuming infidelity was not involved, if it was I would go scorched earth). Anything I e…

This isn't really how it works though. She would take AT LEAST half of what you currently have, including stuff you had before you met. You would also have some responsibility for providing for her and your children in the future at a similar standard of living to her current one. You would have pension liability and could lose part of your business if you have one. This could likely be the case even if she was unfai…

And you get to take her stuff. If those are your fears marry for risk aversion. Marry someone who makes more money and has more stuff. You have to support your kids regardless if you are with someone or not. What does unfaithfulness matter in terms when dividing property. The unfaithfulness led to the divorce isn't that enough?

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#319

Post by bjornsing »

cynusx wrote: post #315
bjornsing wrote: post #251

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m not saying it’s exactly victim blaming, but it’s pretty close: you are attributing the cause of somebody’s misery to them, instead of the person that abused them. Try the same line of reasoning with physical abuse and you will hopefully feel less certain. E.g. why does one person fall, hit their head badly and become paralyzed, while another could just shake off the same punch? And if you met somebody who had bee…

The choice is obviously not on being abused. The choice is on moving past it and taking a positive outlook going forward rather than keep looking backward at the injustice that happened to you.

Obviously. And what I’m saying is (obviously) that that is not always a choice. It would be nice if it was, but the human mind simply does not work that way.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#320

Post by logicalmonster »

ianai wrote: post #120
nyokodo wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

Someone working towards a phd in the final year of work shouldn’t be personally taking upon the baser weight and long term sustainability of society. That’s too much for any one person - Jimmy Carter clearly “settled for less” and still managed a lot more than the rest of us could hope in our lifetimes. OP is perfectly fine to just focus on the degree and know the world will continue on while OP works. Your framing t…

> Someone working towards a phd in the final year of work shouldn’t be personally taking upon the baser weight and long term sustainability of society.

What if that's the correct selfish viewpoint on an individual level, but the wrong decision for overall society?

These are certainly some complex and nuanced issues, but just as a counterpoint, what if having a family is arguably the most important thing that somebody capable of completing a PHD likely does? Unless a PHD invents some important new technology that transforms humanity (and most PHDs probably don't get anywhere close to that level of contribution), the most likely valuable contribution they could make to the world comes with having large families, being a pillar for the community, and helping guide their children well. Successful families are the foundation for a stable and prosperous long-term future.

Idiocracy presented a very satirical look at the future that emerged from the smart people being too focused on education and careers over actually maintaining the society they were given. We all see the news stories coming out where there's the claim that average IQ rates are dropping, right? OP might not be able to solve that problem on his own, but if every PHD candidate made the same decision to put off family, maybe society eventually gets into some trouble.

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