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Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#271

Post by hosh »

throwaway9103 wrote: post #69

I just created an account to post a comment. I was raised by a narcissist, and over the years I've, like you, come to realize how narcissistic I am too. Narcissism has a terrible negative taboo associated with it, and rightfully so, because it can drain the living shit out of the people close to the narcissist. But you have to be careful not to be even harder on yourself about it. Because that's how a narcissist woul…

There's a confusion about being "narcissist" and having Narcissitic Personality Disorder. They are worlds apart.

My impression is that the OP does not have NPD, but perhaps, you were raised by one. As for whether you have NPD or not, I don't really know.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#273

Post by austincheney »

darrelld wrote: post #186
austincheney wrote: post #124

Perhaps the closest opposite to narcissism is humility. One way to really experience humility is to inject yourself into something truly foreign where money is an insufficient remedy. I don't know what that humbling experience will be for you. For me it was living in Afghanistan for 2 years, of which one of those years I traveled frequently and spoke with many people there. It doesn't matter how much money you make a…

Sorry but no. This will not fix narcissism. Narcissists are broken people incapable of self-reflection and everything centers around them. They see everything in the world as being put here for their enjoyment. They thrive off of attention (negative or positive) and it's the only time they feel alive.

Sociopaths and psychopaths are extreme narcissists with broken brains. In the case of the sociopaths it's a learned behavior while for the psychopaths its broken hardware. This is an extreme and clinical form of narcissistic personality disorder.

Aside from that the term narcissism just means self-loving. It comes from the Greek after a person named Narcissus who fell in love with the sight of his own reflection. People can experience and express variant degrees of a selfish nature without being mentally broken. To call somebody a narcissist literally means the targeted person is primarily selfish.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#274

Post by agumonkey »

That's indeed true. A massive amount of writings (noise) are about victims. And rarely good at explaining how to evolve if you are on the other side of things.

As a semi narcissist, I have two things to say:

- you are your nature, take a deep look into it, try to balance it to avoid damaging pitfalls for you and others; after that let yourself be. Trying to distort yourself can be ultra-damaging.

- depending on the case (and you seem, if at all, a soft one since you publicly admit questionning and willing to change) even a deep bred narcissist can change and love other deeply, but beware, love is an emotional exchange and when your brain start to live on mutual affection, you're now subject to the pain that goes with it when bonds fail. Another ultra-damaging scenario.

Best of luck

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#275

Post by pshc »

ninjakeyboard wrote: post #202

Meditation + psychedelics? If you have a strong intention to change, it's pretty left field but I'd consider taking that intention to peru and drinking ayahuasca at a retreat. The effort poured into meditation will help you become aware of your behaviours and why they are there, which is the starting point - accepting that you have the problem rather than pushing it out onto people around you. I believe that's a grea…

A friend of mine had a couple great experiences with psilocybin, and then a bad trip. Interestingly, it was the bad trip that broke them out of their narcissistic mindset.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#276

Post by guymcgwire »

Honestly, having kids fixed my personality in a thousand significant ways. I was never a raging cerebral narcissist, but I had patterns of responses to situations which were incredibly self-centered. My children didn't change my perspective, that would be too convenient and easy. Having children just gave me more outlets to be the caring, nurturing person that I wanted to be deep down. I enjoy expressing my personality as a dad more than any other persona I've ever tried on.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#277

Post by hosh »

tenpoundhammer wrote: post #235
AndrewKemendo wrote: post #155

I went down this rabbit hole a long time ago and saw a therapist about it. I would suggest you do the same. That said, they basically told me that if you're worried about being a narcissist or trying to change it then you probably aren't a candidate for NPD diagnosis. Simply put people with NPD don't even consider that they might be wrong or flawed. That doesn't mean you don't have something to fix, but it's worth se…

I agree with this one hundred percent. However, I would add that in my interpretation the users was likely talking about trending towards having narcissistic traits, and they weren't necessarily referring to NPD. For a little context, my mother is the most narcissistic person I've ever met and she constantly told the people around her, "I like myself just the way I am I have nothing to change". She was emotionally an…

I think there are better definitions that more precisely define certain traits:

Jerk -- that view that you are surrounded by idiots, don't have anything worth saying, and does not deserve respect. See: https://aeon.co/essays/so-you-re-surrounded-by-idiots-guess-...

Asshole -- a kind of disconnection with relating to other people, by being "untouchable" by the feelings and concerns of other people. Paradoxically, there is often a great yearning to connect inspite of that isolation. The best book I have seen on this subject is specific to the masculine archetypes, in the book, Trickster, Magician, and the Grieving Man by Glen Mavis.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder can get confused for narcissism. The way to differentiate is that people with BPD have an incredible fear of being rejected or abandoned.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#278

Post by [deleted] »

calebm wrote: post #243
happimess wrote: post #205

Earlier quoted context omitted.

IANAN, but living abroad when I was about 25 really improved my humility. I'm used to being quick-witted, knowledgable, and generally good with people. When I got to a place where English is not the default language, I was essentially an idiot---I was confused a lot, unable to make jokes, and little kids laughed at my attempts to, say, order a gyro. It all clicked when I was lamenting it to my girlfriend, who said (w…

A lion doesn't have to tell anyone he's a lion.

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#279

Post by robocat »

One path to humility is realising just how astoundingly skilled some people are at skills you would like to have, but don’t have (and may never be good at).

You already realise you are missing some interpersonal skills, so you are hopefully above the “Dunning-Kruger” unskilled and unaware point for some interpersonal skills (excellent!).

Start by asking others what they see as your weakest skills are. Don’t defend or argue back, be humble and accept the criticism. They need to be someone you respect and preferably someone highly skilled in areas you are not (even though that is obviously extremely difficult for one to judge correctly - maybe use consensus judgement of others?).

Work on learning those skills from others, or just admiring them.

If you are a guy then learning some traditionally “female” skills is probably a good start (or vice versa if you are a woman).

This has worked somewhat for me as someone with a reasonably high IQ and a very well developed ego!

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