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I cut off my social networks (Facebook ...) because of this. Am I a coward? I'm still trying to improve my situation, but I too have insomnia because of stress and anxiety, I can't focus because of them.
Now I spend my time learning new things instead of scrolling for hours through a repetitive feed of clickbait and people just looking for attention
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Wow. So the Citation is... real? "After a morning workout practicing his Fascism-Communism-false-equivalence combat katas, the Citation wonders what life would have been like if he'd chosen a more conventional path - perhaps teaching Spanish-speaking maths prodigies. A soft chirp from his watch interrupts his musings. The night's reports from Trollhunter, the autonomous threadoscaphe are coming in..."
LET ME HAVE MY HOBBIES IN PEACE
Earlier quoted context omitted.
LET ME HAVE MY HOBBIES IN PEACE
This is where I admit that I have bookmarks for over a dozen HN users' comment pages.
Reading through your comments here, I see that you're 22 and an intern at Amazon. Well, at 22 I still didn't have a job, not even as an intern. You're comparing yourself to people who have full-time jobs and feeling like you're not making much money. At 22, I was making $0.
You're probably looking at people around you and thinking that they know more than you. That's how it goes as an intern. You're not supposed to know more than them. You're supposed to be learning faster than them. (The rate at which they are learning new things is probably not that high.)
You're looking at other peoples' pay, and feeling inadequate. But that's because you're looking only at the people above you. And you'll never make yourself happy by focusing on what you don't have.
Most (all?) of us are mediocre at most things. But all it takes is finding one thing that you're not mediocre at. That may not be programming (at 22, it's far too early to tell). If it's not programming, it's not. Go find what it is. (But be sure it's not programming before you go looking for something else.)
dynamicdox recommended rock climbing. I might suggest ultimate frisbee. The read-and-react style of play is a nice change of pace from the normal style of programming.
konradb said that you're mistaking your own voice for reality. That may well be true. If so, you need to talk to yourself more and listen to yourself less (if that makes sense).
A bunch of thoughts: Reading through your comments here, I see that you're 22 and an intern at Amazon. Well, at 22 I still didn't have a job, not even as an intern. You're comparing yourself to people who have full-time jobs and feeling like you're not making much money. At 22, I was making $0. You're probably looking at people around you and thinking that they know more than you. That's how it goes as an intern. You…
It's most likely NOT about whether you were mediocre talent wise or about dedication and work ethic. Many people do not appreciate the role of blind and dumb luck behind success. I kid you not. It ain't all a meritocracy out there.
Take it easy with the sleep disruption. I can vouch for the vicious cycle of nasty shyte insomnia can create. If you have a gym subscription, get some HIIT exercises like a prowler sled push and start lifting weights. Keep away from alcohol and any coping drugs you may be taking. Look after yourself!
Time to reboot. :-)
They were lucky. You were not. That's it. How can you blame yourself for that? It's most likely NOT about whether you were mediocre talent wise or about dedication and work ethic. Many people do not appreciate the role of blind and dumb luck behind success. I kid you not. It ain't all a meritocracy out there. Take it easy with the sleep disruption. I can vouch for the vicious cycle of nasty shyte insomnia can create.…
Honestly though, I think luck is a big factor but I think its impossible to be this unlucky this many times. At some point it's gotta be something inherent.
I've never heard of the prowler sled push. I'm going to need to try that. I also need to start lifting once my apartment reopens the gym.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
If you are typical intern age and freaking out over your income over the next 4-5 years, you are also probably doing something wrong.
I’m 22. I’m seeing everyone I respect get TC over $180k and on. I don’t come close while working harder and being judged more harshly. I can’t even leave. Everyone thinks I’m a joke because of my background and lack of pedigree. I’m never going to make up for my prior failures at this rate.
The reality is if you are earning 50% let alone 80% of $180k US as I have inferred by your posts you have enough money and you probably don't 'need' more. You are certainly earning alot more than me, and I have been software developer since 2001.
It sounds like it is the comparison with others, and being treated unfairly in your mind that is causing a lot of frustration. I had the same feelings in my 20's - I was suspicious and wondered why certain people got ahead and judged things as fair/unfair. Even at an older age with social media like HN I'll see all these super successful people in their fields and be jealous and angry that I didn't take 'their' path. But at some point it is good to be able to handle that we can't all be 0.01% ers (by definition or 0.01%er: only 1 in 10000 can attain it).
1. Comparing yourself to other people is a losers game. You will always* find someone else who is smarter/wealthier/beautiful than you, and on the other end you will always find someone who is worse off than you. You are enough.
2. Practice compassion. I keep a "good things" jar on my desk. When something good happens, I write it on a post-it note and put it in the jar.
3. Track what matters in your life. What matters to me, and what probably matters to you, is maintaing health and learning a little each day. Break out a spreadsheet and learn how to be observant to your body. I recommend https://www.trackinghappiness.com/ as a start (I am not affiliated with the site).
4. As previous commenters mentioned, like-it-or-not luck plays a large play in life. However, that doesn't mean you can prepare yourself for when luck or opportunities arise. Based on your handle, you got an internship at Amazon. That didn't happen out of the blue. You had to network, practice coding, and build your skills to get it.
This is a hard thing. Don't be like me and beat yourself up over it because a complete 180 hasn't happened this week. Giving yourself time, combined with discipline, can lead you to the next step. I don't know what that next step is, but go find it.