Ask HN: How to be alone? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#271

Post by rfc3092 » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:17 AM UTC

bch wrote: post #268

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

+1 for physical exercise. Curious though why you (or anybody else) would separate running and/or cycling from the gym? Gym gets its own (emphatic!) category and the sports are separate. Not a criticism, genuinely curious.

Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#272

Post by raised_hand » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:22 AM UTC

What are your hobbies?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#273

Post by strken » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:23 AM UTC

I don't have any advice for being alone, but I want to remind you that you can open up your phone right now, start messaging people to say "want to come over for dinner at my place next Sunday?", and keep going until you have no more free seats at the dining table. You don't have to make peace with being alone.

If something gets in the way and stops you from doing this, then that thing - depression, anxiety, not having anyone to message, your friends are all busy, you don't feel ready - might help you understand and fix whatever is going on at a deeper level.

Also, that sucks. I've been in a similar place at various points in my life and it can feel inescapable until, somehow, you escape.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#274

Post by divan » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:44 AM UTC

> many of you find alone-ness to be natural, and even required

You can hear that from people who are not truly alone, but have more attention from their closest than they need.

The answer to your question - "Don't". Shift your priorities, reshape your life, change your place of living if needed, but don't be alone. This shit will kill you.

Maybe you can discover other ways to be connected with meaninful people – not necessarily the closest/relatives ones - through sports, volunteering, local neighborhood initiatives. If needed, spend more money on it, travel to other countries to meet people that you care about. Anything that leads to real human hug will work. I measure unloneliness progress in the average number of human hugs per day :). Optimize your life for that.

Whatever you do, refuse to have the life where you're alone.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#275

Post by Noumenon72 » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:50 AM UTC

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

Does "single for ~10+10 years" mean 20 years, or that you were single before you were 10 and then till age 20?

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#276

Post by bch » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:52 AM UTC

rfc3092 wrote: post #271

bch wrote: post #268

Earlier quoted context omitted.

+1 for physical exercise. Curious though why you (or anybody else) would separate running and/or cycling from the gym? Gym gets its own (emphatic!) category and the sports are separate. Not a criticism, genuinely curious.

Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.

Same. I loathe gyms, actually. Perhaps Ive been absent for too long to have an honest loathing, I've no attraction to them though (I don't begrudge anybody who likes them or uses them though - easy to see their value).

A bicycle, on the other hand... a thing of beauty.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#277

Post by rfc3092 » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:52 AM UTC

Noumenon72 wrote: post #275

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

Does "single for ~10+10 years" mean 20 years, or that you were single before you were 10 and then till age 20?

I was single for 10 years after college. Then married for 7 (very very badly). Then single for another 10. I thought I will spend the rest of my days alone. I have two kids now.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#278

Post by bblb » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:53 AM UTC

delichon wrote: post #61

sillysaurusx wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Would you mind going into more detail? Why was that a mistake?

Because if I had not I would have instead done the hard emotional labor of pursuing love, instead of becoming an isolated old man waiting to die. Being alone all the time is a kind of poverty, don't kid yourself. A lone billionaire is less wealthy than a beggar with a loving family.

Are you me.

And it's not even depression and bitterness anymore. It's beyond that. It's the final form in the 50 yo wizard meme.

This life is not something you want to pursue. There is nothing romantic about a hermit. Choose another path.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#279

Post by gloosx » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:57 AM UTC

>I have a great psychiatrist who has me on antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers

>Everything feels hollow ... feels like being imprisoned

Just a humble observation: you may not have a psychiatrist that great.

You take three different medications just for everything to feel hollow? And that is life?

That sounds quite depressing to my ear.

My advice: find a community IRL, and hear from them IRL. Solitary confinement with internet is definitely not healthy. Go outside, learn something new, meet people and interact with them in real life, "remote" won't cut it. Meds will not make you feel, people will.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#280

Post by rfc3092 » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 5:59 AM UTC

bch wrote: post #276

rfc3092 wrote: post #271

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.

Same. I loathe gyms, actually. Perhaps Ive been absent for too long to have an honest loathing, I've no attraction to them though (I don't begrudge anybody who likes them or uses them though - easy to see their value). A bicycle, on the other hand... a thing of beauty.

Gym is important to set a body routine and get it used to “flush” emotions out with sweat. Daily exercise when in vulnerable state is non-negotiable imo (but hard). Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.