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Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

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Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#31

Post by baby »

randomsearch wrote: post #12

- Meet people through work. You have to kinda treat this a bit like dating, and make real effort - when you meet someone you get on with, you'll need to invite them for coffee etc. Do this sooner rather than later. Go to social events that are loosely related to your work. - Activity groups. Meetup.com, Couchsurfing, Nightclasses. Charities and volunteering. - Become a regular at a bar or a cafe. Go there frequently,…

> Meet people through work.

yes but not only. It is a dangerous trap to rely on your colleagues for a social life. First they'll always have to be your colleagues, second they're probably the same kind of people as you (where's the diversity), ...

> You have to kinda treat this a bit like dating

Completely agree with that. And as I said in another comment, looking for friends is kind of looking for a girlfriend.

> Couchsurfing

That's actually a good idea, they regularly meet up. I've heard bad things about reddit meet up so I've never tried but why not?

> Become a regular at a bar or a cafe.

I don't really understand this advice but why not. Become part of your neighborhood is maybe what you wanted to say?

> When you go to events with existing friends, make sure you get to know the people they bring along

That's super important. Because you tend to stick with your friends where you have the opportunity of making other good friends as well

> There's a much higher chance of liking a friend-of-a-friend rather than a random stranger.

Same for dating

> Send social signals about the kind of person you are

Odd. I would rather not and listen to what interesting things people have to say. You don't always have an obvious common thing.

> or every night or day you socialise, you probably won't meet anyone interesting about 80% of the time.

A friend of mine used to say (he was talking about girls but it works as well). If you meet a person and she's not the right one, don't discard her, the right one might still be one of her friends.

The idea can be generalized as: people are not always the perfect fit, but you can still hang out with them and meet some cool people in the process.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#32

Post by digitalengineer »

New people find each other every day. They usually form around a certain common ground or interest, be it religious, Buddhist (1) or even Freemasons if religion is not your thing (2). Good luck.

(1) http://www.buddhisttemple.ca (2) http://www.grandlodge.on.ca

(Edit: deleted 'this will probably get down-voted part of comment)

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#34

Post by darkr »

Drink.

Alcohol (and possibly other recreational drugs) binds and cements friendships. After a few drinks, people are more open to talking about themselves in a more honest way and tend to reveal more of the person that they really are, rather than the person they present to the world in normal, sober life; as the old phrase 'In vino veritas' attests.

Note that I'm not advocating or encouraging alcoholism here; I'm talking about two or three sessions a week with a select few people that you want to foster a deeper relationship with. Also, friendships (as opposed to drinking buddies) are based on more than just alcohol. Friendships are ultimately about trust.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#35

Post by Pamar »

Spearchucker wrote: post #16

So I just read down to the bottom waiting to see the answer - common interests - but didn't. It's that easy. Find something you love doing, and you'll inevitably find and meet like-minded people. You'll naturally gravitate to one or more in that community and the seeds for friendship awesomeness are yours to nourish and grow. Personal experience has yielded 20+ year friendships by skydiving, scuba diving, radio contr…

Joining a Dojo (any kind of group practicing some kind of Martial Art, not necessarily a Japanese one) is a good idea - in my experience the sense of camaraderie is a good way to make friends outside of training hours. Also, there are many different martial arts, more or less ritualized, more or less strenuous, so there is a good chance you may find something that appeals to your own preferences.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#36

Post by br3w5 »

elorant wrote: post #20

Hobbies man. What you lack in childhood friends you can earn through activities pals. At least half of my friends I met them at some activity or hobby. People use to bond when they share a common interest. Take some artisan classes, cooking sessions, art tours, or simply enlist yourself in an amateur sports club. There are also a gazillion of adventure clubs, from hiking to mountaineering to the very extremes, target…

And if a geek, there are also maker groups and tech meetups, in fact meetups of any kind

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#37

Post by nikanj »

After two years of collecting acquaintances in Vancouver, I decided to start volunteering at the same place every week. I now have people who call me if I don't show up at a party!

Prolonged exposure really is the key to friendship, and for remote workers finding excuses to meet the same people repeatedly is a must.

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#39

Post by A_Beer_Clinked »

Pamar wrote: post #35
Spearchucker wrote: post #16

So I just read down to the bottom waiting to see the answer - common interests - but didn't. It's that easy. Find something you love doing, and you'll inevitably find and meet like-minded people. You'll naturally gravitate to one or more in that community and the seeds for friendship awesomeness are yours to nourish and grow. Personal experience has yielded 20+ year friendships by skydiving, scuba diving, radio contr…

Joining a Dojo (any kind of group practicing some kind of Martial Art, not necessarily a Japanese one) is a good idea - in my experience the sense of camaraderie is a good way to make friends outside of training hours. Also, there are many different martial arts, more or less ritualized, more or less strenuous, so there is a good chance you may find something that appeals to your own preferences.

Speaking of Dojo. Why not mentor at your local Coder Dojo? (Or start one) I've found it a great way to meet people and have made some good friends with other mentors and the parents of the ninjas (kids).

https://coderdojo.com/

Re: Ask HN: How to form deep friendships later in life?

#40

Post by JonnieCache »

digitalengineer wrote: post #32

New people find each other every day. They usually form around a certain common ground or interest, be it religious, Buddhist (1) or even Freemasons if religion is not your thing (2). Good luck. (1) http://www.buddhisttemple.ca (2) http://www.grandlodge.on.ca (Edit: deleted 'this will probably get down-voted part of comment)

Just so you know you, are being downvoted because you said "this will be downvoted," which is frowned upon. This community is actually quite sympathetic to buddhist ideas.
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