Just be nice.
And realize you can be nice without being a pushover. They're separable.
Those two will get you pretty far.
Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
281–290 of 404 posts
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#282Earlier quoted context omitted.
Oh, it is very much fixable. A lot of what we think are animal instincts are actually subject to a lot of influences and can be tweaked any number of ways.
It's "fixable" at the surface level of course, and this is expected of anyone in a basic functioning society. In another thread about how it's legal in Germany to try to break out of jail because it's human nature (literally this is the legal justification!), I made the point that it's also sometimes human/animal instinct to murder, rape or steal. We are expected to overcome these instincts in daily life, and so IMO…
No, I mean it is fixable at a deeper level, and not just through things like behavioral conditioning. The techniques may not be wildly available or accessible. To give you some examples --
- Changes taking place with use of psychedelics, including traditional shamanic methods
- Use of acupuncture on something called the "extraordinary meridians". Similarly, internal alchemy methods that messes with that
- A phenomena called Kundalini (which describes a large spectrum of psycho-spritual changes).
- Breakthroughs from certain kinds of realizations on the nature of being, such as those resulting from Zen or Vipassana
Animal instincts are just that. They are more like firmware. Difficult to change if you don't know how, but very much possible if you are a hacker -- have the will, knowledge, and skill to do so.
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#283Honestly, having kids fixed my personality in a thousand significant ways. I was never a raging cerebral narcissist, but I had patterns of responses to situations which were incredibly self-centered. My children didn't change my perspective, that would be too convenient and easy. Having children just gave me more outlets to be the caring, nurturing person that I wanted to be deep down. I enjoy expressing my personali…
I'm glad that's working for you, but for anyone else reading, if you think you have some sort of uncontrolled pathological narcissism, please do not have children.
A majority of the people I know who have mental health issues as adult are in that situation at least in part due to narcissistic abuse by their parents. /r/raisedbynarcissists/ has over half a million subscribers for a reason. If you want to have kids, get yourself straightened out psychologically first, or set aside funding for the therapy they'll need ahead of time.
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#284I'm wrapping up my first close reading -- and attempts to incorporate the guidance of -- "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", and it's been a profound experience. It outlines a linear progression of maturity (dependent -> independent -> interdependent) and provides a framework for changing how you relate to the rest of the world. It begins with deep examination of your character and values. Your self-awareness ("I'm narcissistic") and desire to change make me think you might benefit from 7H like I have.
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#285Earlier quoted context omitted.
IANAN, but living abroad when I was about 25 really improved my humility. I'm used to being quick-witted, knowledgable, and generally good with people. When I got to a place where English is not the default language, I was essentially an idiot---I was confused a lot, unable to make jokes, and little kids laughed at my attempts to, say, order a gyro. It all clicked when I was lamenting it to my girlfriend, who said (w…
A lion doesn't have to tell anyone he's a lion.
all lions are lions , so it doesn't apply in our case.
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#286I’ve been listening to Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real and he calls what you have grandiosity. He also says some people go the other way and feel shame and inferiority. Both are on the same spectrum and both destroy interpersonal relationships. Your self worth should be from a place of I’m worth the same as tHe person next to me, not better or worse. He recommends taking a journal about what your triggers are every time you start thinking others are worth less or more than you. I have both which balances me out somewhat but I agree with the author - feeling totally at peace with yourself and your place as “good enough” will improve your life and relationships in a profound way. Mostly your relationship with how you treat yourself, not needing the aggrandisement will take a huge burden off you and lead to the things you want. Acknowledging it’s become a problem is something people find incredibly hard to do so I’d say you’re probably not as narcissistic as you think. Good luck!
https://www.audible.co.uk/pd?asin=B07FXXH91T&source_code=ASS...
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#287Earlier quoted context omitted.
That's the trick: it seems that way, but really it's a trap/defense against change. Narcissists are very, very good at seeming to others like they want to fix something about themselves, all the while digging themselves in deeper because deep down they don't really think something is wrong. He says "I tend to judge situations only from my perspective" -- and then proceeds to write this very public post completely fro…
Like other disorders NPD lies on a spectrum. From a clinical perspective (I'm not a clinician but have been treated by them btw) my understanding is that untreatable NPD presents as basically no remorse and no introspection at all. What would be called a "sociopath" which isn't itself a diagnosis. So while yes I totally understand what you're talking about, that the attention seeking of the post itself could be consi…
Im not saying he’s attention seeking although that could be the case. I’m saying the form and content of his post shows his inability to see his world from the perspective of other people - the people affected by his narcissism - which is like I said before a feature of the disorder and the reason it is so treatment-resistant.
None of this is to say I don’t think he should see a professional - he absolutely should.
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#288Understanding that being narcissistic doesn’t actually work really helps. People (by and large) don’t respect you more or think any differently of you as a result of you tooting your own horn and singing praises to yourself. In fact, it has the opposite effect. Once you realize and internalize that the large part of incentive of being narcissistic goes away.
What also helps is understanding the underlying reason that prompts you to be narcissistic. There’s typically one or more insecurity that manifests itself as a desire to seek for approval or look for praise. Once you figure out where it’s coming from it suddenly becomes so much easier to deal with.
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#289By reading a lot about Buddhism
The art of happiness is a good starting point
Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?
#290Earlier quoted context omitted.
There's no such thing as an IQ too high. This is always some other problem like anxiety.
Unless you're trying to be a police officer in the USA, then an IQ too high is absolutely a real thing.
In this situation one can use her high IQ to ham her IQ test.