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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#241
I’ve heard this idea from a few different sources: after the breakup of a longtime partnership, give yourself at least a month per year of the relationship to recover emotionally. It’s certainly not widow(er)hood, but you’ve lost a big part of your life.

Four years, four months. Aside from treading water on your PhD, do as your therapist suggests and focus on “do[ing] things you like” these next three or four months. If you don’t know how already, learn how to cook a few of your favorite meals. You don’t sound like you have the #1 problem/cause of “rock bottoming” (alcohol use disorders), but you might want to avoid alcohol-focused interests right now.

On the flip side, at least she bailed before the marriage, mortgage, and kids. She’s broken your heart, but she's hasn’t ruined your financial future. That sounds a bit cold, but might be a non-negative thing to remind yourself of when you start dwelling on her.

(Edited to add) My husband met me when he was 32, about a year after he’d finished his PhD, taken a couple of months to find a job, and moved across Germany for said job. It doesn’t feel that way right now, but you’ve got time.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#242
post #239

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Imho you have a very idealized perception of marriage that doesn’t line up with the various shades of grey in reality." I appreciate you letting me know about reality as I have led a sheltered life with no real world experience. I've been alive and married (20+ years) for longer than I was alive and single. Its been pretty ideal. How long were you married for before you learned these things and formed your real worl…

You’re takin this far too personally to have any sort of productive discussion but here it goes against my better judgement. Saying that marriage is not as important to society has no bearing on what value marriage should mean to you. I also never said that marriage is bad, or not for me. I’m married myself, but like I said, i saw it as a vow of love not a societal contract, unlike your statements that were all matte…

"Imho you have a very idealized perception of marriage that doesn’t line up with the various shades of grey in reality." Let's ignore you calling me naive. Besides that friend I'm not taking this personally at all no matter how many times you want to insist I am. I'm working on a Saturday and killing some time on HN responding to a post with my opinion and some anecdotal experiences. It's generally called conversation. If you would prefer single sentence responses, so be it. I'm going to go weep into my coffee now since you emotionally devastated me. All the best :)

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#243
post #239

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You’re takin this far too personally to have any sort of productive discussion but here it goes against my better judgement. Saying that marriage is not as important to society has no bearing on what value marriage should mean to you. I also never said that marriage is bad, or not for me. I’m married myself, but like I said, i saw it as a vow of love not a societal contract, unlike your statements that were all matte…

"Imho you have a very idealized perception of marriage that doesn’t line up with the various shades of grey in reality." Let's ignore you calling me naive. Besides that friend I'm not taking this personally at all no matter how many times you want to insist I am. I'm working on a Saturday and killing some time on HN responding to a post with my opinion and some anecdotal experiences. It's generally called conversatio…

The point is that your anecdotes are meaningless to the veracity of the point at hand. That’s why they’re anecdotes.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#244
post #188
post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

Depends what society you talk about too. Marriage isn’t integral to all societies, so much as monogamous partnership is (excluding some rare poly societies). You also don’t need marriage to procreate , and several societies are built around the concept of children raised by the community. That said, marriage is certainly the most persistent form of long term bond in history, but it’s not always borne out of mutual de…

What successful societies exist today without some concept marriage? I’m not aware of any, but it sounds like you have one in mind.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#245

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...

Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together. If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute? It creates a massive power discrepancy in the relationship. "Do what I want or I'll leave you in the street." Ma…

> If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute?

So you like to force your spouse to stay in an otherwise unhappy marriage by putting a ring on their finger and have them sign a paper? So romantic!

Kidding aside, among the many reasons people like to marry, this is one of the worse ones.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#246
post #81
post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

People have children and live their lives together all the time without involving the government or their personal deity. Marriage is a hierarchical construct rooted in male supremacy and heteronormativity.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#248
I'd accept that you are going to pursue getting over the line of the PhD even if it wasn't an ideal fit or your other misgivings about it. It's really just a piece of paper when it is all said and done, and it sounds like it will be a very useful piece of paper since you were in a prestigious group.

Once you've accepted that will happen, you just need to set a simple plan of how to get there in one piece. Make sure you are indeed carving out a little bit of time for things you love doing. When you are depressed that can be very difficult but just think of what you really loved and enjoyed two or five years ago and put it on the calendar, all the better if it is a cheap plane ticket or some other reservation required so you obligate future you to do it. I'd also suggest sending a message to all of those scattered friends to reconnect, easy to do and will help ground yourself.

Finally, do you have any sort of exercise habit? If not seriously consider doing something 3-4x a week for half an hour that gets you sweaty. You don't have to love the activity but it helps if it's fun or just fits into your routine effortlessly.

You are so goddamn young mate. you are going to make it.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#249
1. If you feel like you need to panic (or cry), feel free to do it. You must allow yourself to feel (and express) like you're the biggest loser ever walked the earth.

2. You seem to have an analytical mind given what you wrote. Let that guide you. For example: maybe you recognize that the PhD will be a big multiplier commercially in your career. The right question could be: how do I finish this quickly, effectively and efficiently so that I can reap the benefits over a lifetime. Hint: maybe ChatGPT can help.

3. You've been in love. You will be again.

4. Screw self-help. Your _actions_ are the only thing that will get you forward. Let actions shape your thoughts.

Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#250
post #243

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Imho you have a very idealized perception of marriage that doesn’t line up with the various shades of grey in reality." Let's ignore you calling me naive. Besides that friend I'm not taking this personally at all no matter how many times you want to insist I am. I'm working on a Saturday and killing some time on HN responding to a post with my opinion and some anecdotal experiences. It's generally called conversatio…

The point is that your anecdotes are meaningless to the veracity of the point at hand. That’s why they’re anecdotes.

Please stop, there is only so much I can take. ;)
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